So triggered right now…

Ahh, haven’t been triggered in a long time, so here I am again! Triggering away.

Well, this time it is a very legit reason to why my fuse was blown. Michelle’s guild in WoW… not the most LGBTQ+ friendly guild there is. I can take that. I can ignore it, I can. I really… really can – although with a lot of struggles but I can if I just put my mind to it. Unless it is turned towards Michelle. It just… makes me see red.

Usually a good friend of mine is a good stop button, I do not take it further and I do not contact the people I hear/read/know is being ignorant/bigotted. Because I know Michelle has talked with them personally about it, but they just do not seem to care.

This time it is them misgendering her and still calling her an old name she really wants to get removed from herself. I know people feel that respect should be earned, but I think it is a basic human right to receive the tiniest amount of respect someone can muster up, at the very least be respected enough to be called their preferred pronouns and names.

The reason I am not contacting the people are mostly because I do not want people to have hostile feelings against Michelle because of me. I really do not want to cause more problems for Michelle than necessary, but this is just something that hits every single trigger in me. It is so darn disrespectful and utterly ignorant.

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It is NOT hard.
It is harder for the person being misgendered and disrespected than it is for YOU to adjust one single word. It is NOT up for debate.

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Look at all this shit I found!

I have gotten in contact with a lot of very hateful shit lately and I just wanted to share them here. Let’s start with Soldiers of Odin, shall we?

I had no idea this organization existed until I read about that they want to “fix” the whole immigrant issues and exterminate the disease known as homosexuality. I am not even making this up, they have literally on multiple occasions spread their message loud and clear. They might deny that they are a neo-Nazi group but their actions speak louder than their words, maybe the intent wasn’t to become one but you can’t expect it to not blow up. Extremists will be everywhere and it is a classic example of extremists taking over.

It started in Finland spread over Scandinavia and has spread down to the Netherlands, where I currently live. At the moment what they are doing is patrolling the streets, stopping extra long outside gay bars, and they can not be stopped because they are just patrolling… and this is what I have been reading from comments on articles: some people are actually positive against having a neighborhood watch. Yes, you want someone that literally pours hate down your throat to protect you. No, that protection is not for me.

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In English: “The Soldiers of Odin has started patrolling around gay bars in central Stockholm, dear siblings: BE SAFE!” – “Yes, we have started. We are going to cleanse the sickness.”

And for the Dutchies:
Burgerwacht ‘Soldiers of Odin’ actief in Nederland: behulpzaam of walgelijk?
I think you can translate it to English on the site or via google translate.

Their facebook page has literally a ton of people screaming about exterminating anything that is not white, cis and normal…


I have also been seeing a lot of “WTF” shit regarding being transgender…

For example, in England and Wales, you can be reported for RAPE if you do not tell your sex partner that you are transgender. What the flying fuck? So i.e being trans* makes you a rapist. What the fuck is that kind of logic? I do not think that if you are trans* that you have to tell anyone unless you really want to! It is your own body and identity, if you are a female you are a female, if you are a male you are a male. No one should be able to tell you different. If a cis/anything man/woman sleeps with a trans* man/woman they slept with the gender they saw. Simple. There is no fucking trickery!

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This is the link for anyone that wants to read through it:
Trans people face jail for rape if they have sex without sharing their gender history

So now you can legally be discriminated against if you are anything besides CIS. I am glad that the Netherlands have nothing like that. This is just so damn medieval and backward.


I will leave these here.

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Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

Amsterdam & new manga!

We have been ordering clothes, make up and manga all around this month. Received a whole lot of money and still incoming more. 300~ from my zorgtoeslag (“care allowance” from the money I pay to my insurance, it is kinda like getting huurtoeslag – “rent allowance”, toeslag*) and incoming vacation money this future week.

*toeslag – to put it simple, you get a percentage back for rent and insurance that you pay. Our rent here is 380 euros and we get back 180 euros per month for our huurtoeslag.

So we ordered a lot of nice clothes for Michelle – both that she can wear right now and some she can wear after a couple of years on HRT. We also bought a new fabulous mascara which is absolutely amazing, the company is sadly not vegan but it is cruelty free (Charlotte Tilbury false eyelashes). We bought some eye shadows too, can’t remember from where now.

Obviously I jumped the gun and bought a bulk of manga, I am not even done! I have four volumes of a completed manga to buy when our vacation money hits too. I bought four volumes of Suki-tte Ii Na Yo – also known as Say I Love You in English (it is hella weird to look up manga and anime by their English names, at least for me) – and four volumes of Citrus. Citrus were ordered first but the first and second volume was out of stock so they have to backorder it, baaah, it is taking a lot of time. But I already got my other, and the next manga collection I am going for is The Earl and The Fairy.


We went to Amsterdam today, for an intake at the gender dysphoria clinic. We were not in the middle of Amsterdam – a bit sad – but the hospital there was huge and bustling with both life and colour. Very vibrant!

The wait time after this now is so long, she also has another appointment at another gender dysphoria clinic (which I mentioned in another post) and we have decided that if she does not hear antyhing from the clinic in Amsterdam before July she will go also go on an appointment at the other clinic, they might be faster at getting it done. She is tired of waiting, she has waited her whole life for it already. I can understand her frustration, you want it now obviously and not later when you aren’t as pass-able.

We saw a lot of genuinely interesting people at the clinic waiting room, i know there is a lot of discussion about FTM not being so outwards and talkative about it, but we saw more FTM than MTF there – at least at the time we were there.

Two options

Oh, awkward, we got a big envelope – quite heavy in weight – today or yesterday, we picked it up today from our hall way floor, yes we are not down there that often, and it is another appointment at the other trans* department (Netherlands have two different ones, one in Amsterdam and one in Groningen) about another appointment.

It is an appointment where if she goes she can start everything immediately, but she went there the first time before we met in real life and they declined her based on her five o’ clock shadow (which you can not do anything about if you yourself do not have any foundation knowledge, which she did not) and they told her: “obviously you are not transgender, you are not even trying”… so she does NOT want to go there based on that memory. So her usual doctor prescribed the hormones instead, she did not know what else she could do – I think it was more or less a thoughtpattern of if Michelle did not get help there was a suicide risk. Which I know it was.

So she can pick and choose now where to go, but we decided Amsterdam anyway. Because that memory is still haunting her. And who doesn’t want to go to the capital? Woopwoop, never been there so will be fun to check it out! Might move closer to it in the future, but right now we will have to settle for once a month. Sometimes our help person will driveu s, sometimes Michelle’s mother and sometimes we are going to stay over there at a hotel. Will have to ask our neighbor to be a catsitter, but it will only be two days then.

This month we are getting our vacation money, we will be selling our fridge to Michelle’s mother and her husband, and buying a smaller one which we can have up in the kitchen. We are also getting their old oven/stove, because they are renovating their whole kitchen into a completely new one. So cool!

So we got a lot going on right now, I have already bought four volumes of a yuri/shoujo ai manga, hihi. I got plans when the vacation money hits I will buy four volumes from Suki-tte Ii Na Yo (Say I Love You) and the volumes are three to six, gotta continue on the collection. Then when we sell our fridge I will buy the complete four volumes of The Earl and The Fairy!

And Michelle will be buying clothes, shoes and a new computer chair. We have already invested in a bunch of summer clothes for her, going to get them this week!