Well, hello.

I am back, after a turmoiled filled month away from the blog, I am again back at it. I am in a much better place now than I was before. Events have gone past with a lot of hello’s, goodbye’s and neutral standpoints. Oh, what’s that? Pointform?! Yes.

  • Me and Michelle are still living together, preparing to move back to Sweden during summer. She will probably travel with me, then go on a vacation to meet some friends in Sweden. Will probably be pretty fun, just need to invest in an ID – got a lot of information of it, just need to book a time at the Swedish embassy.
  • Life is a bit easier now, at least regarding living together. Much less annoyance and passive aggressivity. There are sometimes where feelings flare up again, but it is very fleeting and not meant to be acted upon. Don’t really see a reason why to initiate anything, the only reason they flare up is because you stay close to each other and you have a history together. So you just have to take it with a pinch of salt.
  • I got a bed now, that is a big plus.
  • Me and Frederik is not really happening, it was a couple of horrible weeks where I woke up all the time crying and missing him intensely. We just did not seem to want to go in the same direction, I showed in major ways how serious I was about it and meh. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes it doesn’t. And this was obviously one of the latter situations.
  • But now it is a bit better, I don’t really “allow” myself to think of him, I surround myself with fun things instead. A lot of laughter and movement helps!
  • My sister is pregnant and getting married this summer! That’s amazing. I am going to be an aunt – again!
  • I got dropped from the therapyinstitution, but I think it is for the better. Instead of me taking up the time from someone else that they can help much more. I just am done with trying to find ways of “fixing” it. I firmly believe everyone lives with anxieties/depression, just that they live with it instead of focusing only on it.
  • So that is what I have started doing, living with it. I go outside, I exercise, I go to the store, I push my own boundaries more. Can’t be bothered trying to find a “miracle”-cure.

Well, that is about it. Pointform has been made. Might start updating more often, need to change my domain name too, ridiculous name is ridiculous.

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80 different moods throughout the day

This is so damn hard and it really sucks. I have so many moods throughout the whole day and it exhausts me. My medication is not working whatsoever. It is literally the same as before I started it, only that I am tired everyday. I wake up full of anxiety, I barely sleep and if I manage to catch a few hours I can barely manage to wake up. My generic mood throughout the day is apathetic and depressive… and it annoys me. I try to be as fun and cheery as I can be, so I don’t bother anyone. But it gets a bit too much when I am sitting talking and giggling about random shit on Discord while my heart is beating so hard I get chestpains and my brain keeps on imagining many, most very, negative scenarios where shit derails. Which makes me panic and it increases my heartrate further.

I have no idea how to battle this. I don’t know who to talk to other than my therapist, but I can barely manage to talk to her over the phone. She called earlier today to make a new appointment, very intriguing conversation where I mostly sat silent and let her speak. I did manage to squeak out that everything is worse and that I do not think the medication works… so she gave me a new doctor’s appointment and a new EMDR appointment. She asked vaguely if I knew if I would manage to come. But it all depends if I am able to get someone to come with me. Ergh… asking more people to accomodate to me. I know my anxiety and my shitty shit can be annoying to people, I don’t want to be annoying. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t even speak with friends about this, I don’t feel like I can. I barely touch the subject with Frederik, because it scares me. I don’t want to make him get tired of me. I know we have had a pretty bumpy road going on, with Bs and stuff, but I really do not want to lose my most important person… at the same time I feel like I can’t talk to my most important person. It fucking eats me.

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I have realised recently that I have literally no friends down here in the Netherlands, what have I been doing for these five-six years I have lived here? I have had friendly neighbours, but we barely speak nowadays. Probably a bit of my fault for not trying to stay more in contact. I have no one to really rely on, I can’t always expect Michelle to take me places… she has already accomodated so much for me and it is not like we are in a relationship where I can expect her to always help me. I have help-people for this, but they can’t do the days I have to go to the therapist… sadly.

I feel utterly lost in myself.

I am a burden

I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…

Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.

I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.

I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…

Grandma…

One of the big, retardedly big, fucking shatter your world matters that popped on me lately, has been my grandma’s death. She was my biggest support in life, she never put me down and she made me feel like a genuinely good person.

As in I think she was the only one in my family that really knew me, might have been a bit on my side to never open up to others, but when you get put down or ignored many times you just stop because it is not worth the hassle. But grandma was completely different, she could come and pick me up for some forestwalking/mushroom plucking and we would just talk for hours. She alway made time for me and I made time for her.

I got a call from my sister one day, I remember it was right before raidtime on a Sunday. Settled in and was ready to start talking on Discord, saw my phone light up and I saw it was my sister, so I answered. I hear her devastated and very melancholic voice, I instantly know something is wrong and she asks me if I have heard. I ask “heard what?” and she tells me grandma died. I freeze up and blank out. I can not remember much more that was said, more than “ok. ok. mm. bye.”. I turn around to Michelle and say “Grandma is dead.” and then waterworks pop out. Full on bawling, with snot flowing down my chin and the “UAAAAHHH UAAAAAH” sound.

After calming down, I got a call from my father, saying the same thing but with a bit more information. He sounded absolutely broken. We talked a bit, I cried a bit more…

It sucked so hard getting these news, bummed me out for weeks. Still bums me out. I am even more shocked that no one even told me they were going to have a funeral for her etc. Ok, I did try and speak to them but got plainly ignored, and now I have no idea why they did not tell me. I guess it is because “you live in the Netherlands either way, so can’t come that easily” or any other bullshit reason.


Well, that was the first “oh this shit is what is wrong with me”-post. Did not want to type as much as I wanted to from the beginning, but that is because it is still sensitive and added ontop of it, the whole not telling me anything so I have to get to know it over Facebook randomly – if I did not watch at that point, I would NOT have seen it. It triggers me. Fuck.

Slept for 15h, legit got first time high ever yesterday, it helped me sleep. Anxiety levels are off the roof, and I can not take out my meds until Monday. Fuuuuuuuck.

Welcome back Nela~

I am back, after months(?) of not writing down anything I am here to restart the blog. Somewhat at least. This is just a status update more or less. I am still alive, I have not decided to hide out in a bunker and I have not touched the bleach.

Just a lot of stuff going on, as in a lot of garbage, and most of it contains me, as garbage. Either way, I am back – for indefinite time.

Everything is a bit tilted, or well, upside down. I will try and reel it back to normal.

Self loathing…

A pile of self loathing for the win, am I right? I do not know if it is because of the very bad sleep I have had now for a month and a half, or not, but generally when I can’t sleep I start thinking very dark thoughts. About me, about the relationship between me and Michelle, our future, my situation with my family and friendships overall… I just can’t stop thinking when I am laying there, twisting around, deadtired but unable to sleep. So I keep on spiraling down, I try to maintain a good mood and attitude during the day, but I still feel sad and somewhat drained, emotionally and physically. I get angered a lot by random things, I do laugh when I am having fun, but it tires me out quickly, like really fast.

I start thinking about myself and how much I loathe myself and then I start thinking about why I dislike myself and if I can do something about it, then I get stuck. I keep on imagining stupid scenarios and in every single one of them I do not look like I do in reality. I hate it, I know how to fix it and what to do about it, but then another anxiety jumps in and hinders me from doing so. I can not better my own situation because anxieties refuse to let me. It sounds silly, but if you have something that controls you and your life, you understand.

I can’t even fix it either, in my own opinion I am a fat little fuck and I really need to lose weight, I eat healthy, I do not eat any fat foods and I do not eat stuff randomly just to fix my temptations (nowadays I do, because I am in one of those ditches where I do not give a fuck). I need to get a gyn-appointment, to see what is wrong with my private parts and to find out if I have PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – and if I have, it is really hard for me to lose weight, BAM, another demotivator.

I continue with the really bad thoughts with if I can’t like myself how can Michelle? Then I start thinking about the future and if she transitions well, well enough in her opinion (it is a shallow thing, but she really wants to pass properly as a female and I do not see anything wrong with it, it isn’t forever with her identifying as transgendered and we both know it) and will I be enough? In those years I might not even have been able to properly lose weight, to the point where I feel attractive and comfortable and I would not see how she would be able to get attracted to a lump of fat in that case. Because I wouldn’t. I would love the person behind all the fat, but I wouldn’t be able to get turned on by the idea of rubbing up against an obese person, that might be because I hate my body type to that degree, I do not see anything wrong in other people feeling comfortable but I do really not allow people to say that it is healthy to be that big, because it isn’t. I know myself I am not thaaaat big, but I am slowly getting there and I am NOT healthy, I am not fat shaming, I am just stating that your body is not supposed to be able to live like a fucking blob. Almost like our stomachs are not supposed to digest meat and our bodies can’t handle it, our bodies can’t handle obesity well either. If I was thinner maybe I would be a bit more lenient with my opinion on obesity, and probably be able to see other aspects of it, that obese people might actually be able to be genuinely happy with their bodies and feel healthy. But right now, I detest myself, I detest my obesity and I do not think it is healthy and should not be advocated as healthy.

What if because of my PCOS I can barely lose weight in a span of three years or six? I want to be able to wear clothes I would feel comfortable in or at least fit a wedding dress, I do not think I deserve Michelle as the blob I am nowadays, how will it be in the future? I do not know. I just do not know and it haunts me. It fucking haunts me.

I want to be a better me and I want to be comfortable being me. But all my anxieties and my own willpower fucks me over.

I want to be able to sleep normally, I want to be able to fall asleep, I want to be able to wake up, I want to be able to be the normal Nela. I want to be able to be the one who I want to be… I want to be the Nela Michelle sees and can be proud of. I want to be able to walk next to her without feeling like I do not belong.

I can’t even put on make up without feeling that it is a waste, no amount of paint will help me to feel “pretty”. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without going “is this really me….?”. I want to get a haircut without knowing I do not look good in it. I want to look stylish without looking like my fat is slowly eating my clothes…

Eeeeh…

I really do not feel great today, another crapnight of sleep, tossing and turning unable to fall asleep and tossing and turning unable to wake up while the feeling of being exhausted looms in my body and mind. I might just have to go to the doctor sooner or later. If this doesn’t go away. It is like a disease sneaking up on you, ruining your nights and days. You can still have fun with friends and games and hobbies… but that is with being tired and exhausted in the back of your mind. So the social interaction sucks up the little energy you have left, and there you are, empty and just full of the feeling of running marathons every day.