I’m coming straight on for yooouuuu~

We watched a movie a while ago, called “Strange Magic”. Really enjoyed it, love musicals and animated flicks, so when you mix them up… you hit my spot. The voices, the voice acting and the characters were absolutely stunning, the artwork and backgrounds superb and I lived it… I LIVED IT! Well, not really, but it made me very hyper and I can’t stop listening to the songs:

The expressions of the characters in this movie is just amazingly well done!


I had my appointment with the psychologist that came over here today. It was both meh and good. Not leaning towards either, pretty steady in the middle I would say. We are going to contact that institution again that handles anxiety disorders and have way more experience with it than a normal psychologist. Plus they are all psychiatrists, so they are allowed to prescribe medication. Literally everything I have done to help myself or stop the anxieties I have, have done nothing. So if it would help to receive medication I am all in for it to be honest.

We talked for two hours or so, she scribbled down some stuff in her book and then left. I notified her about my currently apathetic state and that I do feel short bursts of anxiety instead of waking up and feeling it instantly. Because that is how bad it became, I woke up from a nice night of sleep and felt anxiety as soon as I gained consciousness. Which I do not understand why I did, I have no reason to and my anxieties have no reason to become worse either… I just hope that when I get out of this depression that it won’t come back as severe as it was.

I really do not want to cause more trouble for Michelle, the government or for myself. There is that looming sad threat about that they might re-review my case file and decide to pop me out of the country. But it is my home! So I rather not create more disturbance…


I am slowly tackling Dutch again, I have a newbie friend with me this time. He is British and wants to learn a second language and decided for Dutch. So hopefully we can help each other. We are having the darndest fun typing and saying random sentences to each other. It is easier when you have someone with the same experience and progress as you, it has always been a minor annoyance for me when I can not speak properly like I hear it so workign with a fullfledged Dutchling is not optimal for me. It is fun, yes, but it frustrates me that I do not progress quick and I have it the most with pronounciation… so hearing flawless pronounciation is not helping!

We are going into Amsterdam tomorrow, twice this month actually!

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Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

Double morales

Michelle thinks I am selfdestructing and ruining many friendships with the debates about veganism with them. I see why she thinks that way and why she wants to protect me from it. But most of the time, I genuinely hope that by discussing it at least there is a little seed that has sprouted. Unless the recipent is as dense as a wet towel. Which many people are.

Well, to protect myself and the few friendships I have left, I won’t go into the whole “love is not compatible with killing” arguements. Even though I find it genuinely retarded to believe you can love and care for someone and then just kill it because “I like the taste”.

Either way, if the subject would have been anything else than veganism… let’s say transphobia, homophobia or even feminism I would have been applauded by many and encouraged to continue my social justice warrior ways. But no, when it comes to a subject that lets others realize that they are not the only ones living on this planet and should care for the billions of animals that loses their lives based on a consumption that we humans do not need… yea, then I am the bad guy because I offend peoples’ foods.

I will just leave this here:

  • There are thousands of alternatives to meat, dairy and egg. You are just lazy to not research it. Oh, you don’t care because you like the taste? I am glad, the taste is spices, which you can literally recreate.
    • Oh, meat is easy to come by and vegan food is bland? What do you think vegans eat, grass? Just google vegan bbq, vegan dinner, vegan lunch etc, you will see millions of recipes that look better and are not restricted around a piece of carcass. When you remove the “my dish needs to be centered around a dead someone” factor you are open to a million of options.
  • All the nutrients found in meat have other sources. If your body can not take up pure supplements you’d be darned that it can not take up the filthy protein from animals, because surprise, surprise(!) protein is not the only thing you take up from a dead body, you also take up the bad toxins which your body rejects. But tell me more how you suddenly came over a PhD in nutrient values.
    • 90% of vegans have better nutrient values when they become vegan than when they were meat eaters.
  • You make it how you want to make it. You want to be an unhealthy fat vegan? Go for it, you have a ton of cakes, fat food etc. You want to be a body builder vegan? Go for it, you probably will get better results and feel better than the typical meat body builder. You want to be a normal vegan? Be that then.

I just need to find vegan friends.

New shoes!

Michelle’s new shoes arrived, yay! And my manga, volume 2 “Citrus”. So now the collection does not look that awkward in the bookcase, so instead of 1-3-4 there is 1-2-3-4 now! Awww yes! Still waiting for the volume 1 of “The Earl and The Fairy” though, but it will come when it will come.

The shoes look really nice, and they did not pinch at all when she was walking around. One smaller heel and one a bit bigger, so now she has four different shoes with different height heels on. She has to train a lot to be able to walk naturally in heels, pretty much everyone does. I remember my first time, I just strapped on my sisters 15cm high heels and waltzed around, I think I sprained my foot the first time because I sidestepped and the heel just went to the side making my foot twist.

Well, either way she will not learn the hard way (she can already walk pretty good in them, no bending of the knees or walking with your toe-plateau first) but just gotta make it look a bit more natural, as if she was born with heels on!

Amsterdam & new manga!

We have been ordering clothes, make up and manga all around this month. Received a whole lot of money and still incoming more. 300~ from my zorgtoeslag (“care allowance” from the money I pay to my insurance, it is kinda like getting huurtoeslag – “rent allowance”, toeslag*) and incoming vacation money this future week.

*toeslag – to put it simple, you get a percentage back for rent and insurance that you pay. Our rent here is 380 euros and we get back 180 euros per month for our huurtoeslag.

So we ordered a lot of nice clothes for Michelle – both that she can wear right now and some she can wear after a couple of years on HRT. We also bought a new fabulous mascara which is absolutely amazing, the company is sadly not vegan but it is cruelty free (Charlotte Tilbury false eyelashes). We bought some eye shadows too, can’t remember from where now.

Obviously I jumped the gun and bought a bulk of manga, I am not even done! I have four volumes of a completed manga to buy when our vacation money hits too. I bought four volumes of Suki-tte Ii Na Yo – also known as Say I Love You in English (it is hella weird to look up manga and anime by their English names, at least for me) – and four volumes of Citrus. Citrus were ordered first but the first and second volume was out of stock so they have to backorder it, baaah, it is taking a lot of time. But I already got my other, and the next manga collection I am going for is The Earl and The Fairy.


We went to Amsterdam today, for an intake at the gender dysphoria clinic. We were not in the middle of Amsterdam – a bit sad – but the hospital there was huge and bustling with both life and colour. Very vibrant!

The wait time after this now is so long, she also has another appointment at another gender dysphoria clinic (which I mentioned in another post) and we have decided that if she does not hear antyhing from the clinic in Amsterdam before July she will go also go on an appointment at the other clinic, they might be faster at getting it done. She is tired of waiting, she has waited her whole life for it already. I can understand her frustration, you want it now obviously and not later when you aren’t as pass-able.

We saw a lot of genuinely interesting people at the clinic waiting room, i know there is a lot of discussion about FTM not being so outwards and talkative about it, but we saw more FTM than MTF there – at least at the time we were there.

Two options

Oh, awkward, we got a big envelope – quite heavy in weight – today or yesterday, we picked it up today from our hall way floor, yes we are not down there that often, and it is another appointment at the other trans* department (Netherlands have two different ones, one in Amsterdam and one in Groningen) about another appointment.

It is an appointment where if she goes she can start everything immediately, but she went there the first time before we met in real life and they declined her based on her five o’ clock shadow (which you can not do anything about if you yourself do not have any foundation knowledge, which she did not) and they told her: “obviously you are not transgender, you are not even trying”… so she does NOT want to go there based on that memory. So her usual doctor prescribed the hormones instead, she did not know what else she could do – I think it was more or less a thoughtpattern of if Michelle did not get help there was a suicide risk. Which I know it was.

So she can pick and choose now where to go, but we decided Amsterdam anyway. Because that memory is still haunting her. And who doesn’t want to go to the capital? Woopwoop, never been there so will be fun to check it out! Might move closer to it in the future, but right now we will have to settle for once a month. Sometimes our help person will driveu s, sometimes Michelle’s mother and sometimes we are going to stay over there at a hotel. Will have to ask our neighbor to be a catsitter, but it will only be two days then.

This month we are getting our vacation money, we will be selling our fridge to Michelle’s mother and her husband, and buying a smaller one which we can have up in the kitchen. We are also getting their old oven/stove, because they are renovating their whole kitchen into a completely new one. So cool!

So we got a lot going on right now, I have already bought four volumes of a yuri/shoujo ai manga, hihi. I got plans when the vacation money hits I will buy four volumes from Suki-tte Ii Na Yo (Say I Love You) and the volumes are three to six, gotta continue on the collection. Then when we sell our fridge I will buy the complete four volumes of The Earl and The Fairy!

And Michelle will be buying clothes, shoes and a new computer chair. We have already invested in a bunch of summer clothes for her, going to get them this week!

Yay, my manga arrived!

The usual postman dropped them off together with Mich’s new jacket.

Say I Love You (Suki-tte ii na yo) vol 2
Kisses, Sighs and Cherry Blossom Pink (Kuchibiru Tameiki Sakurairo)

Today we are going to the barber for Michelle, gonna cut her hair into a more feminime hairstyle, bangs and layer hair will be the goal. Unless we find a good image in one of their books that suits better. Mich is very nervous over it and so am I, we won’t be doing massive make up, the barber will be washing her hair and we do not want some of the foundation to “fall off”. So might just fill in her eyebrows.