I’m coming straight on for yooouuuu~

We watched a movie a while ago, called “Strange Magic”. Really enjoyed it, love musicals and animated flicks, so when you mix them up… you hit my spot. The voices, the voice acting and the characters were absolutely stunning, the artwork and backgrounds superb and I lived it… I LIVED IT! Well, not really, but it made me very hyper and I can’t stop listening to the songs:

The expressions of the characters in this movie is just amazingly well done!


I had my appointment with the psychologist that came over here today. It was both meh and good. Not leaning towards either, pretty steady in the middle I would say. We are going to contact that institution again that handles anxiety disorders and have way more experience with it than a normal psychologist. Plus they are all psychiatrists, so they are allowed to prescribe medication. Literally everything I have done to help myself or stop the anxieties I have, have done nothing. So if it would help to receive medication I am all in for it to be honest.

We talked for two hours or so, she scribbled down some stuff in her book and then left. I notified her about my currently apathetic state and that I do feel short bursts of anxiety instead of waking up and feeling it instantly. Because that is how bad it became, I woke up from a nice night of sleep and felt anxiety as soon as I gained consciousness. Which I do not understand why I did, I have no reason to and my anxieties have no reason to become worse either… I just hope that when I get out of this depression that it won’t come back as severe as it was.

I really do not want to cause more trouble for Michelle, the government or for myself. There is that looming sad threat about that they might re-review my case file and decide to pop me out of the country. But it is my home! So I rather not create more disturbance…


I am slowly tackling Dutch again, I have a newbie friend with me this time. He is British and wants to learn a second language and decided for Dutch. So hopefully we can help each other. We are having the darndest fun typing and saying random sentences to each other. It is easier when you have someone with the same experience and progress as you, it has always been a minor annoyance for me when I can not speak properly like I hear it so workign with a fullfledged Dutchling is not optimal for me. It is fun, yes, but it frustrates me that I do not progress quick and I have it the most with pronounciation… so hearing flawless pronounciation is not helping!

We are going into Amsterdam tomorrow, twice this month actually!

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Hello.

I am back, I have no idea why I stopped writing, or well I do. I guess this is what this blogpost will be about… and some new images of how we moved around furniture in our house. Can’t end it on a bad note! Or a sad note.

Well, for a couple of months now I have been not feeling quite… tiptop. It feels more or less like a depression, but the symptoms are completely different. I can feel it undermining every thought I have but it does not take over, like usual. I laugh, I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel anger but… not lasting. Because at the end the state of my mind is unstable enough to be apathetic. But not a full-time apathy, which confuses me. Is this a depression or is this something else? I have heavy experience with depressions and it feels like one, but it does not appear like one.

It is weird, but at the same time pretty nice. It dulls my anxiety, and I thank it for that. My anxiety was getting worse to the point where I felt it everyday and for small mundane tasks such as getting people over, talking to people over the internet… my biggest new anxiety that surfaced was to appear vulnerable infront of people. I guess it took such a toll on my body that it ended with it shutting down, to this state. I don’t like it but at the same time I do. Michelle joked about that this might be the rest of my life, free from anxiety. But I do not want this thing eating at me whenever I do not occupy myself with something different all the time…

Meh, either way I will be very honest to the person coming to “help” (still very skeptical about her ability to do so, but it is an alternative to nothing. I ended up not going to the people that specialize in anxiety disorders and they said they would call to make a new appointment, but that was years ago) me on the first September, and tell her that this is how it is now and what is she going to do to try and help me.


On another note, we remodelled the house a bit. We moved the bed downstairs, the bookcases out to the dining corner and moved the table to a different wall. It all looks so fancy and nice now!

Look at all this shit I found!

I have gotten in contact with a lot of very hateful shit lately and I just wanted to share them here. Let’s start with Soldiers of Odin, shall we?

I had no idea this organization existed until I read about that they want to “fix” the whole immigrant issues and exterminate the disease known as homosexuality. I am not even making this up, they have literally on multiple occasions spread their message loud and clear. They might deny that they are a neo-Nazi group but their actions speak louder than their words, maybe the intent wasn’t to become one but you can’t expect it to not blow up. Extremists will be everywhere and it is a classic example of extremists taking over.

It started in Finland spread over Scandinavia and has spread down to the Netherlands, where I currently live. At the moment what they are doing is patrolling the streets, stopping extra long outside gay bars, and they can not be stopped because they are just patrolling… and this is what I have been reading from comments on articles: some people are actually positive against having a neighborhood watch. Yes, you want someone that literally pours hate down your throat to protect you. No, that protection is not for me.

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In English: “The Soldiers of Odin has started patrolling around gay bars in central Stockholm, dear siblings: BE SAFE!” – “Yes, we have started. We are going to cleanse the sickness.”

And for the Dutchies:
Burgerwacht ‘Soldiers of Odin’ actief in Nederland: behulpzaam of walgelijk?
I think you can translate it to English on the site or via google translate.

Their facebook page has literally a ton of people screaming about exterminating anything that is not white, cis and normal…


I have also been seeing a lot of “WTF” shit regarding being transgender…

For example, in England and Wales, you can be reported for RAPE if you do not tell your sex partner that you are transgender. What the flying fuck? So i.e being trans* makes you a rapist. What the fuck is that kind of logic? I do not think that if you are trans* that you have to tell anyone unless you really want to! It is your own body and identity, if you are a female you are a female, if you are a male you are a male. No one should be able to tell you different. If a cis/anything man/woman sleeps with a trans* man/woman they slept with the gender they saw. Simple. There is no fucking trickery!

wtfewwgwa

This is the link for anyone that wants to read through it:
Trans people face jail for rape if they have sex without sharing their gender history

So now you can legally be discriminated against if you are anything besides CIS. I am glad that the Netherlands have nothing like that. This is just so damn medieval and backward.


I will leave these here.

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Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!

Food & Withdrawals

Having withdrawals almost all the time. I guess my habit was to smoke a lot and often, so my body craves it way too often. If I could go back and decide again to start or not, I wouldn’t. Still question the reasoning behind why it i legal and why it shouldn’t be. It is affordable/legal “heroin”, not the same drug or withdrawals obviously, but the way it manifests as an addiction is the same as any other heavy drug. You get the same chemical changes in your body, mind and hormones – and when you quit it, you notice how bad it is for you. I have a tendency to crack on the second day, I really will try to not tomorrow.

I have also been halfsleeping all day to escape the craving. But now when I do not, it hits hard…


On a better note! We made our own baguettes today, Michelle’s with walnutchicken-paste, cucumber and paprika and mine with hummus, cucumber, paprika and tomato. It was tasty and shall be eaten another time!

Oh, I almost forgot to show off my pocket girlfriends. They have new outfits again, got to show them off~! Michelle (huhu, yes, they are all small pocketMichelles, only with different names) to the left is sporting a fancy new pink hairstyle, her magic wind outfit with a lovely new background. Michie to the right is getting cozy and ready for bed!

Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

Yes… this happened.

retard
I just wanted to share this. A couple of fun facts that she does not bring up:
1. She acted condescending and mocking towards me in the beginning of it all, and I am not a person that can stand above it sadly – trying to fix it. But apparently putting yourself in a better light is far more important than revealing both sides, just like eating somebody is far more important than caring for your own body and environment.
2. The arguements she had against veganism where literally Vegan Sidekick’s images. Almost textbook stupid. And when she had nothing else to retort to she went with “PLANTS HAVE FEELINGS”… so I just told her if she cared for plant lives she should choose a vegan lifestyle, less casualities.
3. Veganism is not for lazy people, according to her obviously, because it is so hard living in a bigger city with more than eight different vegan restaurants and more than four different vegan food stores to find vegan foodsources.
4. Love is not compatible with killing. It isn’t. Deal with it properly, like an adult. Making statuses about “omg horrible things happens but this vegan fascist…” is not really mature, I am glad to not be you, a disrespectful twat that can not hold her own in a simple discussion about doing the bare minimum of understanding that animals have basic rights, like anyone else, and that you are contributing/funding the exploit of their rights.
5. And really? Going as far as to compare me to genocide and religious fanatics? Seems more like your thing, seeing you are the one contributing to the far more vast amount of animals killed, both in the industry and in the fields. Only in the meat/dairy industry genocide and psychopathy are welcome. But hey, as long as it pleases your tongue.
6. I also never said anything about not caring for farmers, being a vegan you think about everyone’s health and quality of life, not only your own. To buy ecological is a far better choice to help said workers with their daily life than just being random items and not knowing what you support. But what kind of intelligence can I expect from someone that claims that all turks are filth?
Sadly this person is a former close friends’ girlfriend and she deals with her own double morales in her everyday life (overbearing, control freak and condescending towards anyone that is not her – not a big surprise that she is a racist). I did not have a good image or impression of her before this, but I did not want it to ruin something that might have been a somewhat close reminder of friendship. But seeing her rare display of retardation… meh, I rather be without her.