A small Q&A #1…

I know there have been a lot of questions (and thoughts) and I made a FAQ before about Michelle, transgender, our relationship and everything around it. But I will go in a bit deeper today, and explore all the things I can think of that people might wonder, and hope this blogposts answers the thoughts, that I at least can come up with. Might be some other things people want answered, obviously it is completely fine to ask and hopefully get it answered. There might only be two “questions” or so answered, because all of the questions I have gotten and I can think of are huge subjects, do not want to drag on the reading part.

Well, first I think we should dwell into the whole “when did she know she was transgender” question. I, as a CIS female, do not know the struggle of trans*, when it begins or when someone realizes such. But I have talked a lot about it with Michelle, her mother/family in general and a lot of friends we both have in common. Based on that I would say an early age, already very feminime as a child but her mother did not explore the trans* matter, in that time there was no such thing as awareness for it and no one could really instantly think about it, like nowadays where parents can immediately recognize if their child is unhappy and based on a throughout research and therapy it might get solved before puberty. Michelle did not have that luxury, like so many others.

She always knew she was a bit on the not-normal-side but did not know how to express it. I met her during her first hormone-attempt (best I can call it, she quit it when she moved to Sweden, it was like an escape for her) and I started growing feelings towards this person, even with all her struggles, and imagined a lot of what could be. Sadly, at this point she did not harbor any kind of interest for me, but that is a whole different story.

Already at tween-years I think she knew, most of her girlfriends after that point fucked her over quite hard. She had abandonment issues, severe dysphoria – like most cases of trans* – and ended up staying inside everyday playing WoW (it is a great escape from reality) and was thinking about suicide. She was able to be put on hormones and that is when I started to get to know her.

So to keep to the answer… very early I think she knew, but after puberty she went into to transitioning – and stopped and now transitioning again.

The second part of the Q&A I guess will try and respond to the whole “but your relationship?”. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and trust, we both want to continue it, whatever gender we both may be does not matter to us. We both consider ourselves pansexuals, we do not love each other for our genitals even if they are quite good at their jobs – the loss of her penis (if she decides for it, will probably be answered in another little segment) does not really pain or sadden me, we could explore toys and so many new ways to connect physically and emotionally.

This whole ordeal makes it hard for me to understand how someone can go from loving a person to when said person transitions/tells the lover about their trans* that they suddenly go completely cold and can’t be with the person. I understand the logic, but at the same time I do not. It is quite painful to see that so many other people do not have the luxury of a partner that will love them for who they truely are. You can’t blame either one either, even though you want to. It is their personal choice and is in most cases based on their sexual attraction.

We will continue our engagement, but lay off the wedding until Michelle feels and sees that her transition is well enough. We both know that the hormone therapy will be a very tricky and awkward part, it is a second puberty for Michelle literally. But that gives me time to achieve my goals for our mutual wedding image. I just want to support her through it all without rushing into something she does not want to do – and I know for sure that she does want to look attractive on our wedding day. She wants to simply look pass-able as a woman, and a decent looking woman at that. Based on her genes she will be a very pretty girl, which would not matter to me, but it does matter to her so I respect that. The wedding will come, in time.

So to conclude the segment: we are staying together, we love each other dearly and I would not give up our bond for anything.

Thank you for reading, in a short while the next part will be posted (mostly when I have the time to type it all down. As said, it is a lot).

You pansexual lolwat?

Oh yes, I have gotten that kind of reaction, I understand that people do not instantly know the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality, and why there is a need for new words for everything. But “panny” Nela~ is here to help you with your confusion and also share a bit of her early, early, early life when she was a confused little non-knowing-panny (such a catchy word, I will use it from now on). It took me years to come to a conclusion to what I am and what I attracted to sexually, I know for some people this is not an important step but for some others it is a giant leap and helps a lot with solving/building your identity.

Oh ok, so where to start? The story time or the reaction-ramble? Hmm… hard to say. Let us start with…the “you = pansexual lolwat?” thing first to get that out of the way.

Ok so yes, it was recently that I started calling and sexually identify as a pansexual individual and I guess an explaination of the word itself is necessary.

Pansexuality is when you fall/get sexually attracted to personalities and not solely genders or any biological sexes. You are literally genderblind, you do not see a person for their genitalia, you see them for their individuality.

It is my own interpretation, here is the google definition:

“Pansexuality, however, composed with the prefix pan-, is the sexual attraction to a person of any sex or gender.”

I would say I was and am pretty damn close with the explaination and wouldn’t have needed to google it, but you can never die of more knowledge! Even if it is trivial – I know some people will think it is. A better clarification in a different form:


I thought bisexuality is a tad bit restricting, because it is only if you are attracted to the biological sex someone has – as in (VERY simplified explaination) most of the time if your partner turns out to be transgender and wants to go through with it, the bisexual person loses interest/attraction to their partner. A pansexual would still love their partner for whatever or whoever he/she is. So bisexuality didn’t really ring a bell for me, pansexuality fit me more… like a glove almost, even though I do not wear gloves, frozen hands during winter, woopwoop!

I do not know why I strayed off the path there, I am so sorry and at the same time… I am not. This blog is more or less about me and my thoughts, so every thought and sentence count! Even if it is out of place.

Anyway, back to the subject. I know it comes as a shock to many people, I have never really been open about my sexuality and I never felt the need to be. I know a lot of close people that would instantly be like “lol no, you just want to be special”, so… your sexuality makes you special? I would rather think that my individual qualities makes me special, not my sexual preference. Oh you guys wanting to be special with your heterosexuality/homosexuality/bisexuality/genderfluidness! Seriously, cringing hard here.

Now to the story time, well, not as much of a story time as in like telling you I was a confused little person. I had intense crushes on my female friends and I was agonizing most of my days about them seeing me as disgusting, my family being weird about it (why I never even mentioned it to my closest sister) and blahblah. I did what any other lazy person does, I went with the “norm”: female goes with males and vice versa, never uttered a single word about being attracted to my friends. Until I met Michelle, I can talk about everything with her, thankfully.

I did have very weird experiences during schooltime because of it, I held hands with most of my female friends, it was an act of affection and endearment. But for me it was a tad bit more with some. I had butterflies in my tummy holding hands with some, hugging them almost made me melt and sometimes I would imagine kissing them and them actually kissing me back, and not because they had to (internal yay scream)! But I never did anything with it, so my young self suffered hard with that and being an outcast up until the gymnasium period, still suffered from falling in love with my female friends, they were a bit more open about everything which I enjoyed, I still never told them about it because… well, I never really had a reason to open up about it, even though you would argue “but it is your friends!”… I would just rather stay low with issues (yes, big issues for me back then) like that and I have one example I can type down, cringing intensely, and it was mortifying both not being able to tell her and wanting to tell her (small tidbit of info about me: I was a very timid and shy character even though I played the comic relief part most of the time): I slept in a bed together with one of my best friends and I had very… difficult urges to hold back during it. I knew she did not see me that way so I never told her, I was afraid of rejection simply. It was just easier to not than to just do it and talk about it.

It is just really hard to bring up subjects like these, to the people closest to you when you know it is about them and you do not know how they will react.

I guess I will round if off now before I start rambling about something else.