First day without nicotine

It is a horrible, horrible, horrible day! Fuuuuck, why is nicotine/tobacco fucking legal from the beginning?! I am almost caving in already to go back to smoking, but not this time, not this time! I will fight it, I hate the fucking coldsweat, the shivering and the fucking anxiety but what I hate more than the withdrawals is taking a smoke and feeling how it kills you from the inside.

I swear, there is no one that actually WANTS to quit. They just do and they just do it. The whole reasoning with “to quit you have to want it too!” is pure bullshit. There is no addict that really, really, really wants to quit the addiction. But they just do it instead, I want to be a just do it person too! I do not want to struggle with the wanting, I just instead don’t and what I do is fighting it instead!

The reason they say the first week is the most horrible is because it is the week that introduce you, a person that has never had withdrawals before, to the withdrawals – not just some of them, all of them… it is pretty much like not exercising and then suddenly exercising everyday – your body, your mind and your hormones get shocked.

The worst part is that the anxiety that my mind and body gets from not getting any nicotine doubles my normal anxiety… not that great and we have a new person coming over for an appointment tomorrow. Just gotta get through it. “Hey hormones, let’s give the person with anxiety disorders more anxiety hohohoho best prank ever!”

Either way, I am taking my first step towards becoming a smoke-free person. Hooray for me!

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Celebrated mem’s birthday!

No, not my own mom, but my other own mom! As in Michelle’s mother. She is like a second mother to me, so I figured I could call her secretly mem (fries for mother). I told her that I loved her as a second mother today, she got really happy and I got all fuzzy and warm inside, felt nice to express it. She has done so much for both of us and she is like a rock in a very wavy ocean for me sometimes.

We celebrated it at their place, with her mother, father and sister there. Michelle came dressed as herself and it was a surprise for the others. They handled it well, a lot of staring went on though but I do not think it was malicious. Probably just surprised, Michie’s grandmother kept going on about how beautiful she was. Makes me happy to hear!

They left after three-four hours of just socializing, eating snacks and drinking wine. When I three-kissed the grandma goodbye I got a heavy longing for my own grandmother, I guess she just has that aura. We enjoyed two more hours just talking about a lot of things with Michie’s mother and Frans.

It wasn’t a lot of vegan options in the beginning and I did not want to be an inconvenience and say anything, I felt it was very impolite but Michelle did anyway and they brought out cherry tomatoes and some nuts for me, yay! That and some very spicy olives, for once I actually enjoyed eating olives, might be time to try normal ones again? Your tastebuds do change.

We talked a lot about pansexuality, trans*, Michelle – everything about her, including transitioning etc, families, opinions from others, insecurities, sexualities overall… a lot of subjects bounced around.

Doggies were fun obviously, very cute and cozy to pat and hug. Intensely cute!

My family is coming down again this summer, in two-three weeks, grandma is coming down too – yay!

Amsterdam & new manga!

We have been ordering clothes, make up and manga all around this month. Received a whole lot of money and still incoming more. 300~ from my zorgtoeslag (“care allowance” from the money I pay to my insurance, it is kinda like getting huurtoeslag – “rent allowance”, toeslag*) and incoming vacation money this future week.

*toeslag – to put it simple, you get a percentage back for rent and insurance that you pay. Our rent here is 380 euros and we get back 180 euros per month for our huurtoeslag.

So we ordered a lot of nice clothes for Michelle – both that she can wear right now and some she can wear after a couple of years on HRT. We also bought a new fabulous mascara which is absolutely amazing, the company is sadly not vegan but it is cruelty free (Charlotte Tilbury false eyelashes). We bought some eye shadows too, can’t remember from where now.

Obviously I jumped the gun and bought a bulk of manga, I am not even done! I have four volumes of a completed manga to buy when our vacation money hits too. I bought four volumes of Suki-tte Ii Na Yo – also known as Say I Love You in English (it is hella weird to look up manga and anime by their English names, at least for me) – and four volumes of Citrus. Citrus were ordered first but the first and second volume was out of stock so they have to backorder it, baaah, it is taking a lot of time. But I already got my other, and the next manga collection I am going for is The Earl and The Fairy.


We went to Amsterdam today, for an intake at the gender dysphoria clinic. We were not in the middle of Amsterdam – a bit sad – but the hospital there was huge and bustling with both life and colour. Very vibrant!

The wait time after this now is so long, she also has another appointment at another gender dysphoria clinic (which I mentioned in another post) and we have decided that if she does not hear antyhing from the clinic in Amsterdam before July she will go also go on an appointment at the other clinic, they might be faster at getting it done. She is tired of waiting, she has waited her whole life for it already. I can understand her frustration, you want it now obviously and not later when you aren’t as pass-able.

We saw a lot of genuinely interesting people at the clinic waiting room, i know there is a lot of discussion about FTM not being so outwards and talkative about it, but we saw more FTM than MTF there – at least at the time we were there.

Two options

Oh, awkward, we got a big envelope – quite heavy in weight – today or yesterday, we picked it up today from our hall way floor, yes we are not down there that often, and it is another appointment at the other trans* department (Netherlands have two different ones, one in Amsterdam and one in Groningen) about another appointment.

It is an appointment where if she goes she can start everything immediately, but she went there the first time before we met in real life and they declined her based on her five o’ clock shadow (which you can not do anything about if you yourself do not have any foundation knowledge, which she did not) and they told her: “obviously you are not transgender, you are not even trying”… so she does NOT want to go there based on that memory. So her usual doctor prescribed the hormones instead, she did not know what else she could do – I think it was more or less a thoughtpattern of if Michelle did not get help there was a suicide risk. Which I know it was.

So she can pick and choose now where to go, but we decided Amsterdam anyway. Because that memory is still haunting her. And who doesn’t want to go to the capital? Woopwoop, never been there so will be fun to check it out! Might move closer to it in the future, but right now we will have to settle for once a month. Sometimes our help person will driveu s, sometimes Michelle’s mother and sometimes we are going to stay over there at a hotel. Will have to ask our neighbor to be a catsitter, but it will only be two days then.

This month we are getting our vacation money, we will be selling our fridge to Michelle’s mother and her husband, and buying a smaller one which we can have up in the kitchen. We are also getting their old oven/stove, because they are renovating their whole kitchen into a completely new one. So cool!

So we got a lot going on right now, I have already bought four volumes of a yuri/shoujo ai manga, hihi. I got plans when the vacation money hits I will buy four volumes from Suki-tte Ii Na Yo (Say I Love You) and the volumes are three to six, gotta continue on the collection. Then when we sell our fridge I will buy the complete four volumes of The Earl and The Fairy!

And Michelle will be buying clothes, shoes and a new computer chair. We have already invested in a bunch of summer clothes for her, going to get them this week!

A small Q&A #3…

Well, back to the segment! Let’s handle those hard and tough questions that everyone seems to care about… First part: A small Q&A #1… and second part: A small Q&A #2….


The genitalia what is gonna happen?” … oh how many times haven’t we gotten this as a first reaction? Why can’t people just be happy that Michelle is finally aiming for her own happiness and quality of life? No, it is all about the genitalia. Frankly, it is not anyones’ goddamn business what will be/is/was in anyones’ pants. But to be more precise, because this blog is more personal and detailed I feel an obligation to do so.

Michelle’s dysphoria is not against her own penis, it is her overall body, the sex she was born in and how she perceives herself. So she will not go through with the reassignment surgery, IF in the future that she feels that her penis is the last part that contributes to her depressive side, then she will go through with it and for my own part, I do not care that much. I did not fall in love with her penis, I did not get engaged with her penis. Sure there will be a big change, considering how it will be in our sex life, but we will try to find more ways to connect mentally, physically and emotionally. I am looking forward to it! If it now happens.

Her dysphoria goes even a bit deeper than just “I need to remove it”, she can not perceive the surgery as something that will give her happiness, she just wants to have been born as a CIS female. I do not know the struggle but I imagine plenty of trans* already goes through this too and can recognize it. The surgery can make people happy and it can also aid their negative thoughts…


Are you sure HE is not just gay?” Ok, because anyone volunteerily goes through this just so people can remark on their sexuality… well, we are quite sure SHE is gay, but would prefer to be labelled as a pansexual – genitalia does not matter, like it apparently does in your world – nothing wrong with that, but do not expect everyone to see it like you do, it is called common sense… and you refusing to use the pronouns Michelle feels comfortable with shows me that you are a very disrespectful person and I would probably not want you close to me or her.


Wow, you do fucking everything to get attention…“… What? Did you really trample all over Michelle and her bravery just because you think she does it for the attention? NO ONE would go through intense depression, suicidal thoughts and identity issues, confusion volunteerily, and then finally being able to be who they are and here you fucking come and step on them? Oh, if I wasn’t against violence… I would smack that bigotted head right off your neck, must be quite a burden to be that fucking retarded. Try to view the world in a more positive and less distrusting way and you might make progress as an individual.

I know this segment got a bit heated, sorry for losing my temper, but it is still stuff I do get angry over because it is such a sign of disrespect and bad character, you should cut people like this out of your life as soon as possible.


Well, there was one big and two smaller segments, I got furious typing them and now I need to calm down for a while. This might be the end of the Q&A – sorry and not sorry. There isn’t anything more to type about it and the general questions that people seem to give a shit about got answered now.

Sorry to you nice folks reading, I know you wish her well and us happiness, I wish it back, hugs and kisses! There will be more blogposts about me and Michelle in the future, less negativity more positivity!

A small Q&A #2…

Ohai there again, there will be two big segments like last time. Let’s dive in! For newer readers this is a serie of blogposts where I will answer questions, thoughts and just random pondering (from outside, me, Michelle, generic sources) about Michelle, trans*, our relationship and so on. It is based on what I have gotten asked to myself, what have been asked to Michelle and general ideas and thoughts I have come up with. Here is the earlier segment: A small Q&A #1…A small Q&A #1…. Oh, where to start? We covered a tiny chunk last time.


“Have you or Michelle lost contact with friends/family after she came out officially?” Yes. I have lost a couple and Michelle too, but our families are standing at our side, thankfully. I lost a few with just them being very rude about it and asking very poor formulated questions which I took offense too, I tried to be very polite about it but their attitudes did not change and it was a mutual agreement to remove each other from each others’ lives. Some just sneaky cut me off from FB after her big announcement, if I can’t remember who I probably wasn’t that close friends with them either (I have like 60~ friends currently – mostly family and friends from Sweden – and it dropped from 68~).

I think Michelle lost a lot of people, but they also were very rude about her coming out as trans* and asking people to use her new name and female pronouns – this is literally a simple act of respect, if you can’t even do this… anyway, the losses were few but we got such great support from the people that remained that it doesn’t even matter. You should not surround yourself with negativity generally.


“Lesbians now?” I guess now we could classify us as lesbians, but that restricts the personal knowledge we have. I do not get only attracted to females and neither does Michelle. First of all, we do not even get attracted to the genitalia, sex is just sex, but when you mix personality, individualism, an unspeakable bond with sex you get such a meaningful experience. You value the person based on them, not based on their junk.

It is such a freeing experience and way of life, when you stop thinking in only male-female perspectives, you think in a bigger and more person-based perspective instead. It has helped me value people more and value my relationship with Michelle much, much more. You also realize that the stereotypes each gender has been given are so unfair and not at all realistic – but I think this part ties in with almost every ideal you might have that promotes open minds and progressive thinking, not only being a pansexual.

Sexual acts do not only have to be about rubbing or penetrating, sex can be so much more sensual and the sensual sexlife we already have might get even more heightened in the future, which I am looking hella’ forward to. Wink~

Either way, as far as labels go, we are pannies by heart. No gender construct tying our feelings down. I know I have brought this up multiple times, but you do not understand how much I stress this to people and they still ask me if I enjoy munching the rug now and if all the boycraze in earlier years disappeared to (yeah… I do not remember it like that, I remember being confused and trying to hook up with guys just to prove that I am not abnormal, yet another post right there I think).


Look forward to the next part~!

Michie’s number one fear…

I can’t really speak for her, but discussing and talking a lot with her has revealed a couple of things. Even if I am as supportive and helpful as I can be during her transition, struggle and journey, there will always be that fear of abandonment. One of her old ex girlfriends did that to her and it is one of her biggest fears and even though she feels somewhat safe with me, it is still there.

Even during all our make up sessions, all our hair styling, all our clothes shopping… she has a fear of me up and leaving in the future, sooner or later. To just be like her old girlfriend and be very encouraging and helpful in the beginning, accepting her for who she is and then suddenly disappear, because it is a dealbreaker and she can not be with another “girl”.

I completely understand that everyone has their own sexuality and preference, but at the same time I don’t. I would hope you would at least love the person for who they are, not for what is between their legs! But that is just me, I know. I know that it is an unreasonable demand.

I do not know how to combat her fear, only with just staying with her, because I know myself I do love her and that will not change. But her unconscious can not know that, even if she keeps telling herself that this might be it… I just hope that with time I will prove that fear wrong.

I know she had terrible nightmares before about me just up and leaving her, I think they are gone now, but she will never… really know for sure that this is it. No one can really, neither can I. I just put my hope and faith into it, just some people put their faith in God and some others put their faith in destiny. I put my faith in myself and I hope to make my own so called destiny worthwhile, for me and for her. Michelle is my family, I do not want her to feel this insecurity and fear. I know that feelings can slowly dissipate sometimes, but in this case it feels like I fall more and more every day, we bond continuously and the bond goes stronger and stronger. I hope I will never be the cause of her despair…

I know a lot of trans* coming out individuals fear this moment the most, because there is always that vague insecurity and fear that even if people say they are alright with it and push forward, that suddenly they will realize that their feelings have cooled off and the relationship is not for them. I had my fair share of abandonment fears, you can never really get rid off them. Even with complete trust, your unconscious is always afraid that you are not enough, you are not acceptable as the person you are. I just hope that in the future, when we are old and gray haired, we can look back at this insecurity and laugh at it.