Image

Bubbles and Butterflies~

This might be a bit different to what I usually post. But I have been talking to for a while now a very kind and caring human being. This person makes me so happy and fluttery, that I just… could evaporate into a small cloud of happiness-bubbles. He is the calm to my frantic, his charisma and personality is top tier and his looks, goddamn… I seem to always go for people out of my league. I am just so intense-happy about that he seems to feel the same way, just enjoying each others company. Talking until we fall asleep, wake up in the morning still in a call and just being able to say good morning to each other, playing games together, having fun mixed with serious chats… we seem to fit so well. The humour we share is so dark and hilarious.

I would not label this yet, until I have met him and experience real life together. But it seems to be going in a very good direction, so we (both) are not in any kind of rush. Right now we are just enjoying each others company, all the other fluttery and bubbly feelings and thoughts are just bonuses to whatever we have going on. For someone a bit younger than me he is very mature, he is four years younger and has his life more sorted than I have my socks. Haha! Well, not that it is a bad thing – we both have our whole lives ahead of us, I am just a bit sad I started a bit late to work on my own future (but this is not about that!).

I might end up flying from Amsterdam to Gothenburg, which means that we can meet already at that point – iiiiih! Makes me blush thinking about it. I am actually looking forward to solve and settle my debts/situations in Sweden. A tiny, teeny bit anxious and overwhelmed still, but who wouldn’t be? I just have to rely a bit on others to help me get started, I am pretty horrible at relying on people, so it will be a learning experience!

Michelle seems happier too, she is crushing on a German girl, which seems very kind and caring. I am happy she is also working on herself, to become the person she wants to be.

Advertisements

Good evening

Well, figured I could do the next post about now. Might be a mix of both happy and depressive. But that is me, a mix between “omfg this gigglemaniac” and “omfg this depressed cunt”.

Well, I am actively receiving help now/again. Going through EMDR, normal therapy and medication to gain anxiety relief. I also have a help-person that comes over to my place, to help me do things, like go outside, cleaning etc. Low motivation make that happen. I really want to go outside sometimes, but the crippling anxiety (I made myself chuckle) hinders me. But I am working on it and I think I am making some kind of progress. Even though they may seem tiny. So I have this going on for me, which is better than nothing.

While I am working on moving back to Sweden. Michelle and I broke up on Christmas Eve, which means that we are living as room-mates until I have the ability to travel back, with Keiko, to Sweden. I have decided to go by train, easier with a catbox. Every break-up is messy, but I think we made a mature decision and we ended it on neutral terms. Just a bit awkward/hard to go back to just being friends, almost lost the ability to do so.

I want to type more emotional content, but I don’t know. Don’t really know how to put it in words. I guess. As said, I don’t know.

I’m coming straight on for yooouuuu~

We watched a movie a while ago, called “Strange Magic”. Really enjoyed it, love musicals and animated flicks, so when you mix them up… you hit my spot. The voices, the voice acting and the characters were absolutely stunning, the artwork and backgrounds superb and I lived it… I LIVED IT! Well, not really, but it made me very hyper and I can’t stop listening to the songs:

The expressions of the characters in this movie is just amazingly well done!


I had my appointment with the psychologist that came over here today. It was both meh and good. Not leaning towards either, pretty steady in the middle I would say. We are going to contact that institution again that handles anxiety disorders and have way more experience with it than a normal psychologist. Plus they are all psychiatrists, so they are allowed to prescribe medication. Literally everything I have done to help myself or stop the anxieties I have, have done nothing. So if it would help to receive medication I am all in for it to be honest.

We talked for two hours or so, she scribbled down some stuff in her book and then left. I notified her about my currently apathetic state and that I do feel short bursts of anxiety instead of waking up and feeling it instantly. Because that is how bad it became, I woke up from a nice night of sleep and felt anxiety as soon as I gained consciousness. Which I do not understand why I did, I have no reason to and my anxieties have no reason to become worse either… I just hope that when I get out of this depression that it won’t come back as severe as it was.

I really do not want to cause more trouble for Michelle, the government or for myself. There is that looming sad threat about that they might re-review my case file and decide to pop me out of the country. But it is my home! So I rather not create more disturbance…


I am slowly tackling Dutch again, I have a newbie friend with me this time. He is British and wants to learn a second language and decided for Dutch. So hopefully we can help each other. We are having the darndest fun typing and saying random sentences to each other. It is easier when you have someone with the same experience and progress as you, it has always been a minor annoyance for me when I can not speak properly like I hear it so workign with a fullfledged Dutchling is not optimal for me. It is fun, yes, but it frustrates me that I do not progress quick and I have it the most with pronounciation… so hearing flawless pronounciation is not helping!

We are going into Amsterdam tomorrow, twice this month actually!

Hello.

I am back, I have no idea why I stopped writing, or well I do. I guess this is what this blogpost will be about… and some new images of how we moved around furniture in our house. Can’t end it on a bad note! Or a sad note.

Well, for a couple of months now I have been not feeling quite… tiptop. It feels more or less like a depression, but the symptoms are completely different. I can feel it undermining every thought I have but it does not take over, like usual. I laugh, I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel anger but… not lasting. Because at the end the state of my mind is unstable enough to be apathetic. But not a full-time apathy, which confuses me. Is this a depression or is this something else? I have heavy experience with depressions and it feels like one, but it does not appear like one.

It is weird, but at the same time pretty nice. It dulls my anxiety, and I thank it for that. My anxiety was getting worse to the point where I felt it everyday and for small mundane tasks such as getting people over, talking to people over the internet… my biggest new anxiety that surfaced was to appear vulnerable infront of people. I guess it took such a toll on my body that it ended with it shutting down, to this state. I don’t like it but at the same time I do. Michelle joked about that this might be the rest of my life, free from anxiety. But I do not want this thing eating at me whenever I do not occupy myself with something different all the time…

Meh, either way I will be very honest to the person coming to “help” (still very skeptical about her ability to do so, but it is an alternative to nothing. I ended up not going to the people that specialize in anxiety disorders and they said they would call to make a new appointment, but that was years ago) me on the first September, and tell her that this is how it is now and what is she going to do to try and help me.


On another note, we remodelled the house a bit. We moved the bed downstairs, the bookcases out to the dining corner and moved the table to a different wall. It all looks so fancy and nice now!

Can’t sleep…

Went to bed late like usual with Michelle, around 3.00, woke up again and tossed until now (5.05) and then I decided to go up. I am completely and fully awake i.e I do not feel a single shred of fatigue in my body, only in my eyes – but not the sort of tiredness you need to sleep. Is this nicotine craving induced or just a one-time thing? I really hope for the latter.

I feel horrible for actually waking up Michelle putting on clothes, I tried to do it very silently but she has a sensitive sleepsense for that apparently. Or the light from the moon in our roofwindow gets shadowed by me multiple times in a row and that messes with the eyelid sensitivity? Either way I still feel guilty for telling her to fall asleep again, knowing it is a 50/50 chance for her to be able to do so…


Time to showcase my new mage in World of Warcraft – the best time of the day to do so too! Haha, don’t want this post to only be complaining. I do have a smexy mage! I have fun again in WoW and I am looking forward to Legion. Probably because I am playing with people I enjoy playing with now and there are little to none obligations and responsibilities. This blog has seen its fair share of me complaining about officer-life…

Apparently I also have a thing for making my characters look like different classes compared to what class they are. My druid looks like a rogue, my mage looks like a priest and my priest looks like a warlock. I have no idea why!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I know it’s early but… good morning!

Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!

Food & Withdrawals

Having withdrawals almost all the time. I guess my habit was to smoke a lot and often, so my body craves it way too often. If I could go back and decide again to start or not, I wouldn’t. Still question the reasoning behind why it i legal and why it shouldn’t be. It is affordable/legal “heroin”, not the same drug or withdrawals obviously, but the way it manifests as an addiction is the same as any other heavy drug. You get the same chemical changes in your body, mind and hormones – and when you quit it, you notice how bad it is for you. I have a tendency to crack on the second day, I really will try to not tomorrow.

I have also been halfsleeping all day to escape the craving. But now when I do not, it hits hard…


On a better note! We made our own baguettes today, Michelle’s with walnutchicken-paste, cucumber and paprika and mine with hummus, cucumber, paprika and tomato. It was tasty and shall be eaten another time!

Oh, I almost forgot to show off my pocket girlfriends. They have new outfits again, got to show them off~! Michelle (huhu, yes, they are all small pocketMichelles, only with different names) to the left is sporting a fancy new pink hairstyle, her magic wind outfit with a lovely new background. Michie to the right is getting cozy and ready for bed!