A small Q&A #2…

Ohai there again, there will be two big segments like last time. Let’s dive in! For newer readers this is a serie of blogposts where I will answer questions, thoughts and just random pondering (from outside, me, Michelle, generic sources) about Michelle, trans*, our relationship and so on. It is based on what I have gotten asked to myself, what have been asked to Michelle and general ideas and thoughts I have come up with. Here is the earlier segment: A small Q&A #1…A small Q&A #1…. Oh, where to start? We covered a tiny chunk last time.


“Have you or Michelle lost contact with friends/family after she came out officially?” Yes. I have lost a couple and Michelle too, but our families are standing at our side, thankfully. I lost a few with just them being very rude about it and asking very poor formulated questions which I took offense too, I tried to be very polite about it but their attitudes did not change and it was a mutual agreement to remove each other from each others’ lives. Some just sneaky cut me off from FB after her big announcement, if I can’t remember who I probably wasn’t that close friends with them either (I have like 60~ friends currently – mostly family and friends from Sweden – and it dropped from 68~).

I think Michelle lost a lot of people, but they also were very rude about her coming out as trans* and asking people to use her new name and female pronouns – this is literally a simple act of respect, if you can’t even do this… anyway, the losses were few but we got such great support from the people that remained that it doesn’t even matter. You should not surround yourself with negativity generally.


“Lesbians now?” I guess now we could classify us as lesbians, but that restricts the personal knowledge we have. I do not get only attracted to females and neither does Michelle. First of all, we do not even get attracted to the genitalia, sex is just sex, but when you mix personality, individualism, an unspeakable bond with sex you get such a meaningful experience. You value the person based on them, not based on their junk.

It is such a freeing experience and way of life, when you stop thinking in only male-female perspectives, you think in a bigger and more person-based perspective instead. It has helped me value people more and value my relationship with Michelle much, much more. You also realize that the stereotypes each gender has been given are so unfair and not at all realistic – but I think this part ties in with almost every ideal you might have that promotes open minds and progressive thinking, not only being a pansexual.

Sexual acts do not only have to be about rubbing or penetrating, sex can be so much more sensual and the sensual sexlife we already have might get even more heightened in the future, which I am looking hella’ forward to. Wink~

Either way, as far as labels go, we are pannies by heart. No gender construct tying our feelings down. I know I have brought this up multiple times, but you do not understand how much I stress this to people and they still ask me if I enjoy munching the rug now and if all the boycraze in earlier years disappeared to (yeah… I do not remember it like that, I remember being confused and trying to hook up with guys just to prove that I am not abnormal, yet another post right there I think).


Look forward to the next part~!

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A small Q&A #1…

I know there have been a lot of questions (and thoughts) and I made a FAQ before about Michelle, transgender, our relationship and everything around it. But I will go in a bit deeper today, and explore all the things I can think of that people might wonder, and hope this blogposts answers the thoughts, that I at least can come up with. Might be some other things people want answered, obviously it is completely fine to ask and hopefully get it answered. There might only be two “questions” or so answered, because all of the questions I have gotten and I can think of are huge subjects, do not want to drag on the reading part.


Well, first I think we should dwell into the whole “when did she know she was transgender” question. I, as a CIS female, do not know the struggle of trans*, when it begins or when someone realizes such. But I have talked a lot about it with Michelle, her mother/family in general and a lot of friends we both have in common. Based on that I would say an early age, already very feminime as a child but her mother did not explore the trans* matter, in that time there was no such thing as awareness for it and no one could really instantly think about it, like nowadays where parents can immediately recognize if their child is unhappy and based on a throughout research and therapy it might get solved before puberty. Michelle did not have that luxury, like so many others.

She always knew she was a bit on the not-normal-side but did not know how to express it. I met her during her first hormone-attempt (best I can call it, she quit it when she moved to Sweden, it was like an escape for her) and I started growing feelings towards this person, even with all her struggles, and imagined a lot of what could be. Sadly, at this point she did not harbor any kind of interest for me, but that is a whole different story.

Already at tween-years I think she knew, most of her girlfriends after that point fucked her over quite hard. She had abandonment issues, severe dysphoria – like most cases of trans* – and ended up staying inside everyday playing WoW (it is a great escape from reality) and was thinking about suicide. She was able to be put on hormones and that is when I started to get to know her.

So to keep to the answer… very early I think she knew, but after puberty she went into to transitioning – and stopped and now transitioning again.


The second part of the Q&A I guess will try and respond to the whole “but your relationship?”. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and trust, we both want to continue it, whatever gender we both may be does not matter to us. We both consider ourselves pansexuals, we do not love each other for our genitals even if they are quite good at their jobs – the loss of her penis (if she decides for it, will probably be answered in another little segment) does not really pain or sadden me, we could explore toys and so many new ways to connect physically and emotionally.

This whole ordeal makes it hard for me to understand how someone can go from loving a person to when said person transitions/tells the lover about their trans* that they suddenly go completely cold and can’t be with the person. I understand the logic, but at the same time I do not. It is quite painful to see that so many other people do not have the luxury of a partner that will love them for who they truely are. You can’t blame either one either, even though you want to. It is their personal choice and is in most cases based on their sexual attraction.

We will continue our engagement, but lay off the wedding until Michelle feels and sees that her transition is well enough. We both know that the hormone therapy will be a very tricky and awkward part, it is a second puberty for Michelle literally. But that gives me time to achieve my goals for our mutual wedding image. I just want to support her through it all without rushing into something she does not want to do – and I know for sure that she does want to look attractive on our wedding day. She wants to simply look pass-able as a woman, and a decent looking woman at that. Based on her genes she will be a very pretty girl, which would not matter to me, but it does matter to her so I respect that. The wedding will come, in time.

So to conclude the segment: we are staying together, we love each other dearly and I would not give up our bond for anything.


Thank you for reading, in a short while the next part will be posted (mostly when I have the time to type it all down. As said, it is a lot).

Birthday celebrations

Well, sorry about yesterday I guess. I did not sleep for a whole night and I guess it amplified all the negative feelings I was carrying around, which resulted in a really big pity party post. Sorry, but not sorry, it is a personal blog after all!

Going to a friend today with Michelle, to celebrate his early birthday (he celebrates it officially tomorrow, but we are coming early). So gotta shower soon, help Michelle with her make up and then head out to the bus. Scary right? It is for Michelle, a little bit at least. But sometime you gotta go “full time” according to the transition therapy, sure she is not in the therapy now, but we can help the therapy a long way by already going full time. Michi’s mom will be bringing us home in the evening, buses stop going around six on the weekend, and staying only three hours on a Dutch birthday, nah, that is not appropiate. So she is going to pick us up and take us home afterwards.

So anyway, got to go and prepare ourselves, we still have some time to just chill around, but better be already done than rushing the procedures with showering, hair styling and make up!