I fucked up

I hurt someone dear to me and I do not know if I deserve the second chance he wants to give me… I think I also lost the respect of a friend, might have even lost the friendship.

I win at life. I win at being a shitty person. I win at hurting people. The more self insight I discover about myself, the more I dislike myself.

I did some drastic changes… to combat my shitty personality and try and make amends.

Advertisements

I am a burden

I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…

Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.

I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.

I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…

So triggered right now…

Ahh, haven’t been triggered in a long time, so here I am again! Triggering away.

Well, this time it is a very legit reason to why my fuse was blown. Michelle’s guild in WoW… not the most LGBTQ+ friendly guild there is. I can take that. I can ignore it, I can. I really… really can – although with a lot of struggles but I can if I just put my mind to it. Unless it is turned towards Michelle. It just… makes me see red.

Usually a good friend of mine is a good stop button, I do not take it further and I do not contact the people I hear/read/know is being ignorant/bigotted. Because I know Michelle has talked with them personally about it, but they just do not seem to care.

This time it is them misgendering her and still calling her an old name she really wants to get removed from herself. I know people feel that respect should be earned, but I think it is a basic human right to receive the tiniest amount of respect someone can muster up, at the very least be respected enough to be called their preferred pronouns and names.

The reason I am not contacting the people are mostly because I do not want people to have hostile feelings against Michelle because of me. I really do not want to cause more problems for Michelle than necessary, but this is just something that hits every single trigger in me. It is so darn disrespectful and utterly ignorant.

facebook

It is NOT hard.
It is harder for the person being misgendered and disrespected than it is for YOU to adjust one single word. It is NOT up for debate.

I’m coming straight on for yooouuuu~

We watched a movie a while ago, called “Strange Magic”. Really enjoyed it, love musicals and animated flicks, so when you mix them up… you hit my spot. The voices, the voice acting and the characters were absolutely stunning, the artwork and backgrounds superb and I lived it… I LIVED IT! Well, not really, but it made me very hyper and I can’t stop listening to the songs:

The expressions of the characters in this movie is just amazingly well done!


I had my appointment with the psychologist that came over here today. It was both meh and good. Not leaning towards either, pretty steady in the middle I would say. We are going to contact that institution again that handles anxiety disorders and have way more experience with it than a normal psychologist. Plus they are all psychiatrists, so they are allowed to prescribe medication. Literally everything I have done to help myself or stop the anxieties I have, have done nothing. So if it would help to receive medication I am all in for it to be honest.

We talked for two hours or so, she scribbled down some stuff in her book and then left. I notified her about my currently apathetic state and that I do feel short bursts of anxiety instead of waking up and feeling it instantly. Because that is how bad it became, I woke up from a nice night of sleep and felt anxiety as soon as I gained consciousness. Which I do not understand why I did, I have no reason to and my anxieties have no reason to become worse either… I just hope that when I get out of this depression that it won’t come back as severe as it was.

I really do not want to cause more trouble for Michelle, the government or for myself. There is that looming sad threat about that they might re-review my case file and decide to pop me out of the country. But it is my home! So I rather not create more disturbance…


I am slowly tackling Dutch again, I have a newbie friend with me this time. He is British and wants to learn a second language and decided for Dutch. So hopefully we can help each other. We are having the darndest fun typing and saying random sentences to each other. It is easier when you have someone with the same experience and progress as you, it has always been a minor annoyance for me when I can not speak properly like I hear it so workign with a fullfledged Dutchling is not optimal for me. It is fun, yes, but it frustrates me that I do not progress quick and I have it the most with pronounciation… so hearing flawless pronounciation is not helping!

We are going into Amsterdam tomorrow, twice this month actually!

Hello.

I am back, I have no idea why I stopped writing, or well I do. I guess this is what this blogpost will be about… and some new images of how we moved around furniture in our house. Can’t end it on a bad note! Or a sad note.

Well, for a couple of months now I have been not feeling quite… tiptop. It feels more or less like a depression, but the symptoms are completely different. I can feel it undermining every thought I have but it does not take over, like usual. I laugh, I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel anger but… not lasting. Because at the end the state of my mind is unstable enough to be apathetic. But not a full-time apathy, which confuses me. Is this a depression or is this something else? I have heavy experience with depressions and it feels like one, but it does not appear like one.

It is weird, but at the same time pretty nice. It dulls my anxiety, and I thank it for that. My anxiety was getting worse to the point where I felt it everyday and for small mundane tasks such as getting people over, talking to people over the internet… my biggest new anxiety that surfaced was to appear vulnerable infront of people. I guess it took such a toll on my body that it ended with it shutting down, to this state. I don’t like it but at the same time I do. Michelle joked about that this might be the rest of my life, free from anxiety. But I do not want this thing eating at me whenever I do not occupy myself with something different all the time…

Meh, either way I will be very honest to the person coming to “help” (still very skeptical about her ability to do so, but it is an alternative to nothing. I ended up not going to the people that specialize in anxiety disorders and they said they would call to make a new appointment, but that was years ago) me on the first September, and tell her that this is how it is now and what is she going to do to try and help me.


On another note, we remodelled the house a bit. We moved the bed downstairs, the bookcases out to the dining corner and moved the table to a different wall. It all looks so fancy and nice now!

Can’t sleep…

Went to bed late like usual with Michelle, around 3.00, woke up again and tossed until now (5.05) and then I decided to go up. I am completely and fully awake i.e I do not feel a single shred of fatigue in my body, only in my eyes – but not the sort of tiredness you need to sleep. Is this nicotine craving induced or just a one-time thing? I really hope for the latter.

I feel horrible for actually waking up Michelle putting on clothes, I tried to do it very silently but she has a sensitive sleepsense for that apparently. Or the light from the moon in our roofwindow gets shadowed by me multiple times in a row and that messes with the eyelid sensitivity? Either way I still feel guilty for telling her to fall asleep again, knowing it is a 50/50 chance for her to be able to do so…


Time to showcase my new mage in World of Warcraft – the best time of the day to do so too! Haha, don’t want this post to only be complaining. I do have a smexy mage! I have fun again in WoW and I am looking forward to Legion. Probably because I am playing with people I enjoy playing with now and there are little to none obligations and responsibilities. This blog has seen its fair share of me complaining about officer-life…

Apparently I also have a thing for making my characters look like different classes compared to what class they are. My druid looks like a rogue, my mage looks like a priest and my priest looks like a warlock. I have no idea why!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I know it’s early but… good morning!