Well, hello.

I am back, after a turmoiled filled month away from the blog, I am again back at it. I am in a much better place now than I was before. Events have gone past with a lot of hello’s, goodbye’s and neutral standpoints. Oh, what’s that? Pointform?! Yes.

  • Me and Michelle are still living together, preparing to move back to Sweden during summer. She will probably travel with me, then go on a vacation to meet some friends in Sweden. Will probably be pretty fun, just need to invest in an ID – got a lot of information of it, just need to book a time at the Swedish embassy.
  • Life is a bit easier now, at least regarding living together. Much less annoyance and passive aggressivity. There are sometimes where feelings flare up again, but it is very fleeting and not meant to be acted upon. Don’t really see a reason why to initiate anything, the only reason they flare up is because you stay close to each other and you have a history together. So you just have to take it with a pinch of salt.
  • I got a bed now, that is a big plus.
  • Me and Frederik is not really happening, it was a couple of horrible weeks where I woke up all the time crying and missing him intensely. We just did not seem to want to go in the same direction, I showed in major ways how serious I was about it and meh. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes it doesn’t. And this was obviously one of the latter situations.
  • But now it is a bit better, I don’t really “allow” myself to think of him, I surround myself with fun things instead. A lot of laughter and movement helps!
  • My sister is pregnant and getting married this summer! That’s amazing. I am going to be an aunt – again!
  • I got dropped from the therapyinstitution, but I think it is for the better. Instead of me taking up the time from someone else that they can help much more. I just am done with trying to find ways of “fixing” it. I firmly believe everyone lives with anxieties/depression, just that they live with it instead of focusing only on it.
  • So that is what I have started doing, living with it. I go outside, I exercise, I go to the store, I push my own boundaries more. Can’t be bothered trying to find a “miracle”-cure.

Well, that is about it. Pointform has been made. Might start updating more often, need to change my domain name too, ridiculous name is ridiculous.

80 different moods throughout the day

This is so damn hard and it really sucks. I have so many moods throughout the whole day and it exhausts me. My medication is not working whatsoever. It is literally the same as before I started it, only that I am tired everyday. I wake up full of anxiety, I barely sleep and if I manage to catch a few hours I can barely manage to wake up. My generic mood throughout the day is apathetic and depressive… and it annoys me. I try to be as fun and cheery as I can be, so I don’t bother anyone. But it gets a bit too much when I am sitting talking and giggling about random shit on Discord while my heart is beating so hard I get chestpains and my brain keeps on imagining many, most very, negative scenarios where shit derails. Which makes me panic and it increases my heartrate further.

I have no idea how to battle this. I don’t know who to talk to other than my therapist, but I can barely manage to talk to her over the phone. She called earlier today to make a new appointment, very intriguing conversation where I mostly sat silent and let her speak. I did manage to squeak out that everything is worse and that I do not think the medication works… so she gave me a new doctor’s appointment and a new EMDR appointment. She asked vaguely if I knew if I would manage to come. But it all depends if I am able to get someone to come with me. Ergh… asking more people to accomodate to me. I know my anxiety and my shitty shit can be annoying to people, I don’t want to be annoying. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t even speak with friends about this, I don’t feel like I can. I barely touch the subject with Frederik, because it scares me. I don’t want to make him get tired of me. I know we have had a pretty bumpy road going on, with Bs and stuff, but I really do not want to lose my most important person… at the same time I feel like I can’t talk to my most important person. It fucking eats me.

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I have realised recently that I have literally no friends down here in the Netherlands, what have I been doing for these five-six years I have lived here? I have had friendly neighbours, but we barely speak nowadays. Probably a bit of my fault for not trying to stay more in contact. I have no one to really rely on, I can’t always expect Michelle to take me places… she has already accomodated so much for me and it is not like we are in a relationship where I can expect her to always help me. I have help-people for this, but they can’t do the days I have to go to the therapist… sadly.

I feel utterly lost in myself.

I got to move~

This is literally my mood for today. I feel invincible, no anxieties, no brainghosts, nothing out of the norm. I will probably take a walk today too, pretty hyped that I am able to. Probably time to try to start travelling around in the Netherlands, to prepare for the trip back to Sweden.

Been having a positive outlook on things, at least trying to. It seems to be working somewhat and that brings more positivity.

Decent day~

Had a decent day, no mindghosts being all up in my space telling me I will never amount to anything etc. Felt pretty nice to have a day off from that. When you are able to catch the breaks you should embrace them, so I did. I ate an apple for breakfast and enjoyed a nice vanilla and caramel cup of tea. Was really nice, recommended.

I also took a walk on my own today, without suppressors again. I walked in a pretty quick space and a lot, I covered a whole lot of ground. I had the anxiety under the surface reminding me it was still there, a few times I was close to breaking I have to admit. But I didn’t and it felt really good to move around. Then I ate a hummus sandwich for dinner, with thin sliced cucumber and tomato on it.


I phoned my dad a while ago, we talked over Skype and I was telling him about the plans about moving back. I will crash in his kitchen in the beginning, while I am looking for help with the debts in Sweden, a job and a place to live. Brought up dividing some stuff with Michelle, most of our furniture are gifted to us from family but the things we bought together probably has to be divided inbetween us. Will have to bring that up another time and have a sit-down for it.

After the call with my father it overwhelmed me that I am venturing away from the life I built here into uncertainty and unsafety. It made me cry for a couple of minutes, I was just letting my eyes sweep over the room and take it all in. That I had to leave it all. It is just overwhelming, a big step.

Good evening

Well, figured I could do the next post about now. Might be a mix of both happy and depressive. But that is me, a mix between “omfg this gigglemaniac” and “omfg this depressed cunt”.

Well, I am actively receiving help now/again. Going through EMDR, normal therapy and medication to gain anxiety relief. I also have a help-person that comes over to my place, to help me do things, like go outside, cleaning etc. Low motivation make that happen. I really want to go outside sometimes, but the crippling anxiety (I made myself chuckle) hinders me. But I am working on it and I think I am making some kind of progress. Even though they may seem tiny. So I have this going on for me, which is better than nothing.

While I am working on moving back to Sweden. Michelle and I broke up on Christmas Eve, which means that we are living as room-mates until I have the ability to travel back, with Keiko, to Sweden. I have decided to go by train, easier with a catbox. Every break-up is messy, but I think we made a mature decision and we ended it on neutral terms. Just a bit awkward/hard to go back to just being friends, almost lost the ability to do so.

I want to type more emotional content, but I don’t know. Don’t really know how to put it in words. I guess. As said, I don’t know.

Welcome back Nela~

I am back, after months(?) of not writing down anything I am here to restart the blog. Somewhat at least. This is just a status update more or less. I am still alive, I have not decided to hide out in a bunker and I have not touched the bleach.

Just a lot of stuff going on, as in a lot of garbage, and most of it contains me, as garbage. Either way, I am back – for indefinite time.

Everything is a bit tilted, or well, upside down. I will try and reel it back to normal.