Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!
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Amsterdam & new manga!

We have been ordering clothes, make up and manga all around this month. Received a whole lot of money and still incoming more. 300~ from my zorgtoeslag (“care allowance” from the money I pay to my insurance, it is kinda like getting huurtoeslag – “rent allowance”, toeslag*) and incoming vacation money this future week.

*toeslag – to put it simple, you get a percentage back for rent and insurance that you pay. Our rent here is 380 euros and we get back 180 euros per month for our huurtoeslag.

So we ordered a lot of nice clothes for Michelle – both that she can wear right now and some she can wear after a couple of years on HRT. We also bought a new fabulous mascara which is absolutely amazing, the company is sadly not vegan but it is cruelty free (Charlotte Tilbury false eyelashes). We bought some eye shadows too, can’t remember from where now.

Obviously I jumped the gun and bought a bulk of manga, I am not even done! I have four volumes of a completed manga to buy when our vacation money hits too. I bought four volumes of Suki-tte Ii Na Yo – also known as Say I Love You in English (it is hella weird to look up manga and anime by their English names, at least for me) – and four volumes of Citrus. Citrus were ordered first but the first and second volume was out of stock so they have to backorder it, baaah, it is taking a lot of time. But I already got my other, and the next manga collection I am going for is The Earl and The Fairy.


We went to Amsterdam today, for an intake at the gender dysphoria clinic. We were not in the middle of Amsterdam – a bit sad – but the hospital there was huge and bustling with both life and colour. Very vibrant!

The wait time after this now is so long, she also has another appointment at another gender dysphoria clinic (which I mentioned in another post) and we have decided that if she does not hear antyhing from the clinic in Amsterdam before July she will go also go on an appointment at the other clinic, they might be faster at getting it done. She is tired of waiting, she has waited her whole life for it already. I can understand her frustration, you want it now obviously and not later when you aren’t as pass-able.

We saw a lot of genuinely interesting people at the clinic waiting room, i know there is a lot of discussion about FTM not being so outwards and talkative about it, but we saw more FTM than MTF there – at least at the time we were there.