I know there have been a lot of questions (and thoughts) and I made a FAQ before about Michelle, transgender, our relationship and everything around it. But I will go in a bit deeper today, and explore all the things I can think of that people might wonder, and hope this blogposts answers the thoughts, that I at least can come up with. Might be some other things people want answered, obviously it is completely fine to ask and hopefully get it answered. There might only be two “questions” or so answered, because all of the questions I have gotten and I can think of are huge subjects, do not want to drag on the reading part.
Well, first I think we should dwell into the whole “when did she know she was transgender” question. I, as a CIS female, do not know the struggle of trans*, when it begins or when someone realizes such. But I have talked a lot about it with Michelle, her mother/family in general and a lot of friends we both have in common. Based on that I would say an early age, already very feminime as a child but her mother did not explore the trans* matter, in that time there was no such thing as awareness for it and no one could really instantly think about it, like nowadays where parents can immediately recognize if their child is unhappy and based on a throughout research and therapy it might get solved before puberty. Michelle did not have that luxury, like so many others.
She always knew she was a bit on the not-normal-side but did not know how to express it. I met her during her first hormone-attempt (best I can call it, she quit it when she moved to Sweden, it was like an escape for her) and I started growing feelings towards this person, even with all her struggles, and imagined a lot of what could be. Sadly, at this point she did not harbor any kind of interest for me, but that is a whole different story.
Already at tween-years I think she knew, most of her girlfriends after that point fucked her over quite hard. She had abandonment issues, severe dysphoria – like most cases of trans* – and ended up staying inside everyday playing WoW (it is a great escape from reality) and was thinking about suicide. She was able to be put on hormones and that is when I started to get to know her.
So to keep to the answer… very early I think she knew, but after puberty she went into to transitioning – and stopped and now transitioning again.
The second part of the Q&A I guess will try and respond to the whole “but your relationship?”. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and trust, we both want to continue it, whatever gender we both may be does not matter to us. We both consider ourselves pansexuals, we do not love each other for our genitals even if they are quite good at their jobs – the loss of her penis (if she decides for it, will probably be answered in another little segment) does not really pain or sadden me, we could explore toys and so many new ways to connect physically and emotionally.
This whole ordeal makes it hard for me to understand how someone can go from loving a person to when said person transitions/tells the lover about their trans* that they suddenly go completely cold and can’t be with the person. I understand the logic, but at the same time I do not. It is quite painful to see that so many other people do not have the luxury of a partner that will love them for who they truely are. You can’t blame either one either, even though you want to. It is their personal choice and is in most cases based on their sexual attraction.
We will continue our engagement, but lay off the wedding until Michelle feels and sees that her transition is well enough. We both know that the hormone therapy will be a very tricky and awkward part, it is a second puberty for Michelle literally. But that gives me time to achieve my goals for our mutual wedding image. I just want to support her through it all without rushing into something she does not want to do – and I know for sure that she does want to look attractive on our wedding day. She wants to simply look pass-able as a woman, and a decent looking woman at that. Based on her genes she will be a very pretty girl, which would not matter to me, but it does matter to her so I respect that. The wedding will come, in time.
So to conclude the segment: we are staying together, we love each other dearly and I would not give up our bond for anything.
Thank you for reading, in a short while the next part will be posted (mostly when I have the time to type it all down. As said, it is a lot).