Long time, no see!

I have been very negligent with the blog, I know. Well, it is mostly for me to write things off my chest/mind. A diary for me, and I am happy I have people to share my life with it. But sometimes I just do not have anything positive or fun to write about, so I skip it completely. Might change, might not.


Either way, I have gone away from my red hair, what?! I know! It is shocking. Yes, you did, indeed, read that correctly. I am trying to achieve a brown/gray ombre. Have only gotten to the part where I have ash blonde ombre with dark brown hair at roots. But getting there, will get there even. I like it, I kind of look my age now, difference in hair colour does so much.

I also enhanced the photos a bit, to show off the colour difference, because my camera does not want to pick up subtle changes… seeing I dyed my hair red for six or more years it is really hard to get gray in the first colouring. So we went for ash blonde and I was really unhappy about it in the beginning because it felt like it didn’t really show. But now I kind of like it, it is subtle with gray-ash blonde and with pastel orange hinting through.

I also improved my eyebrow game, quite decently I would say. Learned some new things to not make them so harsh and bold. I like bold eyebrows, but I am now fading my inner parts and it works wonders.

I quit nicotine completely, a big step for me! I started working out, just now I did a 30 min run in and out of Makkum, 2.5 km with 1 km running completely with willpower and strength.

Michelle is gone for two weeks, been gone now for seven days, to visit her new girlfriend or whatever you want to call their relationship. Seems shaky and she seems to not be satisfied with the current state. Not my problem to be honest, I do care for her but I need to care for myself too. Can’t go back to just not be an individual anymore.

Well, moving to Sweden is finally final, I am leaving the Netherlands the 21st July and will be living in Gothenburg! With a really old friend of mine, he will be housing me for a couple of months until I have gotten everything sorted out. I am so grateful towards him for it and I am looking forward to it. Gothenbuuuuuurg!

Post-It notes, Revelations Online & a tiny Update

Michelle found this nifty little “plug-in” for the computer, it has been so handy with my forgetfulness. Stick-it notes but on your screen, even if I would write it down in a calendar or on a paper I would forget about it sadly. Future plans:

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Started playing Revelations Online with Frederik, might be some more in the guild that are interested. Would be fun to play all of us. I really enjoy it, but I still have the gaming curse. I get bored so easily, so do not want to end up overplaying it and get bored of it.


My mood is still being shit, had to ask Renny to leave early today, around 15min. But she was fine with it, very understanding. She just wants to see and check up on me mostly. I am glad that she seems to work with more basketcases like me, that can’t deal with real life. I don’t get how it isn’t tiring. Going to try and change medication or something.

I really hope I am able to sleep tonight. My body is getting used to not sleeping much… I go to bed at reasonable times, I end up just sitting staring into the wall or laying down staring into the ceiling and that is usually when the anxiety grips me. Which makes it impossible for me to relax and sleep. I keep on being overwhelmed by this sense of dread. That I can’t explain. I really dislike not being able to explain it properly. Then when I finally pass out – because even though I can’t sleep, I am deadtired throughout the whole day – I sleep very restless and very little, and my body is getting used to it… I do not know how to combat this.

Today I have felt like not having any kind of social contact, which is one of the reasons I did not want to meet up with Renny. The anxiety and self loathing is right at the surface and it feels like I will say something wrong or untimed and it will crack my all so “cheery” facade.

Oh, on another much lighter note: 

I got to move~

This is literally my mood for today. I feel invincible, no anxieties, no brainghosts, nothing out of the norm. I will probably take a walk today too, pretty hyped that I am able to. Probably time to try to start travelling around in the Netherlands, to prepare for the trip back to Sweden.

Been having a positive outlook on things, at least trying to. It seems to be working somewhat and that brings more positivity.