Decent day~

Had a decent day, no mindghosts being all up in my space telling me I will never amount to anything etc. Felt pretty nice to have a day off from that. When you are able to catch the breaks you should embrace them, so I did. I ate an apple for breakfast and enjoyed a nice vanilla and caramel cup of tea. Was really nice, recommended.

I also took a walk on my own today, without suppressors again. I walked in a pretty quick space and a lot, I covered a whole lot of ground. I had the anxiety under the surface reminding me it was still there, a few times I was close to breaking I have to admit. But I didn’t and it felt really good to move around. Then I ate a hummus sandwich for dinner, with thin sliced cucumber and tomato on it.


I phoned my dad a while ago, we talked over Skype and I was telling him about the plans about moving back. I will crash in his kitchen in the beginning, while I am looking for help with the debts in Sweden, a job and a place to live. Brought up dividing some stuff with Michelle, most of our furniture are gifted to us from family but the things we bought together probably has to be divided inbetween us. Will have to bring that up another time and have a sit-down for it.

After the call with my father it overwhelmed me that I am venturing away from the life I built here into uncertainty and unsafety. It made me cry for a couple of minutes, I was just letting my eyes sweep over the room and take it all in. That I had to leave it all. It is just overwhelming, a big step.

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Celebrated mem’s birthday!

No, not my own mom, but my other own mom! As in Michelle’s mother. She is like a second mother to me, so I figured I could call her secretly mem (fries for mother). I told her that I loved her as a second mother today, she got really happy and I got all fuzzy and warm inside, felt nice to express it. She has done so much for both of us and she is like a rock in a very wavy ocean for me sometimes.

We celebrated it at their place, with her mother, father and sister there. Michelle came dressed as herself and it was a surprise for the others. They handled it well, a lot of staring went on though but I do not think it was malicious. Probably just surprised, Michie’s grandmother kept going on about how beautiful she was. Makes me happy to hear!

They left after three-four hours of just socializing, eating snacks and drinking wine. When I three-kissed the grandma goodbye I got a heavy longing for my own grandmother, I guess she just has that aura. We enjoyed two more hours just talking about a lot of things with Michie’s mother and Frans.

It wasn’t a lot of vegan options in the beginning and I did not want to be an inconvenience and say anything, I felt it was very impolite but Michelle did anyway and they brought out cherry tomatoes and some nuts for me, yay! That and some very spicy olives, for once I actually enjoyed eating olives, might be time to try normal ones again? Your tastebuds do change.

We talked a lot about pansexuality, trans*, Michelle – everything about her, including transitioning etc, families, opinions from others, insecurities, sexualities overall… a lot of subjects bounced around.

Doggies were fun obviously, very cute and cozy to pat and hug. Intensely cute!

My family is coming down again this summer, in two-three weeks, grandma is coming down too – yay!

A small Q&A #2…

Ohai there again, there will be two big segments like last time. Let’s dive in! For newer readers this is a serie of blogposts where I will answer questions, thoughts and just random pondering (from outside, me, Michelle, generic sources) about Michelle, trans*, our relationship and so on. It is based on what I have gotten asked to myself, what have been asked to Michelle and general ideas and thoughts I have come up with. Here is the earlier segment: A small Q&A #1…A small Q&A #1…. Oh, where to start? We covered a tiny chunk last time.


“Have you or Michelle lost contact with friends/family after she came out officially?” Yes. I have lost a couple and Michelle too, but our families are standing at our side, thankfully. I lost a few with just them being very rude about it and asking very poor formulated questions which I took offense too, I tried to be very polite about it but their attitudes did not change and it was a mutual agreement to remove each other from each others’ lives. Some just sneaky cut me off from FB after her big announcement, if I can’t remember who I probably wasn’t that close friends with them either (I have like 60~ friends currently – mostly family and friends from Sweden – and it dropped from 68~).

I think Michelle lost a lot of people, but they also were very rude about her coming out as trans* and asking people to use her new name and female pronouns – this is literally a simple act of respect, if you can’t even do this… anyway, the losses were few but we got such great support from the people that remained that it doesn’t even matter. You should not surround yourself with negativity generally.


“Lesbians now?” I guess now we could classify us as lesbians, but that restricts the personal knowledge we have. I do not get only attracted to females and neither does Michelle. First of all, we do not even get attracted to the genitalia, sex is just sex, but when you mix personality, individualism, an unspeakable bond with sex you get such a meaningful experience. You value the person based on them, not based on their junk.

It is such a freeing experience and way of life, when you stop thinking in only male-female perspectives, you think in a bigger and more person-based perspective instead. It has helped me value people more and value my relationship with Michelle much, much more. You also realize that the stereotypes each gender has been given are so unfair and not at all realistic – but I think this part ties in with almost every ideal you might have that promotes open minds and progressive thinking, not only being a pansexual.

Sexual acts do not only have to be about rubbing or penetrating, sex can be so much more sensual and the sensual sexlife we already have might get even more heightened in the future, which I am looking hella’ forward to. Wink~

Either way, as far as labels go, we are pannies by heart. No gender construct tying our feelings down. I know I have brought this up multiple times, but you do not understand how much I stress this to people and they still ask me if I enjoy munching the rug now and if all the boycraze in earlier years disappeared to (yeah… I do not remember it like that, I remember being confused and trying to hook up with guys just to prove that I am not abnormal, yet another post right there I think).


Look forward to the next part~!

Social Exhaustion…

Been out all day almost to eat dinner and celebrate my belate birthday with Mich’s mother and her husband, and their two doggies. We went away around 15.30 and came home around 20.30, and now we are playing Diablo 3 together with Faye, Ashe and Crool. Sadly you can only be four in a group.

Did make up for Michelle today, it might have been because my hands were sweaty or the room was very warm/humid so the foundation powdered up a bit, but blending it a bit more helped. I naaaaailed that fucking eye liner though, looks good on both eyes. I get better and better at make up, which makes me able to use more techniques on Michelle which makes her in turn happy which makes me happy!

I am so tired after interacting with so many people today, so I am just a bit silent and just listening to people talking, it is quite soothing.

We drank wine, both white and red, very good quality and taste. We ate also a vegetarian dish, with a lot of vegetables!

Mich was very cute today, her jeans were right on point, couldn’t stop touching or sneaking glances at her little behind.

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Juice, cigarettes and a non-bleeding vagina.

Sometimes I just get really tired and annoyed by my body, my private parts especially. Like make up your mind, are you gonna bleed or not? It is such a fucking drag to have this going on. Either I have one period per year with excruciating pain or I have two. Or three one day periods WITH THE SAME PAIN ORDEAL. Or I just fucking orgasm and I cramp out some blood and then nothing. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!

Also yay, 2hours and 30min sleep, because my body decided “YOU GOTTA POOP NOW, NO TIME FOR TOILET”… almost had a situation in bed. So decided to stay up, my body still plays Russian roulette.

Making this post makes me realize how much this actually impacts me, I do not feel stress over it, but I do feel a sort of anxiety for it and a bit guilty that I am probably the one that can not carry on the genes of Mich and me. Even though I know I shouldn’t. I also feel fucking anxiety over that it is my health and that I have to talk open about it to doctors. I KNOW IT IS THEIR JOB DOESN’T MAKE IT LESS AWKWARD.

Also yes, this is a post that will be very intimate in a very quick way. I hope this does not disgust you from reading my blog ever again. I can understand if it does.

I have had issues with my period since I was 14 I think, I suffered a rape trauma so most gynecologists blamed it on mental trauma that it just stopped coming and when it came it came once or twice per year. I have it even now, 10 years later. Fucking amazing right? The doctor is certain that I am not fertile, with that seldom periods and I have been having unsafe sex with Michelle since… I met her. No bun in the oven. Nothing. Only pregnancy scares as in I believed my boobs got bigger, my tummy got harder, I had moodswings – apparently I am just prone to crying sometimes. I guess we all have that.

It is just fucking annoying and depressing to have this kind of malfunction. I went to the doctor a while ago to get a referral to the gynecologist in Sneek but haven’t gotten around to call in to make an appointment, but I should. To “solve” this vagina riddle once and for all. It is depressing to know that we would unlikely be able to be parents for a child of our genes, storing sperm and shooting it up is a thing and I would be for it, if I was fertile. Oh, right it isn’t set in stone yet, but it is highly unlikely that I am ever going to carry a baby. I am all for adoption, both me and Michelle would love the kid the same, because it would still be our child. But I know the process takes long and it is quite tedious with how it is handled by the adoption-centres.

I guess I should count myself lucky even with these derpy private parts, I could have had a three headed monster.

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