80 different moods throughout the day

This is so damn hard and it really sucks. I have so many moods throughout the whole day and it exhausts me. My medication is not working whatsoever. It is literally the same as before I started it, only that I am tired everyday. I wake up full of anxiety, I barely sleep and if I manage to catch a few hours I can barely manage to wake up. My generic mood throughout the day is apathetic and depressive… and it annoys me. I try to be as fun and cheery as I can be, so I don’t bother anyone. But it gets a bit too much when I am sitting talking and giggling about random shit on Discord while my heart is beating so hard I get chestpains and my brain keeps on imagining many, most very, negative scenarios where shit derails. Which makes me panic and it increases my heartrate further.

I have no idea how to battle this. I don’t know who to talk to other than my therapist, but I can barely manage to talk to her over the phone. She called earlier today to make a new appointment, very intriguing conversation where I mostly sat silent and let her speak. I did manage to squeak out that everything is worse and that I do not think the medication works… so she gave me a new doctor’s appointment and a new EMDR appointment. She asked vaguely if I knew if I would manage to come. But it all depends if I am able to get someone to come with me. Ergh… asking more people to accomodate to me. I know my anxiety and my shitty shit can be annoying to people, I don’t want to be annoying. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t even speak with friends about this, I don’t feel like I can. I barely touch the subject with Frederik, because it scares me. I don’t want to make him get tired of me. I know we have had a pretty bumpy road going on, with Bs and stuff, but I really do not want to lose my most important person… at the same time I feel like I can’t talk to my most important person. It fucking eats me.

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I have realised recently that I have literally no friends down here in the Netherlands, what have I been doing for these five-six years I have lived here? I have had friendly neighbours, but we barely speak nowadays. Probably a bit of my fault for not trying to stay more in contact. I have no one to really rely on, I can’t always expect Michelle to take me places… she has already accomodated so much for me and it is not like we are in a relationship where I can expect her to always help me. I have help-people for this, but they can’t do the days I have to go to the therapist… sadly.

I feel utterly lost in myself.

Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

A small Q&A #3…

Well, back to the segment! Let’s handle those hard and tough questions that everyone seems to care about… First part: A small Q&A #1… and second part: A small Q&A #2….


The genitalia what is gonna happen?” … oh how many times haven’t we gotten this as a first reaction? Why can’t people just be happy that Michelle is finally aiming for her own happiness and quality of life? No, it is all about the genitalia. Frankly, it is not anyones’ goddamn business what will be/is/was in anyones’ pants. But to be more precise, because this blog is more personal and detailed I feel an obligation to do so.

Michelle’s dysphoria is not against her own penis, it is her overall body, the sex she was born in and how she perceives herself. So she will not go through with the reassignment surgery, IF in the future that she feels that her penis is the last part that contributes to her depressive side, then she will go through with it and for my own part, I do not care that much. I did not fall in love with her penis, I did not get engaged with her penis. Sure there will be a big change, considering how it will be in our sex life, but we will try to find more ways to connect mentally, physically and emotionally. I am looking forward to it! If it now happens.

Her dysphoria goes even a bit deeper than just “I need to remove it”, she can not perceive the surgery as something that will give her happiness, she just wants to have been born as a CIS female. I do not know the struggle but I imagine plenty of trans* already goes through this too and can recognize it. The surgery can make people happy and it can also aid their negative thoughts…


Are you sure HE is not just gay?” Ok, because anyone volunteerily goes through this just so people can remark on their sexuality… well, we are quite sure SHE is gay, but would prefer to be labelled as a pansexual – genitalia does not matter, like it apparently does in your world – nothing wrong with that, but do not expect everyone to see it like you do, it is called common sense… and you refusing to use the pronouns Michelle feels comfortable with shows me that you are a very disrespectful person and I would probably not want you close to me or her.


Wow, you do fucking everything to get attention…“… What? Did you really trample all over Michelle and her bravery just because you think she does it for the attention? NO ONE would go through intense depression, suicidal thoughts and identity issues, confusion volunteerily, and then finally being able to be who they are and here you fucking come and step on them? Oh, if I wasn’t against violence… I would smack that bigotted head right off your neck, must be quite a burden to be that fucking retarded. Try to view the world in a more positive and less distrusting way and you might make progress as an individual.

I know this segment got a bit heated, sorry for losing my temper, but it is still stuff I do get angry over because it is such a sign of disrespect and bad character, you should cut people like this out of your life as soon as possible.


Well, there was one big and two smaller segments, I got furious typing them and now I need to calm down for a while. This might be the end of the Q&A – sorry and not sorry. There isn’t anything more to type about it and the general questions that people seem to give a shit about got answered now.

Sorry to you nice folks reading, I know you wish her well and us happiness, I wish it back, hugs and kisses! There will be more blogposts about me and Michelle in the future, less negativity more positivity!

Michie’s number one fear…

I can’t really speak for her, but discussing and talking a lot with her has revealed a couple of things. Even if I am as supportive and helpful as I can be during her transition, struggle and journey, there will always be that fear of abandonment. One of her old ex girlfriends did that to her and it is one of her biggest fears and even though she feels somewhat safe with me, it is still there.

Even during all our make up sessions, all our hair styling, all our clothes shopping… she has a fear of me up and leaving in the future, sooner or later. To just be like her old girlfriend and be very encouraging and helpful in the beginning, accepting her for who she is and then suddenly disappear, because it is a dealbreaker and she can not be with another “girl”.

I completely understand that everyone has their own sexuality and preference, but at the same time I don’t. I would hope you would at least love the person for who they are, not for what is between their legs! But that is just me, I know. I know that it is an unreasonable demand.

I do not know how to combat her fear, only with just staying with her, because I know myself I do love her and that will not change. But her unconscious can not know that, even if she keeps telling herself that this might be it… I just hope that with time I will prove that fear wrong.

I know she had terrible nightmares before about me just up and leaving her, I think they are gone now, but she will never… really know for sure that this is it. No one can really, neither can I. I just put my hope and faith into it, just some people put their faith in God and some others put their faith in destiny. I put my faith in myself and I hope to make my own so called destiny worthwhile, for me and for her. Michelle is my family, I do not want her to feel this insecurity and fear. I know that feelings can slowly dissipate sometimes, but in this case it feels like I fall more and more every day, we bond continuously and the bond goes stronger and stronger. I hope I will never be the cause of her despair…

I know a lot of trans* coming out individuals fear this moment the most, because there is always that vague insecurity and fear that even if people say they are alright with it and push forward, that suddenly they will realize that their feelings have cooled off and the relationship is not for them. I had my fair share of abandonment fears, you can never really get rid off them. Even with complete trust, your unconscious is always afraid that you are not enough, you are not acceptable as the person you are. I just hope that in the future, when we are old and gray haired, we can look back at this insecurity and laugh at it.

You are stronger than you think.

We all have been there, when everything feels absolutely awful and you know you are not alright. But before you give up and go down that dark path we all know and have experienced, there is a couple of questions that you can ask yourself to try and get up through it. We will go over them in this blogpost. I have been in an emotional and physical ditch for years, on and off depression and sometimes the depression might just last for a month and sometimes it goes several months until I can get up from it. But I found this and I will try them next time I am starting to feel like I want to be a part of the floor here at home.

Are you hydrated? If not, have a glass of water.
Have you eaten in the past three hours? If not, get some food – something with protein, not just simple carbs. Perhaps some nuts or hummus?
Have you showered in the past day? If not, take a shower right now.
Have you stretched your legs in the past day? If not, do so right now. If you don’t have the energy for a run or trip to the gym, just walka round the block, then keep walking as long as you please. If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.
Have you said something nice to someone in the past day? Do so, whether online or in person. Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.
Have you moved your body to music in the past day? If not, jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite tempo, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.
Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days? If not, do so. Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets. Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you are not imposing on them.
Have you seen a therapist in the past few days? If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.
Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipping doses or a change in generic prescription brand? That may be screwing with your head. Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.
If daytime: are you dressed? If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pyjamas. Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it is a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.
If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep? Put on pajams, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes – no electronic screens allowed. If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.
Do you feel ineffective? Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher or packing your gym bag for your next trip. Good job!
Do you feel unattractive? Take a goddamn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look and you’ll help society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.
Do you feel paralyzed of indecision? Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now and pick something else that seems doable. Right now the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.
Have you over-exerted yourself lately – physically, emotionally, socially or intellectually? That can be a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone or relaxing with some silly entertainment.
Have you waited a week? Sometimes our perception of life is skewed and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there is no ovious external caus. It happens, can not stress this enough. Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.

You’ve made it this far and you will make it through. You are stronger than you think.

Written text from the image here, quality is pretty bad so it hurts your eyes if you try and read it (at least for me).

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Instead of … think about …!

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Vegan Sidekick, on Facebook, always knows where the shelves are at!

I am loading up on vegan recipes me and Michelle have made to make a nommy blogpost in like three-four days, will also add the recipes if you want to recreate them. Most of them contain steamed vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli and carrot) because I like eating them so much!

Still working on a lot of drawing inspiration, in a small setback at the moment. I don’t feel like doing anything.

I have a hard time falling asleep, spending almost hours rolling around trying to force myself to fall into slumber, while in the mornings I have an even harder time waking up, it takes so long for me to be able to open my eyes. I do not feel rested and I do not feel that the sleep was particularly any good, which sucks. It manifests itself inside of me as a sort of boredom, where everything bores me and I just want to sit and do nothing, or just lay in bed and forget that there is daylight.

I hope I can get out of this before it creates a big chain reaction for me, I do not feel depressed or anything, it just manifests itself just like a depression. I want to solve my sleeping issues but at the same time I do not want to go to the doctor. I have already been there for other things and I also have contact with the government here in The Netherlands about professional help for my anxiety disorder/s. I just do not want to add another issue ontop of it, I hope it will disappear by itself.