80 different moods throughout the day

This is so damn hard and it really sucks. I have so many moods throughout the whole day and it exhausts me. My medication is not working whatsoever. It is literally the same as before I started it, only that I am tired everyday. I wake up full of anxiety, I barely sleep and if I manage to catch a few hours I can barely manage to wake up. My generic mood throughout the day is apathetic and depressive… and it annoys me. I try to be as fun and cheery as I can be, so I don’t bother anyone. But it gets a bit too much when I am sitting talking and giggling about random shit on Discord while my heart is beating so hard I get chestpains and my brain keeps on imagining many, most very, negative scenarios where shit derails. Which makes me panic and it increases my heartrate further.

I have no idea how to battle this. I don’t know who to talk to other than my therapist, but I can barely manage to talk to her over the phone. She called earlier today to make a new appointment, very intriguing conversation where I mostly sat silent and let her speak. I did manage to squeak out that everything is worse and that I do not think the medication works… so she gave me a new doctor’s appointment and a new EMDR appointment. She asked vaguely if I knew if I would manage to come. But it all depends if I am able to get someone to come with me. Ergh… asking more people to accomodate to me. I know my anxiety and my shitty shit can be annoying to people, I don’t want to be annoying. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t even speak with friends about this, I don’t feel like I can. I barely touch the subject with Frederik, because it scares me. I don’t want to make him get tired of me. I know we have had a pretty bumpy road going on, with Bs and stuff, but I really do not want to lose my most important person… at the same time I feel like I can’t talk to my most important person. It fucking eats me.

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I have realised recently that I have literally no friends down here in the Netherlands, what have I been doing for these five-six years I have lived here? I have had friendly neighbours, but we barely speak nowadays. Probably a bit of my fault for not trying to stay more in contact. I have no one to really rely on, I can’t always expect Michelle to take me places… she has already accomodated so much for me and it is not like we are in a relationship where I can expect her to always help me. I have help-people for this, but they can’t do the days I have to go to the therapist… sadly.

I feel utterly lost in myself.

Self loathing…

A pile of self loathing for the win, am I right? I do not know if it is because of the very bad sleep I have had now for a month and a half, or not, but generally when I can’t sleep I start thinking very dark thoughts. About me, about the relationship between me and Michelle, our future, my situation with my family and friendships overall… I just can’t stop thinking when I am laying there, twisting around, deadtired but unable to sleep. So I keep on spiraling down, I try to maintain a good mood and attitude during the day, but I still feel sad and somewhat drained, emotionally and physically. I get angered a lot by random things, I do laugh when I am having fun, but it tires me out quickly, like really fast.

I start thinking about myself and how much I loathe myself and then I start thinking about why I dislike myself and if I can do something about it, then I get stuck. I keep on imagining stupid scenarios and in every single one of them I do not look like I do in reality. I hate it, I know how to fix it and what to do about it, but then another anxiety jumps in and hinders me from doing so. I can not better my own situation because anxieties refuse to let me. It sounds silly, but if you have something that controls you and your life, you understand.

I can’t even fix it either, in my own opinion I am a fat little fuck and I really need to lose weight, I eat healthy, I do not eat any fat foods and I do not eat stuff randomly just to fix my temptations (nowadays I do, because I am in one of those ditches where I do not give a fuck). I need to get a gyn-appointment, to see what is wrong with my private parts and to find out if I have PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – and if I have, it is really hard for me to lose weight, BAM, another demotivator.

I continue with the really bad thoughts with if I can’t like myself how can Michelle? Then I start thinking about the future and if she transitions well, well enough in her opinion (it is a shallow thing, but she really wants to pass properly as a female and I do not see anything wrong with it, it isn’t forever with her identifying as transgendered and we both know it) and will I be enough? In those years I might not even have been able to properly lose weight, to the point where I feel attractive and comfortable and I would not see how she would be able to get attracted to a lump of fat in that case. Because I wouldn’t. I would love the person behind all the fat, but I wouldn’t be able to get turned on by the idea of rubbing up against an obese person, that might be because I hate my body type to that degree, I do not see anything wrong in other people feeling comfortable but I do really not allow people to say that it is healthy to be that big, because it isn’t. I know myself I am not thaaaat big, but I am slowly getting there and I am NOT healthy, I am not fat shaming, I am just stating that your body is not supposed to be able to live like a fucking blob. Almost like our stomachs are not supposed to digest meat and our bodies can’t handle it, our bodies can’t handle obesity well either. If I was thinner maybe I would be a bit more lenient with my opinion on obesity, and probably be able to see other aspects of it, that obese people might actually be able to be genuinely happy with their bodies and feel healthy. But right now, I detest myself, I detest my obesity and I do not think it is healthy and should not be advocated as healthy.

What if because of my PCOS I can barely lose weight in a span of three years or six? I want to be able to wear clothes I would feel comfortable in or at least fit a wedding dress, I do not think I deserve Michelle as the blob I am nowadays, how will it be in the future? I do not know. I just do not know and it haunts me. It fucking haunts me.

I want to be a better me and I want to be comfortable being me. But all my anxieties and my own willpower fucks me over.

I want to be able to sleep normally, I want to be able to fall asleep, I want to be able to wake up, I want to be able to be the normal Nela. I want to be able to be the one who I want to be… I want to be the Nela Michelle sees and can be proud of. I want to be able to walk next to her without feeling like I do not belong.

I can’t even put on make up without feeling that it is a waste, no amount of paint will help me to feel “pretty”. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without going “is this really me….?”. I want to get a haircut without knowing I do not look good in it. I want to look stylish without looking like my fat is slowly eating my clothes…