Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

Double morales

Michelle thinks I am selfdestructing and ruining many friendships with the debates about veganism with them. I see why she thinks that way and why she wants to protect me from it. But most of the time, I genuinely hope that by discussing it at least there is a little seed that has sprouted. Unless the recipent is as dense as a wet towel. Which many people are.

Well, to protect myself and the few friendships I have left, I won’t go into the whole “love is not compatible with killing” arguements. Even though I find it genuinely retarded to believe you can love and care for someone and then just kill it because “I like the taste”.

Either way, if the subject would have been anything else than veganism… let’s say transphobia, homophobia or even feminism I would have been applauded by many and encouraged to continue my social justice warrior ways. But no, when it comes to a subject that lets others realize that they are not the only ones living on this planet and should care for the billions of animals that loses their lives based on a consumption that we humans do not need… yea, then I am the bad guy because I offend peoples’ foods.

I will just leave this here:

  • There are thousands of alternatives to meat, dairy and egg. You are just lazy to not research it. Oh, you don’t care because you like the taste? I am glad, the taste is spices, which you can literally recreate.
    • Oh, meat is easy to come by and vegan food is bland? What do you think vegans eat, grass? Just google vegan bbq, vegan dinner, vegan lunch etc, you will see millions of recipes that look better and are not restricted around a piece of carcass. When you remove the “my dish needs to be centered around a dead someone” factor you are open to a million of options.
  • All the nutrients found in meat have other sources. If your body can not take up pure supplements you’d be darned that it can not take up the filthy protein from animals, because surprise, surprise(!) protein is not the only thing you take up from a dead body, you also take up the bad toxins which your body rejects. But tell me more how you suddenly came over a PhD in nutrient values.
    • 90% of vegans have better nutrient values when they become vegan than when they were meat eaters.
  • You make it how you want to make it. You want to be an unhealthy fat vegan? Go for it, you have a ton of cakes, fat food etc. You want to be a body builder vegan? Go for it, you probably will get better results and feel better than the typical meat body builder. You want to be a normal vegan? Be that then.

I just need to find vegan friends.

A small Q&A #3…

Well, back to the segment! Let’s handle those hard and tough questions that everyone seems to care about… First part: A small Q&A #1… and second part: A small Q&A #2….


The genitalia what is gonna happen?” … oh how many times haven’t we gotten this as a first reaction? Why can’t people just be happy that Michelle is finally aiming for her own happiness and quality of life? No, it is all about the genitalia. Frankly, it is not anyones’ goddamn business what will be/is/was in anyones’ pants. But to be more precise, because this blog is more personal and detailed I feel an obligation to do so.

Michelle’s dysphoria is not against her own penis, it is her overall body, the sex she was born in and how she perceives herself. So she will not go through with the reassignment surgery, IF in the future that she feels that her penis is the last part that contributes to her depressive side, then she will go through with it and for my own part, I do not care that much. I did not fall in love with her penis, I did not get engaged with her penis. Sure there will be a big change, considering how it will be in our sex life, but we will try to find more ways to connect mentally, physically and emotionally. I am looking forward to it! If it now happens.

Her dysphoria goes even a bit deeper than just “I need to remove it”, she can not perceive the surgery as something that will give her happiness, she just wants to have been born as a CIS female. I do not know the struggle but I imagine plenty of trans* already goes through this too and can recognize it. The surgery can make people happy and it can also aid their negative thoughts…


Are you sure HE is not just gay?” Ok, because anyone volunteerily goes through this just so people can remark on their sexuality… well, we are quite sure SHE is gay, but would prefer to be labelled as a pansexual – genitalia does not matter, like it apparently does in your world – nothing wrong with that, but do not expect everyone to see it like you do, it is called common sense… and you refusing to use the pronouns Michelle feels comfortable with shows me that you are a very disrespectful person and I would probably not want you close to me or her.


Wow, you do fucking everything to get attention…“… What? Did you really trample all over Michelle and her bravery just because you think she does it for the attention? NO ONE would go through intense depression, suicidal thoughts and identity issues, confusion volunteerily, and then finally being able to be who they are and here you fucking come and step on them? Oh, if I wasn’t against violence… I would smack that bigotted head right off your neck, must be quite a burden to be that fucking retarded. Try to view the world in a more positive and less distrusting way and you might make progress as an individual.

I know this segment got a bit heated, sorry for losing my temper, but it is still stuff I do get angry over because it is such a sign of disrespect and bad character, you should cut people like this out of your life as soon as possible.


Well, there was one big and two smaller segments, I got furious typing them and now I need to calm down for a while. This might be the end of the Q&A – sorry and not sorry. There isn’t anything more to type about it and the general questions that people seem to give a shit about got answered now.

Sorry to you nice folks reading, I know you wish her well and us happiness, I wish it back, hugs and kisses! There will be more blogposts about me and Michelle in the future, less negativity more positivity!

Michie’s number one fear…

I can’t really speak for her, but discussing and talking a lot with her has revealed a couple of things. Even if I am as supportive and helpful as I can be during her transition, struggle and journey, there will always be that fear of abandonment. One of her old ex girlfriends did that to her and it is one of her biggest fears and even though she feels somewhat safe with me, it is still there.

Even during all our make up sessions, all our hair styling, all our clothes shopping… she has a fear of me up and leaving in the future, sooner or later. To just be like her old girlfriend and be very encouraging and helpful in the beginning, accepting her for who she is and then suddenly disappear, because it is a dealbreaker and she can not be with another “girl”.

I completely understand that everyone has their own sexuality and preference, but at the same time I don’t. I would hope you would at least love the person for who they are, not for what is between their legs! But that is just me, I know. I know that it is an unreasonable demand.

I do not know how to combat her fear, only with just staying with her, because I know myself I do love her and that will not change. But her unconscious can not know that, even if she keeps telling herself that this might be it… I just hope that with time I will prove that fear wrong.

I know she had terrible nightmares before about me just up and leaving her, I think they are gone now, but she will never… really know for sure that this is it. No one can really, neither can I. I just put my hope and faith into it, just some people put their faith in God and some others put their faith in destiny. I put my faith in myself and I hope to make my own so called destiny worthwhile, for me and for her. Michelle is my family, I do not want her to feel this insecurity and fear. I know that feelings can slowly dissipate sometimes, but in this case it feels like I fall more and more every day, we bond continuously and the bond goes stronger and stronger. I hope I will never be the cause of her despair…

I know a lot of trans* coming out individuals fear this moment the most, because there is always that vague insecurity and fear that even if people say they are alright with it and push forward, that suddenly they will realize that their feelings have cooled off and the relationship is not for them. I had my fair share of abandonment fears, you can never really get rid off them. Even with complete trust, your unconscious is always afraid that you are not enough, you are not acceptable as the person you are. I just hope that in the future, when we are old and gray haired, we can look back at this insecurity and laugh at it.

You are stronger than you think.

We all have been there, when everything feels absolutely awful and you know you are not alright. But before you give up and go down that dark path we all know and have experienced, there is a couple of questions that you can ask yourself to try and get up through it. We will go over them in this blogpost. I have been in an emotional and physical ditch for years, on and off depression and sometimes the depression might just last for a month and sometimes it goes several months until I can get up from it. But I found this and I will try them next time I am starting to feel like I want to be a part of the floor here at home.

Are you hydrated? If not, have a glass of water.
Have you eaten in the past three hours? If not, get some food – something with protein, not just simple carbs. Perhaps some nuts or hummus?
Have you showered in the past day? If not, take a shower right now.
Have you stretched your legs in the past day? If not, do so right now. If you don’t have the energy for a run or trip to the gym, just walka round the block, then keep walking as long as you please. If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.
Have you said something nice to someone in the past day? Do so, whether online or in person. Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.
Have you moved your body to music in the past day? If not, jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite tempo, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.
Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days? If not, do so. Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets. Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you are not imposing on them.
Have you seen a therapist in the past few days? If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.
Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipping doses or a change in generic prescription brand? That may be screwing with your head. Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.
If daytime: are you dressed? If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pyjamas. Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it is a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.
If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep? Put on pajams, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes – no electronic screens allowed. If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.
Do you feel ineffective? Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher or packing your gym bag for your next trip. Good job!
Do you feel unattractive? Take a goddamn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look and you’ll help society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.
Do you feel paralyzed of indecision? Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now and pick something else that seems doable. Right now the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.
Have you over-exerted yourself lately – physically, emotionally, socially or intellectually? That can be a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone or relaxing with some silly entertainment.
Have you waited a week? Sometimes our perception of life is skewed and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there is no ovious external caus. It happens, can not stress this enough. Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.

You’ve made it this far and you will make it through. You are stronger than you think.

Written text from the image here, quality is pretty bad so it hurts your eyes if you try and read it (at least for me).

fewfaw

Self loathing…

A pile of self loathing for the win, am I right? I do not know if it is because of the very bad sleep I have had now for a month and a half, or not, but generally when I can’t sleep I start thinking very dark thoughts. About me, about the relationship between me and Michelle, our future, my situation with my family and friendships overall… I just can’t stop thinking when I am laying there, twisting around, deadtired but unable to sleep. So I keep on spiraling down, I try to maintain a good mood and attitude during the day, but I still feel sad and somewhat drained, emotionally and physically. I get angered a lot by random things, I do laugh when I am having fun, but it tires me out quickly, like really fast.

I start thinking about myself and how much I loathe myself and then I start thinking about why I dislike myself and if I can do something about it, then I get stuck. I keep on imagining stupid scenarios and in every single one of them I do not look like I do in reality. I hate it, I know how to fix it and what to do about it, but then another anxiety jumps in and hinders me from doing so. I can not better my own situation because anxieties refuse to let me. It sounds silly, but if you have something that controls you and your life, you understand.

I can’t even fix it either, in my own opinion I am a fat little fuck and I really need to lose weight, I eat healthy, I do not eat any fat foods and I do not eat stuff randomly just to fix my temptations (nowadays I do, because I am in one of those ditches where I do not give a fuck). I need to get a gyn-appointment, to see what is wrong with my private parts and to find out if I have PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – and if I have, it is really hard for me to lose weight, BAM, another demotivator.

I continue with the really bad thoughts with if I can’t like myself how can Michelle? Then I start thinking about the future and if she transitions well, well enough in her opinion (it is a shallow thing, but she really wants to pass properly as a female and I do not see anything wrong with it, it isn’t forever with her identifying as transgendered and we both know it) and will I be enough? In those years I might not even have been able to properly lose weight, to the point where I feel attractive and comfortable and I would not see how she would be able to get attracted to a lump of fat in that case. Because I wouldn’t. I would love the person behind all the fat, but I wouldn’t be able to get turned on by the idea of rubbing up against an obese person, that might be because I hate my body type to that degree, I do not see anything wrong in other people feeling comfortable but I do really not allow people to say that it is healthy to be that big, because it isn’t. I know myself I am not thaaaat big, but I am slowly getting there and I am NOT healthy, I am not fat shaming, I am just stating that your body is not supposed to be able to live like a fucking blob. Almost like our stomachs are not supposed to digest meat and our bodies can’t handle it, our bodies can’t handle obesity well either. If I was thinner maybe I would be a bit more lenient with my opinion on obesity, and probably be able to see other aspects of it, that obese people might actually be able to be genuinely happy with their bodies and feel healthy. But right now, I detest myself, I detest my obesity and I do not think it is healthy and should not be advocated as healthy.

What if because of my PCOS I can barely lose weight in a span of three years or six? I want to be able to wear clothes I would feel comfortable in or at least fit a wedding dress, I do not think I deserve Michelle as the blob I am nowadays, how will it be in the future? I do not know. I just do not know and it haunts me. It fucking haunts me.

I want to be a better me and I want to be comfortable being me. But all my anxieties and my own willpower fucks me over.

I want to be able to sleep normally, I want to be able to fall asleep, I want to be able to wake up, I want to be able to be the normal Nela. I want to be able to be the one who I want to be… I want to be the Nela Michelle sees and can be proud of. I want to be able to walk next to her without feeling like I do not belong.

I can’t even put on make up without feeling that it is a waste, no amount of paint will help me to feel “pretty”. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without going “is this really me….?”. I want to get a haircut without knowing I do not look good in it. I want to look stylish without looking like my fat is slowly eating my clothes…