This is so damn hard and it really sucks. I have so many moods throughout the whole day and it exhausts me. My medication is not working whatsoever. It is literally the same as before I started it, only that I am tired everyday. I wake up full of anxiety, I barely sleep and if I manage to catch a few hours I can barely manage to wake up. My generic mood throughout the day is apathetic and depressive… and it annoys me. I try to be as fun and cheery as I can be, so I don’t bother anyone. But it gets a bit too much when I am sitting talking and giggling about random shit on Discord while my heart is beating so hard I get chestpains and my brain keeps on imagining many, most very, negative scenarios where shit derails. Which makes me panic and it increases my heartrate further.
I have no idea how to battle this. I don’t know who to talk to other than my therapist, but I can barely manage to talk to her over the phone. She called earlier today to make a new appointment, very intriguing conversation where I mostly sat silent and let her speak. I did manage to squeak out that everything is worse and that I do not think the medication works… so she gave me a new doctor’s appointment and a new EMDR appointment. She asked vaguely if I knew if I would manage to come. But it all depends if I am able to get someone to come with me. Ergh… asking more people to accomodate to me. I know my anxiety and my shitty shit can be annoying to people, I don’t want to be annoying. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t even speak with friends about this, I don’t feel like I can. I barely touch the subject with Frederik, because it scares me. I don’t want to make him get tired of me. I know we have had a pretty bumpy road going on, with Bs and stuff, but I really do not want to lose my most important person… at the same time I feel like I can’t talk to my most important person. It fucking eats me.
I have realised recently that I have literally no friends down here in the Netherlands, what have I been doing for these five-six years I have lived here? I have had friendly neighbours, but we barely speak nowadays. Probably a bit of my fault for not trying to stay more in contact. I have no one to really rely on, I can’t always expect Michelle to take me places… she has already accomodated so much for me and it is not like we are in a relationship where I can expect her to always help me. I have help-people for this, but they can’t do the days I have to go to the therapist… sadly.
I feel utterly lost in myself.
I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…
Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.
I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.
I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…
I am back, I have no idea why I stopped writing, or well I do. I guess this is what this blogpost will be about… and some new images of how we moved around furniture in our house. Can’t end it on a bad note! Or a sad note.
Well, for a couple of months now I have been not feeling quite… tiptop. It feels more or less like a depression, but the symptoms are completely different. I can feel it undermining every thought I have but it does not take over, like usual. I laugh, I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel anger but… not lasting. Because at the end the state of my mind is unstable enough to be apathetic. But not a full-time apathy, which confuses me. Is this a depression or is this something else? I have heavy experience with depressions and it feels like one, but it does not appear like one.
It is weird, but at the same time pretty nice. It dulls my anxiety, and I thank it for that. My anxiety was getting worse to the point where I felt it everyday and for small mundane tasks such as getting people over, talking to people over the internet… my biggest new anxiety that surfaced was to appear vulnerable infront of people. I guess it took such a toll on my body that it ended with it shutting down, to this state. I don’t like it but at the same time I do. Michelle joked about that this might be the rest of my life, free from anxiety. But I do not want this thing eating at me whenever I do not occupy myself with something different all the time…
Meh, either way I will be very honest to the person coming to “help” (still very skeptical about her ability to do so, but it is an alternative to nothing. I ended up not going to the people that specialize in anxiety disorders and they said they would call to make a new appointment, but that was years ago) me on the first September, and tell her that this is how it is now and what is she going to do to try and help me.
On another note, we remodelled the house a bit. We moved the bed downstairs, the bookcases out to the dining corner and moved the table to a different wall. It all looks so fancy and nice now!