Trying to talk to the person you like without having any kind of evidence besides your words suck. Being doubted and mistrusted. It is all my own fault. I made the bed, now I have to lay in it.
I might leave the guild I am in, will see after this weeks reset how I feel about it.
Oh, there is also a storm here. 130-140km/h winds.
I got my oxazepam out yesterday. Already through one and a half card. Yay~…
I hurt someone dear to me and I do not know if I deserve the second chance he wants to give me… I think I also lost the respect of a friend, might have even lost the friendship.
I win at life. I win at being a shitty person. I win at hurting people. The more self insight I discover about myself, the more I dislike myself.
I did some drastic changes… to combat my shitty personality and try and make amends.
I went down to the beach, all by myself – sounds so damn silly. It is around 8-10km back and forth, which was very good exercise for me.
It was a very wonderful day. Sun is love~!
I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…
Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.
I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.
I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…
This is literally my mood for today. I feel invincible, no anxieties, no brainghosts, nothing out of the norm. I will probably take a walk today too, pretty hyped that I am able to. Probably time to try to start travelling around in the Netherlands, to prepare for the trip back to Sweden.
Been having a positive outlook on things, at least trying to. It seems to be working somewhat and that brings more positivity.
Had a decent day, no mindghosts being all up in my space telling me I will never amount to anything etc. Felt pretty nice to have a day off from that. When you are able to catch the breaks you should embrace them, so I did. I ate an apple for breakfast and enjoyed a nice vanilla and caramel cup of tea. Was really nice, recommended.
I also took a walk on my own today, without suppressors again. I walked in a pretty quick space and a lot, I covered a whole lot of ground. I had the anxiety under the surface reminding me it was still there, a few times I was close to breaking I have to admit. But I didn’t and it felt really good to move around. Then I ate a hummus sandwich for dinner, with thin sliced cucumber and tomato on it.
I phoned my dad a while ago, we talked over Skype and I was telling him about the plans about moving back. I will crash in his kitchen in the beginning, while I am looking for help with the debts in Sweden, a job and a place to live. Brought up dividing some stuff with Michelle, most of our furniture are gifted to us from family but the things we bought together probably has to be divided inbetween us. Will have to bring that up another time and have a sit-down for it.
After the call with my father it overwhelmed me that I am venturing away from the life I built here into uncertainty and unsafety. It made me cry for a couple of minutes, I was just letting my eyes sweep over the room and take it all in. That I had to leave it all. It is just overwhelming, a big step.
Oh my god, I can’t believe it. I took a walk with Renny, the help person in former post, and we walked for such a long time. I didn’t even take the suppressors/benzo/oxazepam, was only on sertraline. I am very proud of myself. Today is such a nice weather day, it is cold but not too cold. The sun is shining and I throughly enjoyed myself outdoors.
I have this side to me that no one really knew about, because I isolated myself and didn’t really show interest. But I really enjoy moving my body. Badminton, basketball and handball are my top sports to do so in. And general walking/running is also something I really like and want to do again.
So this step was a nice confirmation that I can do it without having to rely on being drowsy and “drugged” down.