Well, hello.

I am back, after a turmoiled filled month away from the blog, I am again back at it. I am in a much better place now than I was before. Events have gone past with a lot of hello’s, goodbye’s and neutral standpoints. Oh, what’s that? Pointform?! Yes.

  • Me and Michelle are still living together, preparing to move back to Sweden during summer. She will probably travel with me, then go on a vacation to meet some friends in Sweden. Will probably be pretty fun, just need to invest in an ID – got a lot of information of it, just need to book a time at the Swedish embassy.
  • Life is a bit easier now, at least regarding living together. Much less annoyance and passive aggressivity. There are sometimes where feelings flare up again, but it is very fleeting and not meant to be acted upon. Don’t really see a reason why to initiate anything, the only reason they flare up is because you stay close to each other and you have a history together. So you just have to take it with a pinch of salt.
  • I got a bed now, that is a big plus.
  • Me and Frederik is not really happening, it was a couple of horrible weeks where I woke up all the time crying and missing him intensely. We just did not seem to want to go in the same direction, I showed in major ways how serious I was about it and meh. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes it doesn’t. And this was obviously one of the latter situations.
  • But now it is a bit better, I don’t really “allow” myself to think of him, I surround myself with fun things instead. A lot of laughter and movement helps!
  • My sister is pregnant and getting married this summer! That’s amazing. I am going to be an aunt – again!
  • I got dropped from the therapyinstitution, but I think it is for the better. Instead of me taking up the time from someone else that they can help much more. I just am done with trying to find ways of “fixing” it. I firmly believe everyone lives with anxieties/depression, just that they live with it instead of focusing only on it.
  • So that is what I have started doing, living with it. I go outside, I exercise, I go to the store, I push my own boundaries more. Can’t be bothered trying to find a “miracle”-cure.

Well, that is about it. Pointform has been made. Might start updating more often, need to change my domain name too, ridiculous name is ridiculous.

Post-It notes, Revelations Online & a tiny Update

Michelle found this nifty little “plug-in” for the computer, it has been so handy with my forgetfulness. Stick-it notes but on your screen, even if I would write it down in a calendar or on a paper I would forget about it sadly. Future plans:

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Started playing Revelations Online with Frederik, might be some more in the guild that are interested. Would be fun to play all of us. I really enjoy it, but I still have the gaming curse. I get bored so easily, so do not want to end up overplaying it and get bored of it.


My mood is still being shit, had to ask Renny to leave early today, around 15min. But she was fine with it, very understanding. She just wants to see and check up on me mostly. I am glad that she seems to work with more basketcases like me, that can’t deal with real life. I don’t get how it isn’t tiring. Going to try and change medication or something.

I really hope I am able to sleep tonight. My body is getting used to not sleeping much… I go to bed at reasonable times, I end up just sitting staring into the wall or laying down staring into the ceiling and that is usually when the anxiety grips me. Which makes it impossible for me to relax and sleep. I keep on being overwhelmed by this sense of dread. That I can’t explain. I really dislike not being able to explain it properly. Then when I finally pass out – because even though I can’t sleep, I am deadtired throughout the whole day – I sleep very restless and very little, and my body is getting used to it… I do not know how to combat this.

Today I have felt like not having any kind of social contact, which is one of the reasons I did not want to meet up with Renny. The anxiety and self loathing is right at the surface and it feels like I will say something wrong or untimed and it will crack my all so “cheery” facade.

Oh, on another much lighter note: 

Yay…

Not being able to sleep has one upside: I noticed immediately when Keiko, our cat, started throwing up. I cleaned it up as well as I could, but will need to vacuum later today… You see, she threw up on the carpet. Sigh…

Meh, hopefully I can sleep now but I doubt it. All that running around trying to clean it up quick has made me awake…

Look at all this shit I found!

I have gotten in contact with a lot of very hateful shit lately and I just wanted to share them here. Let’s start with Soldiers of Odin, shall we?

I had no idea this organization existed until I read about that they want to “fix” the whole immigrant issues and exterminate the disease known as homosexuality. I am not even making this up, they have literally on multiple occasions spread their message loud and clear. They might deny that they are a neo-Nazi group but their actions speak louder than their words, maybe the intent wasn’t to become one but you can’t expect it to not blow up. Extremists will be everywhere and it is a classic example of extremists taking over.

It started in Finland spread over Scandinavia and has spread down to the Netherlands, where I currently live. At the moment what they are doing is patrolling the streets, stopping extra long outside gay bars, and they can not be stopped because they are just patrolling… and this is what I have been reading from comments on articles: some people are actually positive against having a neighborhood watch. Yes, you want someone that literally pours hate down your throat to protect you. No, that protection is not for me.

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In English: “The Soldiers of Odin has started patrolling around gay bars in central Stockholm, dear siblings: BE SAFE!” – “Yes, we have started. We are going to cleanse the sickness.”

And for the Dutchies:
Burgerwacht ‘Soldiers of Odin’ actief in Nederland: behulpzaam of walgelijk?
I think you can translate it to English on the site or via google translate.

Their facebook page has literally a ton of people screaming about exterminating anything that is not white, cis and normal…


I have also been seeing a lot of “WTF” shit regarding being transgender…

For example, in England and Wales, you can be reported for RAPE if you do not tell your sex partner that you are transgender. What the flying fuck? So i.e being trans* makes you a rapist. What the fuck is that kind of logic? I do not think that if you are trans* that you have to tell anyone unless you really want to! It is your own body and identity, if you are a female you are a female, if you are a male you are a male. No one should be able to tell you different. If a cis/anything man/woman sleeps with a trans* man/woman they slept with the gender they saw. Simple. There is no fucking trickery!

wtfewwgwa

This is the link for anyone that wants to read through it:
Trans people face jail for rape if they have sex without sharing their gender history

So now you can legally be discriminated against if you are anything besides CIS. I am glad that the Netherlands have nothing like that. This is just so damn medieval and backward.


I will leave these here.

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Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

Yes… this happened.

retard
I just wanted to share this. A couple of fun facts that she does not bring up:
1. She acted condescending and mocking towards me in the beginning of it all, and I am not a person that can stand above it sadly – trying to fix it. But apparently putting yourself in a better light is far more important than revealing both sides, just like eating somebody is far more important than caring for your own body and environment.
2. The arguements she had against veganism where literally Vegan Sidekick’s images. Almost textbook stupid. And when she had nothing else to retort to she went with “PLANTS HAVE FEELINGS”… so I just told her if she cared for plant lives she should choose a vegan lifestyle, less casualities.
3. Veganism is not for lazy people, according to her obviously, because it is so hard living in a bigger city with more than eight different vegan restaurants and more than four different vegan food stores to find vegan foodsources.
4. Love is not compatible with killing. It isn’t. Deal with it properly, like an adult. Making statuses about “omg horrible things happens but this vegan fascist…” is not really mature, I am glad to not be you, a disrespectful twat that can not hold her own in a simple discussion about doing the bare minimum of understanding that animals have basic rights, like anyone else, and that you are contributing/funding the exploit of their rights.
5. And really? Going as far as to compare me to genocide and religious fanatics? Seems more like your thing, seeing you are the one contributing to the far more vast amount of animals killed, both in the industry and in the fields. Only in the meat/dairy industry genocide and psychopathy are welcome. But hey, as long as it pleases your tongue.
6. I also never said anything about not caring for farmers, being a vegan you think about everyone’s health and quality of life, not only your own. To buy ecological is a far better choice to help said workers with their daily life than just being random items and not knowing what you support. But what kind of intelligence can I expect from someone that claims that all turks are filth?
Sadly this person is a former close friends’ girlfriend and she deals with her own double morales in her everyday life (overbearing, control freak and condescending towards anyone that is not her – not a big surprise that she is a racist). I did not have a good image or impression of her before this, but I did not want it to ruin something that might have been a somewhat close reminder of friendship. But seeing her rare display of retardation… meh, I rather be without her.

Four things!

I am working on really heavy subjects blogposts at the moment (taking a couple of minutes every day typing down in each different post to publish them in a row later), so lightening up the mood a bit with a small list. I will write four things about me in any kind of category! Woopwoop… fasten your seatbelts.

Four places I have lived at:

  1. Älghult
  2. Joure
  3. Reduzum
  4. Makkum

Four places where I have worked (in this case two):

  1. Restaurant Kristina
  2. Online translator for different companies

Four things I enjoy watching:

  1. The Walking Dead
  2. Anime~
  3. Interior design programs
  4. Anything – we use Google Chromecast, so sometimes Youtube, sometimes Crunchyroll and sometimes plain Netflix

Four things I love to eat:

  1. CAULIFLOWER!
  2. Potatoes
  3. Tomatoes
  4. Corn

Four things I enjoy doing:

  1. Gaming
  2. Writing
  3. Drawing
  4. Discussing on the Internet (I am a really shy person in real life, only my closest friends will endure my rationalism unless it comes towards very offensive subjects as homphobia, I will start debating it with any random – says the gutless “social justice warrior”)

Four things I enjoy drinking:

  1. Juice
  2. Tea
  3. Oatly milk (vegan Swedish brand, I love there mango/pine apple and chocolate milks, will try their natural one for ice coffee!)
  4. Coffee (not that often anymore though)

Four places I have been to:

  1. Gothenburg
  2. Amsterdam
  3. Sneek
  4. Borgholm

Four things I would love doing in the future:

  1. Go to Japan with Michelle
  2. Take our bikes and just bike around in the Netherlands (sightseeing with a picnic basket, sounds wonderful!)
  3. Moving to a different place and/or new house
  4. Marry Michelle with both us wearing stunning wedding dresses

Aaaaand that was the end of the list! I hope you had fun reading, or at least got some “oh I did not know that!” thoughts.

A small Q&A #3…

Well, back to the segment! Let’s handle those hard and tough questions that everyone seems to care about… First part: A small Q&A #1… and second part: A small Q&A #2….


The genitalia what is gonna happen?” … oh how many times haven’t we gotten this as a first reaction? Why can’t people just be happy that Michelle is finally aiming for her own happiness and quality of life? No, it is all about the genitalia. Frankly, it is not anyones’ goddamn business what will be/is/was in anyones’ pants. But to be more precise, because this blog is more personal and detailed I feel an obligation to do so.

Michelle’s dysphoria is not against her own penis, it is her overall body, the sex she was born in and how she perceives herself. So she will not go through with the reassignment surgery, IF in the future that she feels that her penis is the last part that contributes to her depressive side, then she will go through with it and for my own part, I do not care that much. I did not fall in love with her penis, I did not get engaged with her penis. Sure there will be a big change, considering how it will be in our sex life, but we will try to find more ways to connect mentally, physically and emotionally. I am looking forward to it! If it now happens.

Her dysphoria goes even a bit deeper than just “I need to remove it”, she can not perceive the surgery as something that will give her happiness, she just wants to have been born as a CIS female. I do not know the struggle but I imagine plenty of trans* already goes through this too and can recognize it. The surgery can make people happy and it can also aid their negative thoughts…


Are you sure HE is not just gay?” Ok, because anyone volunteerily goes through this just so people can remark on their sexuality… well, we are quite sure SHE is gay, but would prefer to be labelled as a pansexual – genitalia does not matter, like it apparently does in your world – nothing wrong with that, but do not expect everyone to see it like you do, it is called common sense… and you refusing to use the pronouns Michelle feels comfortable with shows me that you are a very disrespectful person and I would probably not want you close to me or her.


Wow, you do fucking everything to get attention…“… What? Did you really trample all over Michelle and her bravery just because you think she does it for the attention? NO ONE would go through intense depression, suicidal thoughts and identity issues, confusion volunteerily, and then finally being able to be who they are and here you fucking come and step on them? Oh, if I wasn’t against violence… I would smack that bigotted head right off your neck, must be quite a burden to be that fucking retarded. Try to view the world in a more positive and less distrusting way and you might make progress as an individual.

I know this segment got a bit heated, sorry for losing my temper, but it is still stuff I do get angry over because it is such a sign of disrespect and bad character, you should cut people like this out of your life as soon as possible.


Well, there was one big and two smaller segments, I got furious typing them and now I need to calm down for a while. This might be the end of the Q&A – sorry and not sorry. There isn’t anything more to type about it and the general questions that people seem to give a shit about got answered now.

Sorry to you nice folks reading, I know you wish her well and us happiness, I wish it back, hugs and kisses! There will be more blogposts about me and Michelle in the future, less negativity more positivity!

Why I am a feminist

Patriarchy taught me that I need to get a man in my life. Feminism taught me that I can meet whoever I want, if I want.

Patriarchy taught me that females should be silenced when they have been raped and that they can only be blamed for it, not the rapist. Feminism taught me how to dare to open up about my own rape and work against it. Feminism taught me that it was not my fault.

Patriarchy taught me that I need to be silent and cute. Feminism taught me to point finger and stand up for my rights.

Patriarchy taught me that men like natural females, but that I am ugly without makeup. Feminism taught me to laugh at it.

Patriarchy taught me that you had to pity men that beat up women, because they can not be responsible for their actions – the females were at blameFeminism taught me to not feel sorry for a savage.

Patricarchy taught me that I was a disgusting slut because I love sex. But that I am a dry and prude cunt if I say no. Feminism taught me to fuck how much and how little I wanted.

Patriarchy taught me that I need to strive for mens’ confirmation. Feminism taught me to validate myself.

Patriarchy taught me that I am a pathetic fucking bitch. Feminism taught me that I am a strong and independent individual.

Patriarchy taught me that the mannequins were disgusting, but that I was disgusting if I did not look like them. Feminism taught me that my body; it is mine.

To everyone that questions anyone for why they would be a feminist.
The question is: Why would YOU not want to be a feminist?

Self loathing…

A pile of self loathing for the win, am I right? I do not know if it is because of the very bad sleep I have had now for a month and a half, or not, but generally when I can’t sleep I start thinking very dark thoughts. About me, about the relationship between me and Michelle, our future, my situation with my family and friendships overall… I just can’t stop thinking when I am laying there, twisting around, deadtired but unable to sleep. So I keep on spiraling down, I try to maintain a good mood and attitude during the day, but I still feel sad and somewhat drained, emotionally and physically. I get angered a lot by random things, I do laugh when I am having fun, but it tires me out quickly, like really fast.

I start thinking about myself and how much I loathe myself and then I start thinking about why I dislike myself and if I can do something about it, then I get stuck. I keep on imagining stupid scenarios and in every single one of them I do not look like I do in reality. I hate it, I know how to fix it and what to do about it, but then another anxiety jumps in and hinders me from doing so. I can not better my own situation because anxieties refuse to let me. It sounds silly, but if you have something that controls you and your life, you understand.

I can’t even fix it either, in my own opinion I am a fat little fuck and I really need to lose weight, I eat healthy, I do not eat any fat foods and I do not eat stuff randomly just to fix my temptations (nowadays I do, because I am in one of those ditches where I do not give a fuck). I need to get a gyn-appointment, to see what is wrong with my private parts and to find out if I have PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – and if I have, it is really hard for me to lose weight, BAM, another demotivator.

I continue with the really bad thoughts with if I can’t like myself how can Michelle? Then I start thinking about the future and if she transitions well, well enough in her opinion (it is a shallow thing, but she really wants to pass properly as a female and I do not see anything wrong with it, it isn’t forever with her identifying as transgendered and we both know it) and will I be enough? In those years I might not even have been able to properly lose weight, to the point where I feel attractive and comfortable and I would not see how she would be able to get attracted to a lump of fat in that case. Because I wouldn’t. I would love the person behind all the fat, but I wouldn’t be able to get turned on by the idea of rubbing up against an obese person, that might be because I hate my body type to that degree, I do not see anything wrong in other people feeling comfortable but I do really not allow people to say that it is healthy to be that big, because it isn’t. I know myself I am not thaaaat big, but I am slowly getting there and I am NOT healthy, I am not fat shaming, I am just stating that your body is not supposed to be able to live like a fucking blob. Almost like our stomachs are not supposed to digest meat and our bodies can’t handle it, our bodies can’t handle obesity well either. If I was thinner maybe I would be a bit more lenient with my opinion on obesity, and probably be able to see other aspects of it, that obese people might actually be able to be genuinely happy with their bodies and feel healthy. But right now, I detest myself, I detest my obesity and I do not think it is healthy and should not be advocated as healthy.

What if because of my PCOS I can barely lose weight in a span of three years or six? I want to be able to wear clothes I would feel comfortable in or at least fit a wedding dress, I do not think I deserve Michelle as the blob I am nowadays, how will it be in the future? I do not know. I just do not know and it haunts me. It fucking haunts me.

I want to be a better me and I want to be comfortable being me. But all my anxieties and my own willpower fucks me over.

I want to be able to sleep normally, I want to be able to fall asleep, I want to be able to wake up, I want to be able to be the normal Nela. I want to be able to be the one who I want to be… I want to be the Nela Michelle sees and can be proud of. I want to be able to walk next to her without feeling like I do not belong.

I can’t even put on make up without feeling that it is a waste, no amount of paint will help me to feel “pretty”. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without going “is this really me….?”. I want to get a haircut without knowing I do not look good in it. I want to look stylish without looking like my fat is slowly eating my clothes…