Long time, no see!

I have been very negligent with the blog, I know. Well, it is mostly for me to write things off my chest/mind. A diary for me, and I am happy I have people to share my life with it. But sometimes I just do not have anything positive or fun to write about, so I skip it completely. Might change, might not.


Either way, I have gone away from my red hair, what?! I know! It is shocking. Yes, you did, indeed, read that correctly. I am trying to achieve a brown/gray ombre. Have only gotten to the part where I have ash blonde ombre with dark brown hair at roots. But getting there, will get there even. I like it, I kind of look my age now, difference in hair colour does so much.

I also enhanced the photos a bit, to show off the colour difference, because my camera does not want to pick up subtle changes… seeing I dyed my hair red for six or more years it is really hard to get gray in the first colouring. So we went for ash blonde and I was really unhappy about it in the beginning because it felt like it didn’t really show. But now I kind of like it, it is subtle with gray-ash blonde and with pastel orange hinting through.

I also improved my eyebrow game, quite decently I would say. Learned some new things to not make them so harsh and bold. I like bold eyebrows, but I am now fading my inner parts and it works wonders.

I quit nicotine completely, a big step for me! I started working out, just now I did a 30 min run in and out of Makkum, 2.5 km with 1 km running completely with willpower and strength.

Michelle is gone for two weeks, been gone now for seven days, to visit her new girlfriend or whatever you want to call their relationship. Seems shaky and she seems to not be satisfied with the current state. Not my problem to be honest, I do care for her but I need to care for myself too. Can’t go back to just not be an individual anymore.

Well, moving to Sweden is finally final, I am leaving the Netherlands the 21st July and will be living in Gothenburg! With a really old friend of mine, he will be housing me for a couple of months until I have gotten everything sorted out. I am so grateful towards him for it and I am looking forward to it. Gothenbuuuuuurg!

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Bubbles and Butterflies~

This might be a bit different to what I usually post. But I have been talking to for a while now a very kind and caring human being. This person makes me so happy and fluttery, that I just… could evaporate into a small cloud of happiness-bubbles. He is the calm to my frantic, his charisma and personality is top tier and his looks, goddamn… I seem to always go for people out of my league. I am just so intense-happy about that he seems to feel the same way, just enjoying each others company. Talking until we fall asleep, wake up in the morning still in a call and just being able to say good morning to each other, playing games together, having fun mixed with serious chats… we seem to fit so well. The humour we share is so dark and hilarious.

I would not label this yet, until I have met him and experience real life together. But it seems to be going in a very good direction, so we (both) are not in any kind of rush. Right now we are just enjoying each others company, all the other fluttery and bubbly feelings and thoughts are just bonuses to whatever we have going on. For someone a bit younger than me he is very mature, he is four years younger and has his life more sorted than I have my socks. Haha! Well, not that it is a bad thing – we both have our whole lives ahead of us, I am just a bit sad I started a bit late to work on my own future (but this is not about that!).

I might end up flying from Amsterdam to Gothenburg, which means that we can meet already at that point – iiiiih! Makes me blush thinking about it. I am actually looking forward to solve and settle my debts/situations in Sweden. A tiny, teeny bit anxious and overwhelmed still, but who wouldn’t be? I just have to rely a bit on others to help me get started, I am pretty horrible at relying on people, so it will be a learning experience!

Michelle seems happier too, she is crushing on a German girl, which seems very kind and caring. I am happy she is also working on herself, to become the person she wants to be.

Well, hello.

I am back, after a turmoiled filled month away from the blog, I am again back at it. I am in a much better place now than I was before. Events have gone past with a lot of hello’s, goodbye’s and neutral standpoints. Oh, what’s that? Pointform?! Yes.

  • Me and Michelle are still living together, preparing to move back to Sweden during summer. She will probably travel with me, then go on a vacation to meet some friends in Sweden. Will probably be pretty fun, just need to invest in an ID – got a lot of information of it, just need to book a time at the Swedish embassy.
  • Life is a bit easier now, at least regarding living together. Much less annoyance and passive aggressivity. There are sometimes where feelings flare up again, but it is very fleeting and not meant to be acted upon. Don’t really see a reason why to initiate anything, the only reason they flare up is because you stay close to each other and you have a history together. So you just have to take it with a pinch of salt.
  • I got a bed now, that is a big plus.
  • Me and Frederik is not really happening, it was a couple of horrible weeks where I woke up all the time crying and missing him intensely. We just did not seem to want to go in the same direction, I showed in major ways how serious I was about it and meh. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes it doesn’t. And this was obviously one of the latter situations.
  • But now it is a bit better, I don’t really “allow” myself to think of him, I surround myself with fun things instead. A lot of laughter and movement helps!
  • My sister is pregnant and getting married this summer! That’s amazing. I am going to be an aunt – again!
  • I got dropped from the therapyinstitution, but I think it is for the better. Instead of me taking up the time from someone else that they can help much more. I just am done with trying to find ways of “fixing” it. I firmly believe everyone lives with anxieties/depression, just that they live with it instead of focusing only on it.
  • So that is what I have started doing, living with it. I go outside, I exercise, I go to the store, I push my own boundaries more. Can’t be bothered trying to find a “miracle”-cure.

Well, that is about it. Pointform has been made. Might start updating more often, need to change my domain name too, ridiculous name is ridiculous.

Post-It notes, Revelations Online & a tiny Update

Michelle found this nifty little “plug-in” for the computer, it has been so handy with my forgetfulness. Stick-it notes but on your screen, even if I would write it down in a calendar or on a paper I would forget about it sadly. Future plans:

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Started playing Revelations Online with Frederik, might be some more in the guild that are interested. Would be fun to play all of us. I really enjoy it, but I still have the gaming curse. I get bored so easily, so do not want to end up overplaying it and get bored of it.


My mood is still being shit, had to ask Renny to leave early today, around 15min. But she was fine with it, very understanding. She just wants to see and check up on me mostly. I am glad that she seems to work with more basketcases like me, that can’t deal with real life. I don’t get how it isn’t tiring. Going to try and change medication or something.

I really hope I am able to sleep tonight. My body is getting used to not sleeping much… I go to bed at reasonable times, I end up just sitting staring into the wall or laying down staring into the ceiling and that is usually when the anxiety grips me. Which makes it impossible for me to relax and sleep. I keep on being overwhelmed by this sense of dread. That I can’t explain. I really dislike not being able to explain it properly. Then when I finally pass out – because even though I can’t sleep, I am deadtired throughout the whole day – I sleep very restless and very little, and my body is getting used to it… I do not know how to combat this.

Today I have felt like not having any kind of social contact, which is one of the reasons I did not want to meet up with Renny. The anxiety and self loathing is right at the surface and it feels like I will say something wrong or untimed and it will crack my all so “cheery” facade.

Oh, on another much lighter note: