Getting started with Moving Back

Is pretty darn hard I can tell you. A lot of things to plan while not knowing all necessary information I need to make all plans stable. At the moment I do know the costs of getting an emergency ID and how to get it. I also know prices of all the different ways of travelling, with a cat and a person with me. Just have to decide when to go.

Might fly from Amsterdam to Gothenburg, probably can meet up with David then at that point. Which seems a bit more attractive than flying to Stockholm, for so many reasons. Just have to decide where to go, Michelle is coming with me as help to maintain my sanity and mental health… then she is off to take a vacation to meet up with friends and so on.

It did hit me that it is pretty darn sad. It is a big chapter of my life and I am closing it. Completely. A lot of sad feelings and thoughts emerged with it. I know Michelle feels it worse…

But it will help both of us. To move on.

Outdoors without suppressors?!

Oh my god, I can’t believe it. I took a walk with Renny, the help person in former post, and we walked for such a long time. I didn’t even take the suppressors/benzo/oxazepam, was only on sertraline. I am very proud of myself. Today is such a nice weather day, it is cold but not too cold. The sun is shining and I throughly enjoyed myself outdoors.

I have this side to me that no one really knew about, because I isolated myself and didn’t really show interest. But I really enjoy moving my body. Badminton, basketball and handball are my top sports to do so in. And general walking/running is also something I really like and want to do again.

So this step was a nice confirmation that I can do it without having to rely on being drowsy and “drugged” down. 

Har alltid kunnat lita på min omdömeslöshet, har alltid kunnat tappa min skalle till marken.

Har alltid varit säker på att jag kan göra fel, det ger mig trygghet i stanken, bedragen av tanken.

Tror du vi kan ropa efter nån av förstånd som kan se vad vi gör och förstår vad vi menar.

Jag tror du söker efter mer än du ser men jag ser att du ler och jag tror att du tvivlar.

Vart jag än mig i världen vänder står jag här med tomma händer, längtar efter något som kan rädda mig.

Nails and cutie!

We did some nail manicure for Michi today, forgot to file them down though, so they have the jagged edge from biting them still, but they look nice with the really baby pink polish and glitter.

We also tried a different hairstyle, a semi-high pony tail with only bangs and a bit of pulled out hair, might try another style next time~.

“Look at the hair on my fingers, time to get rid of them!” – Michelle 2016

Do I enjoy being “triggered”?

I really need to take a step back and reevaluate why I feel the need to get “triggered” when I see/read/talk about something. Why do I even feel the need to respond to it? Most of the time I do not get that feeling when I just read a plain discussion, but when I see statements made out of pure ignorance, wrong facts or just plain rudeness, I feel the urge to respond back in a very polite but harsh way. Why do I do it? Why can’t I just let it go and let some other “social justice“-warrior take my place and lecture people at the wrongs in their statements?

Against friends when they say things that I do not agree with I snap at them, snap as in politely tell them to not and “here is 100 reasons to why you should reconsider your opinion”, but when strangers do it I have to go all out and call them out on their bullshit quite often. Why?

  • Is it because I get a sense of superiority? No, I can’t say I get that kind of emotion.
  • Is it because I want to show them my knowledge? No, they have that kind of knowledge as well, just that they haven’t thought about it in that way or they are just stupid – simply speaking.
  • Is it because I am an arrogant person that needs to shove my opinion on others? No, I rather debate both options in hope of making the views and opinions of me and someone else go in a better direction.
  • Is it because I want to be as politically correct as possible? I have my flaws, but I am trying to better myself as a person generally.

I think it is probably because with an official (on websites, in public etc) discussion or a debate you can change the views and thoughtpattern of many people and with that you can change a lot of things that are wrong with our society and living standards structure.

I know my personal “triggers” better than anyone else, and I should try and avoid them to the fullest of my capabilities, but they sneak up on me quite often. Through family and friends on Facebook, through reading blogs or articles or just general talk between friends and strangers. I start reading things that peak my interest and then it is just a lost cause if any of those triggers are in there.

I know myself that I get triggered a lot by people discussing LGBTQ matters, I really am fed up with bigotry. Racism, hate against feminism and feministic hate against men, vegan matters (mostly meat eaters hurling insults and really bad research on facts that twists my insides into a raging bowl of “here have real facts” anger), people actually contacting Michelle about her being transgender and not only asking rude questions but also portraying their homophobic and transphobic views on her without any regard of her feelings or that she is also just a human like them… all these triggers me very hard. But something else mixed into it today which I did not know was something I had strong opinions on surfaced…

Latest one that triggered me is the whole pro-life arguement… for me there is no middle. There is also no pro-life, people are pro-birth. As soon as the baby plops out they do not care for it anymore, which is shown in many ways with how they argue about it being murder and selfish. I remember posting an old image about it before, I even looked it up and will post again in the end. It sums up everything that is wrong with the whole pro-life arguement and why it is stupid to support it.


So bottom line of this post… yeah… I argue and get “triggered” a lot. Because I am a human being with strong opinions. I know myself that I might be wrong sometimes but I can admit to it when I am wrong. I do a ton of research before I even start discussing anything that my interest is peaked in, to be able to have a discussion that might change someone’s opinion or life view in the end. And help me better my own.

I guess that I mean that if I disagree with something people will know.

Back from the dead!

I am finally posting here again, we both are used to me not posting much, so it is like a special treat everytime!

Been very into Subnautica lately, but I will probably not progress in that game, I am so fucking scared of all the noises you hear in it. I spent hours on my base instead, because my base gotta be beautiful.


The main Entrance.
The back of the base, there is also my parking lot, gonna get a lot of sea moths.
Gotta keep tabs of what I loot and store.
What a delightful office!
Omigod, fishies?
Farming under water? Waaaat
Yas, farming under water ftw.
My beloved moth. 
A small observatorium for people to chillax and enjoy the tranquility of the sea.