Getting started with Moving Back

Is pretty darn hard I can tell you. A lot of things to plan while not knowing all necessary information I need to make all plans stable. At the moment I do know the costs of getting an emergency ID and how to get it. I also know prices of all the different ways of travelling, with a cat and a person with me. Just have to decide when to go.

Might fly from Amsterdam to Gothenburg, probably can meet up with David then at that point. Which seems a bit more attractive than flying to Stockholm, for so many reasons. Just have to decide where to go, Michelle is coming with me as help to maintain my sanity and mental health… then she is off to take a vacation to meet up with friends and so on.

It did hit me that it is pretty darn sad. It is a big chapter of my life and I am closing it. Completely. A lot of sad feelings and thoughts emerged with it. I know Michelle feels it worse…

But it will help both of us. To move on.

Outdoors without suppressors?!

Oh my god, I can’t believe it. I took a walk with Renny, the help person in former post, and we walked for such a long time. I didn’t even take the suppressors/benzo/oxazepam, was only on sertraline. I am very proud of myself. Today is such a nice weather day, it is cold but not too cold. The sun is shining and I throughly enjoyed myself outdoors.

I have this side to me that no one really knew about, because I isolated myself and didn’t really show interest. But I really enjoy moving my body. Badminton, basketball and handball are my top sports to do so in. And general walking/running is also something I really like and want to do again.

So this step was a nice confirmation that I can do it without having to rely on being drowsy and “drugged” down. 

Har alltid kunnat lita på min omdömeslöshet, har alltid kunnat tappa min skalle till marken.

Har alltid varit säker på att jag kan göra fel, det ger mig trygghet i stanken, bedragen av tanken.

Tror du vi kan ropa efter nån av förstånd som kan se vad vi gör och förstår vad vi menar.

Jag tror du söker efter mer än du ser men jag ser att du ler och jag tror att du tvivlar.

Vart jag än mig i världen vänder står jag här med tomma händer, längtar efter något som kan rädda mig.

Nails and cutie!

We did some nail manicure for Michi today, forgot to file them down though, so they have the jagged edge from biting them still, but they look nice with the really baby pink polish and glitter.

We also tried a different hairstyle, a semi-high pony tail with only bangs and a bit of pulled out hair, might try another style next time~.

“Look at the hair on my fingers, time to get rid of them!” – Michelle 2016

Do I enjoy being “triggered”?

I really need to take a step back and reevaluate why I feel the need to get “triggered” when I see/read/talk about something. Why do I even feel the need to respond to it? Most of the time I do not get that feeling when I just read a plain discussion, but when I see statements made out of pure ignorance, wrong facts or just plain rudeness, I feel the urge to respond back in a very polite but harsh way. Why do I do it? Why can’t I just let it go and let some other “social justice“-warrior take my place and lecture people at the wrongs in their statements?

Against friends when they say things that I do not agree with I snap at them, snap as in politely tell them to not and “here is 100 reasons to why you should reconsider your opinion”, but when strangers do it I have to go all out and call them out on their bullshit quite often. Why?

  • Is it because I get a sense of superiority? No, I can’t say I get that kind of emotion.
  • Is it because I want to show them my knowledge? No, they have that kind of knowledge as well, just that they haven’t thought about it in that way or they are just stupid – simply speaking.
  • Is it because I am an arrogant person that needs to shove my opinion on others? No, I rather debate both options in hope of making the views and opinions of me and someone else go in a better direction.
  • Is it because I want to be as politically correct as possible? I have my flaws, but I am trying to better myself as a person generally.

I think it is probably because with an official (on websites, in public etc) discussion or a debate you can change the views and thoughtpattern of many people and with that you can change a lot of things that are wrong with our society and living standards structure.

I know my personal “triggers” better than anyone else, and I should try and avoid them to the fullest of my capabilities, but they sneak up on me quite often. Through family and friends on Facebook, through reading blogs or articles or just general talk between friends and strangers. I start reading things that peak my interest and then it is just a lost cause if any of those triggers are in there.

I know myself that I get triggered a lot by people discussing LGBTQ matters, I really am fed up with bigotry. Racism, hate against feminism and feministic hate against men, vegan matters (mostly meat eaters hurling insults and really bad research on facts that twists my insides into a raging bowl of “here have real facts” anger), people actually contacting Michelle about her being transgender and not only asking rude questions but also portraying their homophobic and transphobic views on her without any regard of her feelings or that she is also just a human like them… all these triggers me very hard. But something else mixed into it today which I did not know was something I had strong opinions on surfaced…

Latest one that triggered me is the whole pro-life arguement… for me there is no middle. There is also no pro-life, people are pro-birth. As soon as the baby plops out they do not care for it anymore, which is shown in many ways with how they argue about it being murder and selfish. I remember posting an old image about it before, I even looked it up and will post again in the end. It sums up everything that is wrong with the whole pro-life arguement and why it is stupid to support it.


So bottom line of this post… yeah… I argue and get “triggered” a lot. Because I am a human being with strong opinions. I know myself that I might be wrong sometimes but I can admit to it when I am wrong. I do a ton of research before I even start discussing anything that my interest is peaked in, to be able to have a discussion that might change someone’s opinion or life view in the end. And help me better my own.

I guess that I mean that if I disagree with something people will know.

Back from the dead!

I am finally posting here again, we both are used to me not posting much, so it is like a special treat everytime!

Been very into Subnautica lately, but I will probably not progress in that game, I am so fucking scared of all the noises you hear in it. I spent hours on my base instead, because my base gotta be beautiful.


The main Entrance.
The back of the base, there is also my parking lot, gonna get a lot of sea moths.
Gotta keep tabs of what I loot and store.
What a delightful office!
Omigod, fishies?
Farming under water? Waaaat
Yas, farming under water ftw.
My beloved moth. 
A small observatorium for people to chillax and enjoy the tranquility of the sea.

Vegetarian… why?

15/4 2016 edit: I went vegan after a couple of weeks.

Well, I guess that is the biggest “WTF!” moment at the moment, I haven’t even told my family about it yet. I told Alma about it and she congratulated me and Michelle and told us that she was happy for us. I am happy for us too, it just feels better to eat things healthy for you.

Why though?
I became a (semi)vegetarian because I wanted to stop harming animals and “justify” it with that everyone else is doing it. If I don’t take the first step to change me, my life and my surroundings why would I expect it from other people? Let’s face it, most individuals are really lazy and pushes it off with comments like “here come the crazy ass vegans again”. But that isn’t it. The only reasons vegans preach about not eating animals or harming the environment is because it is a fact that we are ruining the planet and killing innocent lives. Because they aren’t annoying as some people state, they are only annoying to you as an individual because deep down you know they are right but you just don’t want to listen or admit it.

It is a sort of selfgratification (any reason to decrease the amount of meat you eat or going full vegan is a good reason), I feel good knowing that my family eats vegetarian dishes from now on. The only thing we haven’t been able to lay off completely is chicken (once every two weeks or so) and some dairy products – but it is going the right way!

Red meat is a no-go here in our house. When we do eat chicken or fish we eat it rarely and not big portions, and we tend to go for organic chicken/fish that came from the Netherlands and not outside the country.

Debunking snarky comments
But humans kill humans, they will continue on killing lives no matter what
Yes, but that does not mean that the situation is unchange-able. You can take the first step to change your life and then turn it into changing friends and families’ lives.

The vegetarian/vegan food is so expensive! Why would I buy food that will make me broke when I can buy a ton of meat for the same price of one vegan schnitzel?
Oh my god, do you understand how any kind of system works? Higher demand = lower prices. Look at the meat industry – they massproduce meat from killing more and more animals which keeps the prices low and the demand is so high that they have to increase the slaughter to keep up. But if this demand would direct itself towards the vegetarian sortiment the prices of meat would go higher and vegetarian prices lower. More fields would be able to be used for the vegetarian plants instead of a harvest-areas for animals that are going to get slaughtered (around 60% of Sweden’s fields are for butchery-fields… and I think it is the same in most countries in Europe).

So as said: higher demand on the vegan sortiment will decrease prices while increasing meat prices.

The current situation is more or less: the pricing with meat and vegetarian meat alternatives are almost equal at the moment! So it makes no sense for anyone to complain about it.

I’ll just let someone else do it, so many people I know already are vegan/vegetarian
So? You’re refusing to change your ways because “enough people are vegan/vegetarian?” – are You retarded? If enough people were vegetarian/vegan countless of animals would be able to live their original lifespans, meat would skyrocket in price and the meat departments in every store would be full of vegetarian/vegan alternatives! Fucknut.

So you’re saying every human in the world should be vegan?
No, most people I know that turned to being “planteaters” (saw someone call vegans that will make it mine now) encourages people to at least decrease the amount of meat they eat and buy. I saw the Swedish Animal’s Rights website show off a pretty nice list for people not really wanting to become vegetarians/vegans but at least want to be a part of a better change:

1. Indulge in green – it is the most important thing you can do for the climate and the environment. Not just cucumber and sallad, think nuts, seeds, root vegetables, mushrooms, beans, lentils, tofu, soyproducts etc.

2. Change to organic/ecological – then you contribute to fresher water, happier animals, less poisons and more birds and flowers thrive. Also in countries like Brazil people don’t need to get poisoned when they pluck your bananas or harvest your coffee beans.

3. Choose meat with care – if and when you eat meat, think about lessening the portion and choose ecological and national meat – as a Swede you can pick ecological and Swedish meat.

We need meat everyday to live
No, there is a lot of good proteinsources in the plantkingdowm – nuts, beans, lentils etc are all full of both protein and other necessities that are healthy.

But soybeans then… you contribute to a lot of rainforest devastation!
The human hunger for more meat and dairy has been the driving force of the deforestation of the rainforest. The forest has been chopped down to give room to cattle and intensive growth of soy which has then been made into feed for cows, pigs and birds primarily in the west of the world, such as Sweden.. This has been the leading cause of huge pollutionleaks of greenhouse gas and extermination of animal species and destroyed ecosystem.

It isn’t the soybean itself that creates the problem, it is the huge demand of feed for the “butcheranimals” that makes the intensive cultivation of it.

I hope this will help you to decide if you would want to go vegan/vegetarian, I hope the most for you readers to understand that you don’t have to go fullblown vegan/vegetarian to help animals and our environment (it is the ideal though but eeeh decreasing your meat intake helps in a lot of ways either way!)

New plates, clothes and shoes!

We received three big packages today! Been ordering a lot of stuff this week, in total we have received five-six packages, with clothes, shoes and dining stuff.

The boots are Michelle’s, so stylish am I right? Ignore the toiletpaper roll, ops.

These plates are now my life. Six wine glasses – bought also with the plates – in the background. Grown up points!

FAQ about Michelle and Me

I figured with Michelle​ recently “coming out” as transgender to friends and family – facebook included – I should do a sort of FAQ for you guys, so I don’t have to receive the same couple of questions every time someone gets the newsflash of it. Well, let’s start:

(Plenty of these questions Michelle receive on a regular basis, because most of the time they do not have me as a friend close enough so they can ask me.)

1. “What? Did you know about this?”
~ Yes. I met (started talking to her) Michelle in a game when she was on hormones, already started liking her then, when she quit she was still the same person so I’m not really worried for any “personality” changes either (usually a follow-up question to it).

2. “Are you ok with it? Like really..?”
~ Yes. It isn’t my place to stand infront of her happiness, neither is it anyone else’s.

Also thank you for thinking I’m trapped. If I’m caged in the future I’ll be sure to hit you up for help.

3. “So what? You guys are breaking up?” or “How is your relationship gonna turn out now then?”
~ No? Why the question? Because females have to be with males? I see. ONE SEXUALITY TO RULE THEM ALL!

On a more “serious” note: We’re still engaged, planning wedding dresses etc. There is no reason to end a relationship when there is love in it: There isn’t any issues, not from my part or hers.

4. “So what are you sexuality-wise then and are you attracted to breasts/vaginas?”
~ Well, I would call myself pansexual, i.e genderblind. Would explain a lot of things from growing up… like a lot. Don’t really want to go into it. Easier way to say it is that I fall for the personality, not for the gender/genitalia like some people seem to insinuate you have to.

Simplified answer to the second part: Lumps are lumps.

Breasts are breasts – don’t really see the sexual aspect of them. Vaginas are just vaginas, dicks are dicks – to me it makes no difference, both are just attributes. In a harsher way, vaginas and dicks are different kind of meats, one a pipe and another a tunnel, they do not matter by themselves. I did not walk into this – or any – relationship with the intent of hooking up with a genitalia and not a person.

5. “Will she undergo surgery to receive a vagina?”
~ Polite response: I could give an answer but I think this is quite personal and should be taken up with the person in question.

What I really want to say to people asking this question but as in I always try to remain polite I have to write a clause about it: It isn’t your business what kind of genitalia ANYONE has. 

6. “W… Ho… How is this going to string along… I mean, what will happen in the future?”
~ I’ll try to keep the explaination brief because the procedure is pretty detailed and don’t really wanna write down anything that will create misunderstandings: Michelle is going to therapy in Amsterdam and with time the clinic/therapists will decide if she will be ready/”permitted” – what an awful choice for words I decided for – to go through with HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) again.

If I’ve forgotten anything that you want to ask, please ask in the comments then. I can’t remember every question, can I?!

If you don’t really understand it: feel free to ask questions – this FAQ was to compile the most asked ones.
If you really dislike this kind of topic, people or anything alike to it (homophobia, transphobia etc): Feel free to fuckety fuck off from my friendlist by yourself.

For everyone that has shown great support and wonderful advice/conversations/compliments: Thank you, you don’t understand how much you help Michelle with her self-esteem and going the distance. We are grateful for your support and we send the love doubled back!