I am back, after a turmoiled filled month away from the blog, I am again back at it. I am in a much better place now than I was before. Events have gone past with a lot of hello’s, goodbye’s and neutral standpoints. Oh, what’s that? Pointform?! Yes.
- Me and Michelle are still living together, preparing to move back to Sweden during summer. She will probably travel with me, then go on a vacation to meet some friends in Sweden. Will probably be pretty fun, just need to invest in an ID – got a lot of information of it, just need to book a time at the Swedish embassy.
- Life is a bit easier now, at least regarding living together. Much less annoyance and passive aggressivity. There are sometimes where feelings flare up again, but it is very fleeting and not meant to be acted upon. Don’t really see a reason why to initiate anything, the only reason they flare up is because you stay close to each other and you have a history together. So you just have to take it with a pinch of salt.
- I got a bed now, that is a big plus.
- Me and Frederik is not really happening, it was a couple of horrible weeks where I woke up all the time crying and missing him intensely. We just did not seem to want to go in the same direction, I showed in major ways how serious I was about it and meh. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes it doesn’t. And this was obviously one of the latter situations.
- But now it is a bit better, I don’t really “allow” myself to think of him, I surround myself with fun things instead. A lot of laughter and movement helps!
- My sister is pregnant and getting married this summer! That’s amazing. I am going to be an aunt – again!
- I got dropped from the therapyinstitution, but I think it is for the better. Instead of me taking up the time from someone else that they can help much more. I just am done with trying to find ways of “fixing” it. I firmly believe everyone lives with anxieties/depression, just that they live with it instead of focusing only on it.
- So that is what I have started doing, living with it. I go outside, I exercise, I go to the store, I push my own boundaries more. Can’t be bothered trying to find a “miracle”-cure.
Well, that is about it. Pointform has been made. Might start updating more often, need to change my domain name too, ridiculous name is ridiculous.
I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…
Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.
I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.
I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…
Just fuck it all. Everything. Everyone. Me. You. He. She. It. They. Them. Us. Fuck. It. All. Last time I ever fucking say anyfuckingthing. Last time I will ever be fucking honest. Last time I will ever fucking pretend that I am nothing but happy. Last time I ever fucking think I am something other than dirt.
Obviously, with me being in this state, choosing between two people, two relationships, two futures it means I am utterly fucking worthless, I am not allowed or entitled to any opinion or feeling, I am obviously not worthy of these so called human emotions. Because I have lost feelings, because I have doubts about almost everything, because my anxiety is making me useless, because my depression makes me unable to care for myself, because I am shit I am not a person.
I just want to pretend I am happy, lie about my well-being, go back to the old ways, just live with whatever shit I have going on, whatever shit I feel, whatever shit I think. Just not be in this fucking position where I know whatever I do I am in the fucking wrong. I can not rationalize or think about the pain I am causing, because I am not allowed to feel remorse, pity or anything alike, because I am the one causing it. I am the filth making the shiny clean room shitty and messy.
People telling me my happiness counts too, I am important, staying in a relationship based on uncertainty and lies is unfair to the partner, certainly seem to not know how it is to be the literal pile of shit causing everything. If I just reverted everything back, everything would be fucking fine. Everyone would be happy.
Why did I even have to open up? Why did I even take that leap? Why did I ever expect anything to be different to what results I usually receive? Am I even allowed to think this?
Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.
I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!
I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!
I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:
- My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
- Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!
Having withdrawals almost all the time. I guess my habit was to smoke a lot and often, so my body craves it way too often. If I could go back and decide again to start or not, I wouldn’t. Still question the reasoning behind why it i legal and why it shouldn’t be. It is affordable/legal “heroin”, not the same drug or withdrawals obviously, but the way it manifests as an addiction is the same as any other heavy drug. You get the same chemical changes in your body, mind and hormones – and when you quit it, you notice how bad it is for you. I have a tendency to crack on the second day, I really will try to not tomorrow.
I have also been halfsleeping all day to escape the craving. But now when I do not, it hits hard…
On a better note! We made our own baguettes today, Michelle’s with walnutchicken-paste, cucumber and paprika and mine with hummus, cucumber, paprika and tomato. It was tasty and shall be eaten another time!
Oh, I almost forgot to show off my pocket girlfriends. They have new outfits again, got to show them off~! Michelle (huhu, yes, they are all small pocketMichelles, only with different names) to the left is sporting a fancy new pink hairstyle, her magic wind outfit with a lovely new background. Michie to the right is getting cozy and ready for bed!
It is a horrible, horrible, horrible day! Fuuuuck, why is nicotine/tobacco fucking legal from the beginning?! I am almost caving in already to go back to smoking, but not this time, not this time! I will fight it, I hate the fucking coldsweat, the shivering and the fucking anxiety but what I hate more than the withdrawals is taking a smoke and feeling how it kills you from the inside.
I swear, there is no one that actually WANTS to quit. They just do and they just do it. The whole reasoning with “to quit you have to want it too!” is pure bullshit. There is no addict that really, really, really wants to quit the addiction. But they just do it instead, I want to be a just do it person too! I do not want to struggle with the wanting, I just instead don’t and what I do is fighting it instead!
The reason they say the first week is the most horrible is because it is the week that introduce you, a person that has never had withdrawals before, to the withdrawals – not just some of them, all of them… it is pretty much like not exercising and then suddenly exercising everyday – your body, your mind and your hormones get shocked.
The worst part is that the anxiety that my mind and body gets from not getting any nicotine doubles my normal anxiety… not that great and we have a new person coming over for an appointment tomorrow. Just gotta get through it. “Hey hormones, let’s give the person with anxiety disorders more anxiety hohohoho best prank ever!”
Either way, I am taking my first step towards becoming a smoke-free person. Hooray for me!
I accidentally took a pretty decent blogvacation, because I noticed my blog ended up to be about very angry rants about anti-veganism, anti-feminism, transphobia and homophobia – probably much more but those are the big four – and I noticed that I also got genuinely angry whenever I was writing about those subjects, for example: I was intensely pissed off typing the last Q&A and I really do not want to be angry (sure, once in a while a sneaky angry rant will come back into it) but I do not want my blog to be built out of anger.
So now when we got that out of the way, I am back! I intend to write regularly again and I feel refreshed from trying to choose what things will make me angry and what things will just irritate me instead (I have way too many triggers)…obviously I can never get away from being angry at matters clsoe to my heart but I can choose not to react to it and get myself even more riled up. I will react if my friends, family or people in my surroundings make statements out of ignorance but I will not go out of my way to argue about it with strangers. Seems like a good deal, I might break it though – probably sooner than later, that’s so Nela~. At least this deal helps with vegan issues unless something is directed towards me, on the other hand the antifeminism, transphobia/hate and homophobia/hate I WILL NOT tolerate. You should never be silent!