I am a burden

I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…

Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.

I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.

I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…

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I got to move~

This is literally my mood for today. I feel invincible, no anxieties, no brainghosts, nothing out of the norm. I will probably take a walk today too, pretty hyped that I am able to. Probably time to try to start travelling around in the Netherlands, to prepare for the trip back to Sweden.

Been having a positive outlook on things, at least trying to. It seems to be working somewhat and that brings more positivity.

Decent day~

Had a decent day, no mindghosts being all up in my space telling me I will never amount to anything etc. Felt pretty nice to have a day off from that. When you are able to catch the breaks you should embrace them, so I did. I ate an apple for breakfast and enjoyed a nice vanilla and caramel cup of tea. Was really nice, recommended.

I also took a walk on my own today, without suppressors again. I walked in a pretty quick space and a lot, I covered a whole lot of ground. I had the anxiety under the surface reminding me it was still there, a few times I was close to breaking I have to admit. But I didn’t and it felt really good to move around. Then I ate a hummus sandwich for dinner, with thin sliced cucumber and tomato on it.


I phoned my dad a while ago, we talked over Skype and I was telling him about the plans about moving back. I will crash in his kitchen in the beginning, while I am looking for help with the debts in Sweden, a job and a place to live. Brought up dividing some stuff with Michelle, most of our furniture are gifted to us from family but the things we bought together probably has to be divided inbetween us. Will have to bring that up another time and have a sit-down for it.

After the call with my father it overwhelmed me that I am venturing away from the life I built here into uncertainty and unsafety. It made me cry for a couple of minutes, I was just letting my eyes sweep over the room and take it all in. That I had to leave it all. It is just overwhelming, a big step.

Good evening

Well, figured I could do the next post about now. Might be a mix of both happy and depressive. But that is me, a mix between “omfg this gigglemaniac” and “omfg this depressed cunt”.

Well, I am actively receiving help now/again. Going through EMDR, normal therapy and medication to gain anxiety relief. I also have a help-person that comes over to my place, to help me do things, like go outside, cleaning etc. Low motivation make that happen. I really want to go outside sometimes, but the crippling anxiety (I made myself chuckle) hinders me. But I am working on it and I think I am making some kind of progress. Even though they may seem tiny. So I have this going on for me, which is better than nothing.

While I am working on moving back to Sweden. Michelle and I broke up on Christmas Eve, which means that we are living as room-mates until I have the ability to travel back, with Keiko, to Sweden. I have decided to go by train, easier with a catbox. Every break-up is messy, but I think we made a mature decision and we ended it on neutral terms. Just a bit awkward/hard to go back to just being friends, almost lost the ability to do so.

I want to type more emotional content, but I don’t know. Don’t really know how to put it in words. I guess. As said, I don’t know.

Grandma…

One of the big, retardedly big, fucking shatter your world matters that popped on me lately, has been my grandma’s death. She was my biggest support in life, she never put me down and she made me feel like a genuinely good person.

As in I think she was the only one in my family that really knew me, might have been a bit on my side to never open up to others, but when you get put down or ignored many times you just stop because it is not worth the hassle. But grandma was completely different, she could come and pick me up for some forestwalking/mushroom plucking and we would just talk for hours. She alway made time for me and I made time for her.

I got a call from my sister one day, I remember it was right before raidtime on a Sunday. Settled in and was ready to start talking on Discord, saw my phone light up and I saw it was my sister, so I answered. I hear her devastated and very melancholic voice, I instantly know something is wrong and she asks me if I have heard. I ask “heard what?” and she tells me grandma died. I freeze up and blank out. I can not remember much more that was said, more than “ok. ok. mm. bye.”. I turn around to Michelle and say “Grandma is dead.” and then waterworks pop out. Full on bawling, with snot flowing down my chin and the “UAAAAHHH UAAAAAH” sound.

After calming down, I got a call from my father, saying the same thing but with a bit more information. He sounded absolutely broken. We talked a bit, I cried a bit more…

It sucked so hard getting these news, bummed me out for weeks. Still bums me out. I am even more shocked that no one even told me they were going to have a funeral for her etc. Ok, I did try and speak to them but got plainly ignored, and now I have no idea why they did not tell me. I guess it is because “you live in the Netherlands either way, so can’t come that easily” or any other bullshit reason.


Well, that was the first “oh this shit is what is wrong with me”-post. Did not want to type as much as I wanted to from the beginning, but that is because it is still sensitive and added ontop of it, the whole not telling me anything so I have to get to know it over Facebook randomly – if I did not watch at that point, I would NOT have seen it. It triggers me. Fuck.

Slept for 15h, legit got first time high ever yesterday, it helped me sleep. Anxiety levels are off the roof, and I can not take out my meds until Monday. Fuuuuuuuck.

Welcome back Nela~

I am back, after months(?) of not writing down anything I am here to restart the blog. Somewhat at least. This is just a status update more or less. I am still alive, I have not decided to hide out in a bunker and I have not touched the bleach.

Just a lot of stuff going on, as in a lot of garbage, and most of it contains me, as garbage. Either way, I am back – for indefinite time.

Everything is a bit tilted, or well, upside down. I will try and reel it back to normal.

Trash

Just fuck it all. Everything. Everyone. Me. You. He. She. It. They. Them. Us. Fuck. It. All. Last time I ever fucking say anyfuckingthing. Last time I will ever be fucking honest. Last time I will ever fucking pretend that I am nothing but happy. Last time I ever fucking think I am something other than dirt.

Obviously, with me being in this state, choosing between two people, two relationships, two futures it means I am utterly fucking worthless, I am not allowed or entitled to any opinion or feeling, I am obviously not worthy of these so called human emotions. Because I have lost feelings, because I have doubts about almost everything, because my anxiety is making me useless, because my depression makes me unable to care for myself, because I am shit I am not a person.

I just want to pretend I am happy, lie about my well-being, go back to the old ways, just live with whatever shit I have going on, whatever shit I feel, whatever shit I think. Just not be in this fucking position where I know whatever I do I am in the fucking wrong. I can not rationalize or think about the pain I am causing, because I am not allowed to feel remorse, pity or anything alike, because I am the one causing it. I am the filth making the shiny clean room shitty and messy.

People telling me my happiness counts too, I am important, staying in a relationship based on uncertainty and lies is unfair to the partner, certainly seem to not know how it is to be the literal pile of shit causing everything. If I just reverted everything back, everything would be fucking fine. Everyone would be happy.

Why did I even have to open up? Why did I even take that leap? Why did I ever expect anything to be different to what results I usually receive? Am I even allowed to think this?