Juice, cigarettes and a non-bleeding vagina.

Sometimes I just get really tired and annoyed by my body, my private parts especially. Like make up your mind, are you gonna bleed or not? It is such a fucking drag to have this going on. Either I have one period per year with excruciating pain or I have two. Or three one day periods WITH THE SAME PAIN ORDEAL. Or I just fucking orgasm and I cramp out some blood and then nothing. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!

Also yay, 2hours and 30min sleep, because my body decided “YOU GOTTA POOP NOW, NO TIME FOR TOILET”… almost had a situation in bed. So decided to stay up, my body still plays Russian roulette.

Making this post makes me realize how much this actually impacts me, I do not feel stress over it, but I do feel a sort of anxiety for it and a bit guilty that I am probably the one that can not carry on the genes of Mich and me. Even though I know I shouldn’t. I also feel fucking anxiety over that it is my health and that I have to talk open about it to doctors. I KNOW IT IS THEIR JOB DOESN’T MAKE IT LESS AWKWARD.

Also yes, this is a post that will be very intimate in a very quick way. I hope this does not disgust you from reading my blog ever again. I can understand if it does.

I have had issues with my period since I was 14 I think, I suffered a rape trauma so most gynecologists blamed it on mental trauma that it just stopped coming and when it came it came once or twice per year. I have it even now, 10 years later. Fucking amazing right? The doctor is certain that I am not fertile, with that seldom periods and I have been having unsafe sex with Michelle since… I met her. No bun in the oven. Nothing. Only pregnancy scares as in I believed my boobs got bigger, my tummy got harder, I had moodswings – apparently I am just prone to crying sometimes. I guess we all have that.

It is just fucking annoying and depressing to have this kind of malfunction. I went to the doctor a while ago to get a referral to the gynecologist in Sneek but haven’t gotten around to call in to make an appointment, but I should. To “solve” this vagina riddle once and for all. It is depressing to know that we would unlikely be able to be parents for a child of our genes, storing sperm and shooting it up is a thing and I would be for it, if I was fertile. Oh, right it isn’t set in stone yet, but it is highly unlikely that I am ever going to carry a baby. I am all for adoption, both me and Michelle would love the kid the same, because it would still be our child. But I know the process takes long and it is quite tedious with how it is handled by the adoption-centres.

I guess I should count myself lucky even with these derpy private parts, I could have had a three headed monster.