80 different moods throughout the day

This is so damn hard and it really sucks. I have so many moods throughout the whole day and it exhausts me. My medication is not working whatsoever. It is literally the same as before I started it, only that I am tired everyday. I wake up full of anxiety, I barely sleep and if I manage to catch a few hours I can barely manage to wake up. My generic mood throughout the day is apathetic and depressive… and it annoys me. I try to be as fun and cheery as I can be, so I don’t bother anyone. But it gets a bit too much when I am sitting talking and giggling about random shit on Discord while my heart is beating so hard I get chestpains and my brain keeps on imagining many, most very, negative scenarios where shit derails. Which makes me panic and it increases my heartrate further.

I have no idea how to battle this. I don’t know who to talk to other than my therapist, but I can barely manage to talk to her over the phone. She called earlier today to make a new appointment, very intriguing conversation where I mostly sat silent and let her speak. I did manage to squeak out that everything is worse and that I do not think the medication works… so she gave me a new doctor’s appointment and a new EMDR appointment. She asked vaguely if I knew if I would manage to come. But it all depends if I am able to get someone to come with me. Ergh… asking more people to accomodate to me. I know my anxiety and my shitty shit can be annoying to people, I don’t want to be annoying. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t even speak with friends about this, I don’t feel like I can. I barely touch the subject with Frederik, because it scares me. I don’t want to make him get tired of me. I know we have had a pretty bumpy road going on, with Bs and stuff, but I really do not want to lose my most important person… at the same time I feel like I can’t talk to my most important person. It fucking eats me.

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I have realised recently that I have literally no friends down here in the Netherlands, what have I been doing for these five-six years I have lived here? I have had friendly neighbours, but we barely speak nowadays. Probably a bit of my fault for not trying to stay more in contact. I have no one to really rely on, I can’t always expect Michelle to take me places… she has already accomodated so much for me and it is not like we are in a relationship where I can expect her to always help me. I have help-people for this, but they can’t do the days I have to go to the therapist… sadly.

I feel utterly lost in myself.

Trying to talk to the person you like without having any kind of evidence besides your words suck. Being doubted and mistrusted. It is all my own fault. I made the bed, now I have to lay in it.

I might leave the guild I am in, will see after this weeks reset how I feel about it.

Oh, there is also a storm here. 130-140km/h winds.

I got my oxazepam out yesterday. Already through one and a half card. Yay~…

I fucked up

I hurt someone dear to me and I do not know if I deserve the second chance he wants to give me… I think I also lost the respect of a friend, might have even lost the friendship.

I win at life. I win at being a shitty person. I win at hurting people. The more self insight I discover about myself, the more I dislike myself.

I did some drastic changes… to combat my shitty personality and try and make amends.

I am a burden

I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…

Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.

I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.

I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…

Decent day~

Had a decent day, no mindghosts being all up in my space telling me I will never amount to anything etc. Felt pretty nice to have a day off from that. When you are able to catch the breaks you should embrace them, so I did. I ate an apple for breakfast and enjoyed a nice vanilla and caramel cup of tea. Was really nice, recommended.

I also took a walk on my own today, without suppressors again. I walked in a pretty quick space and a lot, I covered a whole lot of ground. I had the anxiety under the surface reminding me it was still there, a few times I was close to breaking I have to admit. But I didn’t and it felt really good to move around. Then I ate a hummus sandwich for dinner, with thin sliced cucumber and tomato on it.


I phoned my dad a while ago, we talked over Skype and I was telling him about the plans about moving back. I will crash in his kitchen in the beginning, while I am looking for help with the debts in Sweden, a job and a place to live. Brought up dividing some stuff with Michelle, most of our furniture are gifted to us from family but the things we bought together probably has to be divided inbetween us. Will have to bring that up another time and have a sit-down for it.

After the call with my father it overwhelmed me that I am venturing away from the life I built here into uncertainty and unsafety. It made me cry for a couple of minutes, I was just letting my eyes sweep over the room and take it all in. That I had to leave it all. It is just overwhelming, a big step.

Grandma…

One of the big, retardedly big, fucking shatter your world matters that popped on me lately, has been my grandma’s death. She was my biggest support in life, she never put me down and she made me feel like a genuinely good person.

As in I think she was the only one in my family that really knew me, might have been a bit on my side to never open up to others, but when you get put down or ignored many times you just stop because it is not worth the hassle. But grandma was completely different, she could come and pick me up for some forestwalking/mushroom plucking and we would just talk for hours. She alway made time for me and I made time for her.

I got a call from my sister one day, I remember it was right before raidtime on a Sunday. Settled in and was ready to start talking on Discord, saw my phone light up and I saw it was my sister, so I answered. I hear her devastated and very melancholic voice, I instantly know something is wrong and she asks me if I have heard. I ask “heard what?” and she tells me grandma died. I freeze up and blank out. I can not remember much more that was said, more than “ok. ok. mm. bye.”. I turn around to Michelle and say “Grandma is dead.” and then waterworks pop out. Full on bawling, with snot flowing down my chin and the “UAAAAHHH UAAAAAH” sound.

After calming down, I got a call from my father, saying the same thing but with a bit more information. He sounded absolutely broken. We talked a bit, I cried a bit more…

It sucked so hard getting these news, bummed me out for weeks. Still bums me out. I am even more shocked that no one even told me they were going to have a funeral for her etc. Ok, I did try and speak to them but got plainly ignored, and now I have no idea why they did not tell me. I guess it is because “you live in the Netherlands either way, so can’t come that easily” or any other bullshit reason.


Well, that was the first “oh this shit is what is wrong with me”-post. Did not want to type as much as I wanted to from the beginning, but that is because it is still sensitive and added ontop of it, the whole not telling me anything so I have to get to know it over Facebook randomly – if I did not watch at that point, I would NOT have seen it. It triggers me. Fuck.

Slept for 15h, legit got first time high ever yesterday, it helped me sleep. Anxiety levels are off the roof, and I can not take out my meds until Monday. Fuuuuuuuck.

Welcome back Nela~

I am back, after months(?) of not writing down anything I am here to restart the blog. Somewhat at least. This is just a status update more or less. I am still alive, I have not decided to hide out in a bunker and I have not touched the bleach.

Just a lot of stuff going on, as in a lot of garbage, and most of it contains me, as garbage. Either way, I am back – for indefinite time.

Everything is a bit tilted, or well, upside down. I will try and reel it back to normal.