Trans*

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I recently adopted the term trans*, it includes every transterm there is. It is really helpful when you talk to people that identifies as anything in the category. It shows that every single
term is important and not everyone is identifying with “transgender” only. Because it might seem like it now when a lot of people are coming forward with being transgendered, but a lot of people that adopt the term trans do not identify as transgender, so the asterik is there to acknowledge said people and not exclude anyone. Yay right!

It is very simple to use and it is not at all required to do so, but it can help people understand you a bit more and you can spread it to others, still not required to use it.

I have very weird moods overall lately, probably ties in with the sleeping pattern, or in my case not sleeping. At some things people write or say I can end up in an angry little ball and just close myself off to those people and keep on getting irritated while playing with/talking to them. Not gonna go deeper into it, don’t really want to have whole confrontation talk. Because I am a coward and tired of having to argue against others’ inconsiderance while they demand your considerance. But if you are really intent on making people understand that you want a different pronoun used for you even if one outer aestethic forces the other noun around, then at least be considerate enough to use the pronouns wanted by other people, it can hurt your feelings and it can hurt others. You are not the exception…

I am in a very weird mood right now and it might taint my blogpost, so will stop it right here. Cyaaa~

Juice, cigarettes and a non-bleeding vagina.

Sometimes I just get really tired and annoyed by my body, my private parts especially. Like make up your mind, are you gonna bleed or not? It is such a fucking drag to have this going on. Either I have one period per year with excruciating pain or I have two. Or three one day periods WITH THE SAME PAIN ORDEAL. Or I just fucking orgasm and I cramp out some blood and then nothing. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!

Also yay, 2hours and 30min sleep, because my body decided “YOU GOTTA POOP NOW, NO TIME FOR TOILET”… almost had a situation in bed. So decided to stay up, my body still plays Russian roulette.

Making this post makes me realize how much this actually impacts me, I do not feel stress over it, but I do feel a sort of anxiety for it and a bit guilty that I am probably the one that can not carry on the genes of Mich and me. Even though I know I shouldn’t. I also feel fucking anxiety over that it is my health and that I have to talk open about it to doctors. I KNOW IT IS THEIR JOB DOESN’T MAKE IT LESS AWKWARD.

Also yes, this is a post that will be very intimate in a very quick way. I hope this does not disgust you from reading my blog ever again. I can understand if it does.

I have had issues with my period since I was 14 I think, I suffered a rape trauma so most gynecologists blamed it on mental trauma that it just stopped coming and when it came it came once or twice per year. I have it even now, 10 years later. Fucking amazing right? The doctor is certain that I am not fertile, with that seldom periods and I have been having unsafe sex with Michelle since… I met her. No bun in the oven. Nothing. Only pregnancy scares as in I believed my boobs got bigger, my tummy got harder, I had moodswings – apparently I am just prone to crying sometimes. I guess we all have that.

It is just fucking annoying and depressing to have this kind of malfunction. I went to the doctor a while ago to get a referral to the gynecologist in Sneek but haven’t gotten around to call in to make an appointment, but I should. To “solve” this vagina riddle once and for all. It is depressing to know that we would unlikely be able to be parents for a child of our genes, storing sperm and shooting it up is a thing and I would be for it, if I was fertile. Oh, right it isn’t set in stone yet, but it is highly unlikely that I am ever going to carry a baby. I am all for adoption, both me and Michelle would love the kid the same, because it would still be our child. But I know the process takes long and it is quite tedious with how it is handled by the adoption-centres.

I guess I should count myself lucky even with these derpy private parts, I could have had a three headed monster.

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Eeeeh…

I really do not feel great today, another crapnight of sleep, tossing and turning unable to fall asleep and tossing and turning unable to wake up while the feeling of being exhausted looms in my body and mind. I might just have to go to the doctor sooner or later. If this doesn’t go away. It is like a disease sneaking up on you, ruining your nights and days. You can still have fun with friends and games and hobbies… but that is with being tired and exhausted in the back of your mind. So the social interaction sucks up the little energy you have left, and there you are, empty and just full of the feeling of running marathons every day.

Instead of … think about …!

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Vegan Sidekick, on Facebook, always knows where the shelves are at!

I am loading up on vegan recipes me and Michelle have made to make a nommy blogpost in like three-four days, will also add the recipes if you want to recreate them. Most of them contain steamed vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli and carrot) because I like eating them so much!

Still working on a lot of drawing inspiration, in a small setback at the moment. I don’t feel like doing anything.

I have a hard time falling asleep, spending almost hours rolling around trying to force myself to fall into slumber, while in the mornings I have an even harder time waking up, it takes so long for me to be able to open my eyes. I do not feel rested and I do not feel that the sleep was particularly any good, which sucks. It manifests itself inside of me as a sort of boredom, where everything bores me and I just want to sit and do nothing, or just lay in bed and forget that there is daylight.

I hope I can get out of this before it creates a big chain reaction for me, I do not feel depressed or anything, it just manifests itself just like a depression. I want to solve my sleeping issues but at the same time I do not want to go to the doctor. I have already been there for other things and I also have contact with the government here in The Netherlands about professional help for my anxiety disorder/s. I just do not want to add another issue ontop of it, I hope it will disappear by itself.