I am a burden

I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…

Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.

I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.

I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…

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Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!

Food & Withdrawals

Having withdrawals almost all the time. I guess my habit was to smoke a lot and often, so my body craves it way too often. If I could go back and decide again to start or not, I wouldn’t. Still question the reasoning behind why it i legal and why it shouldn’t be. It is affordable/legal “heroin”, not the same drug or withdrawals obviously, but the way it manifests as an addiction is the same as any other heavy drug. You get the same chemical changes in your body, mind and hormones – and when you quit it, you notice how bad it is for you. I have a tendency to crack on the second day, I really will try to not tomorrow.

I have also been halfsleeping all day to escape the craving. But now when I do not, it hits hard…


On a better note! We made our own baguettes today, Michelle’s with walnutchicken-paste, cucumber and paprika and mine with hummus, cucumber, paprika and tomato. It was tasty and shall be eaten another time!

Oh, I almost forgot to show off my pocket girlfriends. They have new outfits again, got to show them off~! Michelle (huhu, yes, they are all small pocketMichelles, only with different names) to the left is sporting a fancy new pink hairstyle, her magic wind outfit with a lovely new background. Michie to the right is getting cozy and ready for bed!

First day without nicotine

It is a horrible, horrible, horrible day! Fuuuuck, why is nicotine/tobacco fucking legal from the beginning?! I am almost caving in already to go back to smoking, but not this time, not this time! I will fight it, I hate the fucking coldsweat, the shivering and the fucking anxiety but what I hate more than the withdrawals is taking a smoke and feeling how it kills you from the inside.

I swear, there is no one that actually WANTS to quit. They just do and they just do it. The whole reasoning with “to quit you have to want it too!” is pure bullshit. There is no addict that really, really, really wants to quit the addiction. But they just do it instead, I want to be a just do it person too! I do not want to struggle with the wanting, I just instead don’t and what I do is fighting it instead!

The reason they say the first week is the most horrible is because it is the week that introduce you, a person that has never had withdrawals before, to the withdrawals – not just some of them, all of them… it is pretty much like not exercising and then suddenly exercising everyday – your body, your mind and your hormones get shocked.

The worst part is that the anxiety that my mind and body gets from not getting any nicotine doubles my normal anxiety… not that great and we have a new person coming over for an appointment tomorrow. Just gotta get through it. “Hey hormones, let’s give the person with anxiety disorders more anxiety hohohoho best prank ever!”

Either way, I am taking my first step towards becoming a smoke-free person. Hooray for me!

You are stronger than you think.

We all have been there, when everything feels absolutely awful and you know you are not alright. But before you give up and go down that dark path we all know and have experienced, there is a couple of questions that you can ask yourself to try and get up through it. We will go over them in this blogpost. I have been in an emotional and physical ditch for years, on and off depression and sometimes the depression might just last for a month and sometimes it goes several months until I can get up from it. But I found this and I will try them next time I am starting to feel like I want to be a part of the floor here at home.

Are you hydrated? If not, have a glass of water.
Have you eaten in the past three hours? If not, get some food – something with protein, not just simple carbs. Perhaps some nuts or hummus?
Have you showered in the past day? If not, take a shower right now.
Have you stretched your legs in the past day? If not, do so right now. If you don’t have the energy for a run or trip to the gym, just walka round the block, then keep walking as long as you please. If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.
Have you said something nice to someone in the past day? Do so, whether online or in person. Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.
Have you moved your body to music in the past day? If not, jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite tempo, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.
Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days? If not, do so. Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets. Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you are not imposing on them.
Have you seen a therapist in the past few days? If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.
Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipping doses or a change in generic prescription brand? That may be screwing with your head. Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.
If daytime: are you dressed? If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pyjamas. Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it is a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.
If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep? Put on pajams, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes – no electronic screens allowed. If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.
Do you feel ineffective? Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher or packing your gym bag for your next trip. Good job!
Do you feel unattractive? Take a goddamn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look and you’ll help society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.
Do you feel paralyzed of indecision? Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now and pick something else that seems doable. Right now the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.
Have you over-exerted yourself lately – physically, emotionally, socially or intellectually? That can be a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone or relaxing with some silly entertainment.
Have you waited a week? Sometimes our perception of life is skewed and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there is no ovious external caus. It happens, can not stress this enough. Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.

You’ve made it this far and you will make it through. You are stronger than you think.

Written text from the image here, quality is pretty bad so it hurts your eyes if you try and read it (at least for me).

fewfaw

Self loathing…

A pile of self loathing for the win, am I right? I do not know if it is because of the very bad sleep I have had now for a month and a half, or not, but generally when I can’t sleep I start thinking very dark thoughts. About me, about the relationship between me and Michelle, our future, my situation with my family and friendships overall… I just can’t stop thinking when I am laying there, twisting around, deadtired but unable to sleep. So I keep on spiraling down, I try to maintain a good mood and attitude during the day, but I still feel sad and somewhat drained, emotionally and physically. I get angered a lot by random things, I do laugh when I am having fun, but it tires me out quickly, like really fast.

I start thinking about myself and how much I loathe myself and then I start thinking about why I dislike myself and if I can do something about it, then I get stuck. I keep on imagining stupid scenarios and in every single one of them I do not look like I do in reality. I hate it, I know how to fix it and what to do about it, but then another anxiety jumps in and hinders me from doing so. I can not better my own situation because anxieties refuse to let me. It sounds silly, but if you have something that controls you and your life, you understand.

I can’t even fix it either, in my own opinion I am a fat little fuck and I really need to lose weight, I eat healthy, I do not eat any fat foods and I do not eat stuff randomly just to fix my temptations (nowadays I do, because I am in one of those ditches where I do not give a fuck). I need to get a gyn-appointment, to see what is wrong with my private parts and to find out if I have PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – and if I have, it is really hard for me to lose weight, BAM, another demotivator.

I continue with the really bad thoughts with if I can’t like myself how can Michelle? Then I start thinking about the future and if she transitions well, well enough in her opinion (it is a shallow thing, but she really wants to pass properly as a female and I do not see anything wrong with it, it isn’t forever with her identifying as transgendered and we both know it) and will I be enough? In those years I might not even have been able to properly lose weight, to the point where I feel attractive and comfortable and I would not see how she would be able to get attracted to a lump of fat in that case. Because I wouldn’t. I would love the person behind all the fat, but I wouldn’t be able to get turned on by the idea of rubbing up against an obese person, that might be because I hate my body type to that degree, I do not see anything wrong in other people feeling comfortable but I do really not allow people to say that it is healthy to be that big, because it isn’t. I know myself I am not thaaaat big, but I am slowly getting there and I am NOT healthy, I am not fat shaming, I am just stating that your body is not supposed to be able to live like a fucking blob. Almost like our stomachs are not supposed to digest meat and our bodies can’t handle it, our bodies can’t handle obesity well either. If I was thinner maybe I would be a bit more lenient with my opinion on obesity, and probably be able to see other aspects of it, that obese people might actually be able to be genuinely happy with their bodies and feel healthy. But right now, I detest myself, I detest my obesity and I do not think it is healthy and should not be advocated as healthy.

What if because of my PCOS I can barely lose weight in a span of three years or six? I want to be able to wear clothes I would feel comfortable in or at least fit a wedding dress, I do not think I deserve Michelle as the blob I am nowadays, how will it be in the future? I do not know. I just do not know and it haunts me. It fucking haunts me.

I want to be a better me and I want to be comfortable being me. But all my anxieties and my own willpower fucks me over.

I want to be able to sleep normally, I want to be able to fall asleep, I want to be able to wake up, I want to be able to be the normal Nela. I want to be able to be the one who I want to be… I want to be the Nela Michelle sees and can be proud of. I want to be able to walk next to her without feeling like I do not belong.

I can’t even put on make up without feeling that it is a waste, no amount of paint will help me to feel “pretty”. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without going “is this really me….?”. I want to get a haircut without knowing I do not look good in it. I want to look stylish without looking like my fat is slowly eating my clothes…