Well, hello.

I am back, after a turmoiled filled month away from the blog, I am again back at it. I am in a much better place now than I was before. Events have gone past with a lot of hello’s, goodbye’s and neutral standpoints. Oh, what’s that? Pointform?! Yes.

  • Me and Michelle are still living together, preparing to move back to Sweden during summer. She will probably travel with me, then go on a vacation to meet some friends in Sweden. Will probably be pretty fun, just need to invest in an ID – got a lot of information of it, just need to book a time at the Swedish embassy.
  • Life is a bit easier now, at least regarding living together. Much less annoyance and passive aggressivity. There are sometimes where feelings flare up again, but it is very fleeting and not meant to be acted upon. Don’t really see a reason why to initiate anything, the only reason they flare up is because you stay close to each other and you have a history together. So you just have to take it with a pinch of salt.
  • I got a bed now, that is a big plus.
  • Me and Frederik is not really happening, it was a couple of horrible weeks where I woke up all the time crying and missing him intensely. We just did not seem to want to go in the same direction, I showed in major ways how serious I was about it and meh. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes it doesn’t. And this was obviously one of the latter situations.
  • But now it is a bit better, I don’t really “allow” myself to think of him, I surround myself with fun things instead. A lot of laughter and movement helps!
  • My sister is pregnant and getting married this summer! That’s amazing. I am going to be an aunt – again!
  • I got dropped from the therapyinstitution, but I think it is for the better. Instead of me taking up the time from someone else that they can help much more. I just am done with trying to find ways of “fixing” it. I firmly believe everyone lives with anxieties/depression, just that they live with it instead of focusing only on it.
  • So that is what I have started doing, living with it. I go outside, I exercise, I go to the store, I push my own boundaries more. Can’t be bothered trying to find a “miracle”-cure.

Well, that is about it. Pointform has been made. Might start updating more often, need to change my domain name too, ridiculous name is ridiculous.

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80 different moods throughout the day

This is so damn hard and it really sucks. I have so many moods throughout the whole day and it exhausts me. My medication is not working whatsoever. It is literally the same as before I started it, only that I am tired everyday. I wake up full of anxiety, I barely sleep and if I manage to catch a few hours I can barely manage to wake up. My generic mood throughout the day is apathetic and depressive… and it annoys me. I try to be as fun and cheery as I can be, so I don’t bother anyone. But it gets a bit too much when I am sitting talking and giggling about random shit on Discord while my heart is beating so hard I get chestpains and my brain keeps on imagining many, most very, negative scenarios where shit derails. Which makes me panic and it increases my heartrate further.

I have no idea how to battle this. I don’t know who to talk to other than my therapist, but I can barely manage to talk to her over the phone. She called earlier today to make a new appointment, very intriguing conversation where I mostly sat silent and let her speak. I did manage to squeak out that everything is worse and that I do not think the medication works… so she gave me a new doctor’s appointment and a new EMDR appointment. She asked vaguely if I knew if I would manage to come. But it all depends if I am able to get someone to come with me. Ergh… asking more people to accomodate to me. I know my anxiety and my shitty shit can be annoying to people, I don’t want to be annoying. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t even speak with friends about this, I don’t feel like I can. I barely touch the subject with Frederik, because it scares me. I don’t want to make him get tired of me. I know we have had a pretty bumpy road going on, with Bs and stuff, but I really do not want to lose my most important person… at the same time I feel like I can’t talk to my most important person. It fucking eats me.

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I have realised recently that I have literally no friends down here in the Netherlands, what have I been doing for these five-six years I have lived here? I have had friendly neighbours, but we barely speak nowadays. Probably a bit of my fault for not trying to stay more in contact. I have no one to really rely on, I can’t always expect Michelle to take me places… she has already accomodated so much for me and it is not like we are in a relationship where I can expect her to always help me. I have help-people for this, but they can’t do the days I have to go to the therapist… sadly.

I feel utterly lost in myself.

I am a burden

I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…

Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.

I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.

I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…

So triggered right now…

Ahh, haven’t been triggered in a long time, so here I am again! Triggering away.

Well, this time it is a very legit reason to why my fuse was blown. Michelle’s guild in WoW… not the most LGBTQ+ friendly guild there is. I can take that. I can ignore it, I can. I really… really can – although with a lot of struggles but I can if I just put my mind to it. Unless it is turned towards Michelle. It just… makes me see red.

Usually a good friend of mine is a good stop button, I do not take it further and I do not contact the people I hear/read/know is being ignorant/bigotted. Because I know Michelle has talked with them personally about it, but they just do not seem to care.

This time it is them misgendering her and still calling her an old name she really wants to get removed from herself. I know people feel that respect should be earned, but I think it is a basic human right to receive the tiniest amount of respect someone can muster up, at the very least be respected enough to be called their preferred pronouns and names.

The reason I am not contacting the people are mostly because I do not want people to have hostile feelings against Michelle because of me. I really do not want to cause more problems for Michelle than necessary, but this is just something that hits every single trigger in me. It is so darn disrespectful and utterly ignorant.

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It is NOT hard.
It is harder for the person being misgendered and disrespected than it is for YOU to adjust one single word. It is NOT up for debate.

I’m coming straight on for yooouuuu~

We watched a movie a while ago, called “Strange Magic”. Really enjoyed it, love musicals and animated flicks, so when you mix them up… you hit my spot. The voices, the voice acting and the characters were absolutely stunning, the artwork and backgrounds superb and I lived it… I LIVED IT! Well, not really, but it made me very hyper and I can’t stop listening to the songs:

The expressions of the characters in this movie is just amazingly well done!


I had my appointment with the psychologist that came over here today. It was both meh and good. Not leaning towards either, pretty steady in the middle I would say. We are going to contact that institution again that handles anxiety disorders and have way more experience with it than a normal psychologist. Plus they are all psychiatrists, so they are allowed to prescribe medication. Literally everything I have done to help myself or stop the anxieties I have, have done nothing. So if it would help to receive medication I am all in for it to be honest.

We talked for two hours or so, she scribbled down some stuff in her book and then left. I notified her about my currently apathetic state and that I do feel short bursts of anxiety instead of waking up and feeling it instantly. Because that is how bad it became, I woke up from a nice night of sleep and felt anxiety as soon as I gained consciousness. Which I do not understand why I did, I have no reason to and my anxieties have no reason to become worse either… I just hope that when I get out of this depression that it won’t come back as severe as it was.

I really do not want to cause more trouble for Michelle, the government or for myself. There is that looming sad threat about that they might re-review my case file and decide to pop me out of the country. But it is my home! So I rather not create more disturbance…


I am slowly tackling Dutch again, I have a newbie friend with me this time. He is British and wants to learn a second language and decided for Dutch. So hopefully we can help each other. We are having the darndest fun typing and saying random sentences to each other. It is easier when you have someone with the same experience and progress as you, it has always been a minor annoyance for me when I can not speak properly like I hear it so workign with a fullfledged Dutchling is not optimal for me. It is fun, yes, but it frustrates me that I do not progress quick and I have it the most with pronounciation… so hearing flawless pronounciation is not helping!

We are going into Amsterdam tomorrow, twice this month actually!

Hello.

I am back, I have no idea why I stopped writing, or well I do. I guess this is what this blogpost will be about… and some new images of how we moved around furniture in our house. Can’t end it on a bad note! Or a sad note.

Well, for a couple of months now I have been not feeling quite… tiptop. It feels more or less like a depression, but the symptoms are completely different. I can feel it undermining every thought I have but it does not take over, like usual. I laugh, I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel anger but… not lasting. Because at the end the state of my mind is unstable enough to be apathetic. But not a full-time apathy, which confuses me. Is this a depression or is this something else? I have heavy experience with depressions and it feels like one, but it does not appear like one.

It is weird, but at the same time pretty nice. It dulls my anxiety, and I thank it for that. My anxiety was getting worse to the point where I felt it everyday and for small mundane tasks such as getting people over, talking to people over the internet… my biggest new anxiety that surfaced was to appear vulnerable infront of people. I guess it took such a toll on my body that it ended with it shutting down, to this state. I don’t like it but at the same time I do. Michelle joked about that this might be the rest of my life, free from anxiety. But I do not want this thing eating at me whenever I do not occupy myself with something different all the time…

Meh, either way I will be very honest to the person coming to “help” (still very skeptical about her ability to do so, but it is an alternative to nothing. I ended up not going to the people that specialize in anxiety disorders and they said they would call to make a new appointment, but that was years ago) me on the first September, and tell her that this is how it is now and what is she going to do to try and help me.


On another note, we remodelled the house a bit. We moved the bed downstairs, the bookcases out to the dining corner and moved the table to a different wall. It all looks so fancy and nice now!

Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!