A small Q&A #3…

Well, back to the segment! Let’s handle those hard and tough questions that everyone seems to care about… First part: A small Q&A #1… and second part: A small Q&A #2….


The genitalia what is gonna happen?” … oh how many times haven’t we gotten this as a first reaction? Why can’t people just be happy that Michelle is finally aiming for her own happiness and quality of life? No, it is all about the genitalia. Frankly, it is not anyones’ goddamn business what will be/is/was in anyones’ pants. But to be more precise, because this blog is more personal and detailed I feel an obligation to do so.

Michelle’s dysphoria is not against her own penis, it is her overall body, the sex she was born in and how she perceives herself. So she will not go through with the reassignment surgery, IF in the future that she feels that her penis is the last part that contributes to her depressive side, then she will go through with it and for my own part, I do not care that much. I did not fall in love with her penis, I did not get engaged with her penis. Sure there will be a big change, considering how it will be in our sex life, but we will try to find more ways to connect mentally, physically and emotionally. I am looking forward to it! If it now happens.

Her dysphoria goes even a bit deeper than just “I need to remove it”, she can not perceive the surgery as something that will give her happiness, she just wants to have been born as a CIS female. I do not know the struggle but I imagine plenty of trans* already goes through this too and can recognize it. The surgery can make people happy and it can also aid their negative thoughts…


Are you sure HE is not just gay?” Ok, because anyone volunteerily goes through this just so people can remark on their sexuality… well, we are quite sure SHE is gay, but would prefer to be labelled as a pansexual – genitalia does not matter, like it apparently does in your world – nothing wrong with that, but do not expect everyone to see it like you do, it is called common sense… and you refusing to use the pronouns Michelle feels comfortable with shows me that you are a very disrespectful person and I would probably not want you close to me or her.


Wow, you do fucking everything to get attention…“… What? Did you really trample all over Michelle and her bravery just because you think she does it for the attention? NO ONE would go through intense depression, suicidal thoughts and identity issues, confusion volunteerily, and then finally being able to be who they are and here you fucking come and step on them? Oh, if I wasn’t against violence… I would smack that bigotted head right off your neck, must be quite a burden to be that fucking retarded. Try to view the world in a more positive and less distrusting way and you might make progress as an individual.

I know this segment got a bit heated, sorry for losing my temper, but it is still stuff I do get angry over because it is such a sign of disrespect and bad character, you should cut people like this out of your life as soon as possible.


Well, there was one big and two smaller segments, I got furious typing them and now I need to calm down for a while. This might be the end of the Q&A – sorry and not sorry. There isn’t anything more to type about it and the general questions that people seem to give a shit about got answered now.

Sorry to you nice folks reading, I know you wish her well and us happiness, I wish it back, hugs and kisses! There will be more blogposts about me and Michelle in the future, less negativity more positivity!

A small Q&A #2…

Ohai there again, there will be two big segments like last time. Let’s dive in! For newer readers this is a serie of blogposts where I will answer questions, thoughts and just random pondering (from outside, me, Michelle, generic sources) about Michelle, trans*, our relationship and so on. It is based on what I have gotten asked to myself, what have been asked to Michelle and general ideas and thoughts I have come up with. Here is the earlier segment: A small Q&A #1…A small Q&A #1…. Oh, where to start? We covered a tiny chunk last time.


“Have you or Michelle lost contact with friends/family after she came out officially?” Yes. I have lost a couple and Michelle too, but our families are standing at our side, thankfully. I lost a few with just them being very rude about it and asking very poor formulated questions which I took offense too, I tried to be very polite about it but their attitudes did not change and it was a mutual agreement to remove each other from each others’ lives. Some just sneaky cut me off from FB after her big announcement, if I can’t remember who I probably wasn’t that close friends with them either (I have like 60~ friends currently – mostly family and friends from Sweden – and it dropped from 68~).

I think Michelle lost a lot of people, but they also were very rude about her coming out as trans* and asking people to use her new name and female pronouns – this is literally a simple act of respect, if you can’t even do this… anyway, the losses were few but we got such great support from the people that remained that it doesn’t even matter. You should not surround yourself with negativity generally.


“Lesbians now?” I guess now we could classify us as lesbians, but that restricts the personal knowledge we have. I do not get only attracted to females and neither does Michelle. First of all, we do not even get attracted to the genitalia, sex is just sex, but when you mix personality, individualism, an unspeakable bond with sex you get such a meaningful experience. You value the person based on them, not based on their junk.

It is such a freeing experience and way of life, when you stop thinking in only male-female perspectives, you think in a bigger and more person-based perspective instead. It has helped me value people more and value my relationship with Michelle much, much more. You also realize that the stereotypes each gender has been given are so unfair and not at all realistic – but I think this part ties in with almost every ideal you might have that promotes open minds and progressive thinking, not only being a pansexual.

Sexual acts do not only have to be about rubbing or penetrating, sex can be so much more sensual and the sensual sexlife we already have might get even more heightened in the future, which I am looking hella’ forward to. Wink~

Either way, as far as labels go, we are pannies by heart. No gender construct tying our feelings down. I know I have brought this up multiple times, but you do not understand how much I stress this to people and they still ask me if I enjoy munching the rug now and if all the boycraze in earlier years disappeared to (yeah… I do not remember it like that, I remember being confused and trying to hook up with guys just to prove that I am not abnormal, yet another post right there I think).


Look forward to the next part~!

Michie’s number one fear…

I can’t really speak for her, but discussing and talking a lot with her has revealed a couple of things. Even if I am as supportive and helpful as I can be during her transition, struggle and journey, there will always be that fear of abandonment. One of her old ex girlfriends did that to her and it is one of her biggest fears and even though she feels somewhat safe with me, it is still there.

Even during all our make up sessions, all our hair styling, all our clothes shopping… she has a fear of me up and leaving in the future, sooner or later. To just be like her old girlfriend and be very encouraging and helpful in the beginning, accepting her for who she is and then suddenly disappear, because it is a dealbreaker and she can not be with another “girl”.

I completely understand that everyone has their own sexuality and preference, but at the same time I don’t. I would hope you would at least love the person for who they are, not for what is between their legs! But that is just me, I know. I know that it is an unreasonable demand.

I do not know how to combat her fear, only with just staying with her, because I know myself I do love her and that will not change. But her unconscious can not know that, even if she keeps telling herself that this might be it… I just hope that with time I will prove that fear wrong.

I know she had terrible nightmares before about me just up and leaving her, I think they are gone now, but she will never… really know for sure that this is it. No one can really, neither can I. I just put my hope and faith into it, just some people put their faith in God and some others put their faith in destiny. I put my faith in myself and I hope to make my own so called destiny worthwhile, for me and for her. Michelle is my family, I do not want her to feel this insecurity and fear. I know that feelings can slowly dissipate sometimes, but in this case it feels like I fall more and more every day, we bond continuously and the bond goes stronger and stronger. I hope I will never be the cause of her despair…

I know a lot of trans* coming out individuals fear this moment the most, because there is always that vague insecurity and fear that even if people say they are alright with it and push forward, that suddenly they will realize that their feelings have cooled off and the relationship is not for them. I had my fair share of abandonment fears, you can never really get rid off them. Even with complete trust, your unconscious is always afraid that you are not enough, you are not acceptable as the person you are. I just hope that in the future, when we are old and gray haired, we can look back at this insecurity and laugh at it.

A small Q&A #1…

I know there have been a lot of questions (and thoughts) and I made a FAQ before about Michelle, transgender, our relationship and everything around it. But I will go in a bit deeper today, and explore all the things I can think of that people might wonder, and hope this blogposts answers the thoughts, that I at least can come up with. Might be some other things people want answered, obviously it is completely fine to ask and hopefully get it answered. There might only be two “questions” or so answered, because all of the questions I have gotten and I can think of are huge subjects, do not want to drag on the reading part.


Well, first I think we should dwell into the whole “when did she know she was transgender” question. I, as a CIS female, do not know the struggle of trans*, when it begins or when someone realizes such. But I have talked a lot about it with Michelle, her mother/family in general and a lot of friends we both have in common. Based on that I would say an early age, already very feminime as a child but her mother did not explore the trans* matter, in that time there was no such thing as awareness for it and no one could really instantly think about it, like nowadays where parents can immediately recognize if their child is unhappy and based on a throughout research and therapy it might get solved before puberty. Michelle did not have that luxury, like so many others.

She always knew she was a bit on the not-normal-side but did not know how to express it. I met her during her first hormone-attempt (best I can call it, she quit it when she moved to Sweden, it was like an escape for her) and I started growing feelings towards this person, even with all her struggles, and imagined a lot of what could be. Sadly, at this point she did not harbor any kind of interest for me, but that is a whole different story.

Already at tween-years I think she knew, most of her girlfriends after that point fucked her over quite hard. She had abandonment issues, severe dysphoria – like most cases of trans* – and ended up staying inside everyday playing WoW (it is a great escape from reality) and was thinking about suicide. She was able to be put on hormones and that is when I started to get to know her.

So to keep to the answer… very early I think she knew, but after puberty she went into to transitioning – and stopped and now transitioning again.


The second part of the Q&A I guess will try and respond to the whole “but your relationship?”. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and trust, we both want to continue it, whatever gender we both may be does not matter to us. We both consider ourselves pansexuals, we do not love each other for our genitals even if they are quite good at their jobs – the loss of her penis (if she decides for it, will probably be answered in another little segment) does not really pain or sadden me, we could explore toys and so many new ways to connect physically and emotionally.

This whole ordeal makes it hard for me to understand how someone can go from loving a person to when said person transitions/tells the lover about their trans* that they suddenly go completely cold and can’t be with the person. I understand the logic, but at the same time I do not. It is quite painful to see that so many other people do not have the luxury of a partner that will love them for who they truely are. You can’t blame either one either, even though you want to. It is their personal choice and is in most cases based on their sexual attraction.

We will continue our engagement, but lay off the wedding until Michelle feels and sees that her transition is well enough. We both know that the hormone therapy will be a very tricky and awkward part, it is a second puberty for Michelle literally. But that gives me time to achieve my goals for our mutual wedding image. I just want to support her through it all without rushing into something she does not want to do – and I know for sure that she does want to look attractive on our wedding day. She wants to simply look pass-able as a woman, and a decent looking woman at that. Based on her genes she will be a very pretty girl, which would not matter to me, but it does matter to her so I respect that. The wedding will come, in time.

So to conclude the segment: we are staying together, we love each other dearly and I would not give up our bond for anything.


Thank you for reading, in a short while the next part will be posted (mostly when I have the time to type it all down. As said, it is a lot).

Nails and cutie!

We did some nail manicure for Michi today, forgot to file them down though, so they have the jagged edge from biting them still, but they look nice with the really baby pink polish and glitter.

We also tried a different hairstyle, a semi-high pony tail with only bangs and a bit of pulled out hair, might try another style next time~.

“Look at the hair on my fingers, time to get rid of them!” – Michelle 2016

Birthday celebrations

Well, sorry about yesterday I guess. I did not sleep for a whole night and I guess it amplified all the negative feelings I was carrying around, which resulted in a really big pity party post. Sorry, but not sorry, it is a personal blog after all!

Going to a friend today with Michelle, to celebrate his early birthday (he celebrates it officially tomorrow, but we are coming early). So gotta shower soon, help Michelle with her make up and then head out to the bus. Scary right? It is for Michelle, a little bit at least. But sometime you gotta go “full time” according to the transition therapy, sure she is not in the therapy now, but we can help the therapy a long way by already going full time. Michi’s mom will be bringing us home in the evening, buses stop going around six on the weekend, and staying only three hours on a Dutch birthday, nah, that is not appropiate. So she is going to pick us up and take us home afterwards.

So anyway, got to go and prepare ourselves, we still have some time to just chill around, but better be already done than rushing the procedures with showering, hair styling and make up!