Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!
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Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

Celebrated mem’s birthday!

No, not my own mom, but my other own mom! As in Michelle’s mother. She is like a second mother to me, so I figured I could call her secretly mem (fries for mother). I told her that I loved her as a second mother today, she got really happy and I got all fuzzy and warm inside, felt nice to express it. She has done so much for both of us and she is like a rock in a very wavy ocean for me sometimes.

We celebrated it at their place, with her mother, father and sister there. Michelle came dressed as herself and it was a surprise for the others. They handled it well, a lot of staring went on though but I do not think it was malicious. Probably just surprised, Michie’s grandmother kept going on about how beautiful she was. Makes me happy to hear!

They left after three-four hours of just socializing, eating snacks and drinking wine. When I three-kissed the grandma goodbye I got a heavy longing for my own grandmother, I guess she just has that aura. We enjoyed two more hours just talking about a lot of things with Michie’s mother and Frans.

It wasn’t a lot of vegan options in the beginning and I did not want to be an inconvenience and say anything, I felt it was very impolite but Michelle did anyway and they brought out cherry tomatoes and some nuts for me, yay! That and some very spicy olives, for once I actually enjoyed eating olives, might be time to try normal ones again? Your tastebuds do change.

We talked a lot about pansexuality, trans*, Michelle – everything about her, including transitioning etc, families, opinions from others, insecurities, sexualities overall… a lot of subjects bounced around.

Doggies were fun obviously, very cute and cozy to pat and hug. Intensely cute!

My family is coming down again this summer, in two-three weeks, grandma is coming down too – yay!

New shoes!

Michelle’s new shoes arrived, yay! And my manga, volume 2 “Citrus”. So now the collection does not look that awkward in the bookcase, so instead of 1-3-4 there is 1-2-3-4 now! Awww yes! Still waiting for the volume 1 of “The Earl and The Fairy” though, but it will come when it will come.

The shoes look really nice, and they did not pinch at all when she was walking around. One smaller heel and one a bit bigger, so now she has four different shoes with different height heels on. She has to train a lot to be able to walk naturally in heels, pretty much everyone does. I remember my first time, I just strapped on my sisters 15cm high heels and waltzed around, I think I sprained my foot the first time because I sidestepped and the heel just went to the side making my foot twist.

Well, either way she will not learn the hard way (she can already walk pretty good in them, no bending of the knees or walking with your toe-plateau first) but just gotta make it look a bit more natural, as if she was born with heels on!

How to cover that pesky beardshadow! #mtf #trans*

We recently discovered a better way of covering 5 o’clock shadow on Michie, and we had way more improvements with it than with just padding on more and more foundation to try and hide it. I will walk you through it step by step, it might not come as news for you but for some that reads it might be a game changer!

First, you need to cover your 5 o’clock beardshadow with a lipstick, a matte one. Now you wonder “but why lipstick?”, apparently there is pigment in the lipstick that will hide the grayish/blueish tone of your shadow really well under foundation. We tried a bright red lipstick, no glitter or shimmer, just a normal one. But I recommend an orange-towards-the-beige one, we had issues with a very pinkish tone with the foundation and had to apply three layers to go back to natural face colour.

It does not need to be a very thick layer, just draw some lines with the lipstick and use a make up sponge or pad to pull it out to cover. It can be a bit see through and don’t worry about the brightness of it, it will be covered.

After you have applied the lipstick you have to wait for it to dry up and set in. When that is done you start applying foundation, take a click of it on your pad/brush and draw lines close to your jawline, the shadow is the worst to hide there for Michelle, might not be for you, but it gives you a better way to work it up.

Start padding it in, no lines with the brush/pad you are using, if you start pulling it upwards or down it will take the lipstick with it and integrate it with the foundation and it will be even harder to hide the shadow. Just pad it in gently, the line you drew will have to up towards your cheekbones, half way over your chin and mouth arc, and then down over your throat (this will be hard to not make a big foundation line, but do not worry, you will fix that after you have gotten your face on).

You do it on both sides, after you have successfully covered your shadow – might take one to three applications of foundation layers you have to start working on your T-shape (forehead and nose), when you have successfully gotten a unified colour for your whole face you can start working on getting it on your neck too. Do not apply foundation to your neck, do it under your chin and jawbone, you will have to pad it downwards.

When that has been done to satisfaction, start trying to remove/pad your neck to make it look more natural, watch out to not remove foundation over your shadow, that will be hell to fix.

I suppose you are done now with the neck, take a look in the mirror, if your shadow is completely gone good job! If not, try and add another layer of foundation (do not use bronzing or darker powder on your 5 o’clock shadow, it will make it stand out again sadly). But you can very simply take a matte nude powder alike to your foundation to remove shine, just brush very gently and very soft over everything to not remove foundation and your cover lipstick.

You are done! Now you can do whatever you want, welcome to the world of make up!

Michelle welcomes you to the side of the magic!

Amsterdam & new manga!

We have been ordering clothes, make up and manga all around this month. Received a whole lot of money and still incoming more. 300~ from my zorgtoeslag (“care allowance” from the money I pay to my insurance, it is kinda like getting huurtoeslag – “rent allowance”, toeslag*) and incoming vacation money this future week.

*toeslag – to put it simple, you get a percentage back for rent and insurance that you pay. Our rent here is 380 euros and we get back 180 euros per month for our huurtoeslag.

So we ordered a lot of nice clothes for Michelle – both that she can wear right now and some she can wear after a couple of years on HRT. We also bought a new fabulous mascara which is absolutely amazing, the company is sadly not vegan but it is cruelty free (Charlotte Tilbury false eyelashes). We bought some eye shadows too, can’t remember from where now.

Obviously I jumped the gun and bought a bulk of manga, I am not even done! I have four volumes of a completed manga to buy when our vacation money hits too. I bought four volumes of Suki-tte Ii Na Yo – also known as Say I Love You in English (it is hella weird to look up manga and anime by their English names, at least for me) – and four volumes of Citrus. Citrus were ordered first but the first and second volume was out of stock so they have to backorder it, baaah, it is taking a lot of time. But I already got my other, and the next manga collection I am going for is The Earl and The Fairy.


We went to Amsterdam today, for an intake at the gender dysphoria clinic. We were not in the middle of Amsterdam – a bit sad – but the hospital there was huge and bustling with both life and colour. Very vibrant!

The wait time after this now is so long, she also has another appointment at another gender dysphoria clinic (which I mentioned in another post) and we have decided that if she does not hear antyhing from the clinic in Amsterdam before July she will go also go on an appointment at the other clinic, they might be faster at getting it done. She is tired of waiting, she has waited her whole life for it already. I can understand her frustration, you want it now obviously and not later when you aren’t as pass-able.

We saw a lot of genuinely interesting people at the clinic waiting room, i know there is a lot of discussion about FTM not being so outwards and talkative about it, but we saw more FTM than MTF there – at least at the time we were there.

Two options

Oh, awkward, we got a big envelope – quite heavy in weight – today or yesterday, we picked it up today from our hall way floor, yes we are not down there that often, and it is another appointment at the other trans* department (Netherlands have two different ones, one in Amsterdam and one in Groningen) about another appointment.

It is an appointment where if she goes she can start everything immediately, but she went there the first time before we met in real life and they declined her based on her five o’ clock shadow (which you can not do anything about if you yourself do not have any foundation knowledge, which she did not) and they told her: “obviously you are not transgender, you are not even trying”… so she does NOT want to go there based on that memory. So her usual doctor prescribed the hormones instead, she did not know what else she could do – I think it was more or less a thoughtpattern of if Michelle did not get help there was a suicide risk. Which I know it was.

So she can pick and choose now where to go, but we decided Amsterdam anyway. Because that memory is still haunting her. And who doesn’t want to go to the capital? Woopwoop, never been there so will be fun to check it out! Might move closer to it in the future, but right now we will have to settle for once a month. Sometimes our help person will driveu s, sometimes Michelle’s mother and sometimes we are going to stay over there at a hotel. Will have to ask our neighbor to be a catsitter, but it will only be two days then.

This month we are getting our vacation money, we will be selling our fridge to Michelle’s mother and her husband, and buying a smaller one which we can have up in the kitchen. We are also getting their old oven/stove, because they are renovating their whole kitchen into a completely new one. So cool!

So we got a lot going on right now, I have already bought four volumes of a yuri/shoujo ai manga, hihi. I got plans when the vacation money hits I will buy four volumes from Suki-tte Ii Na Yo (Say I Love You) and the volumes are three to six, gotta continue on the collection. Then when we sell our fridge I will buy the complete four volumes of The Earl and The Fairy!

And Michelle will be buying clothes, shoes and a new computer chair. We have already invested in a bunch of summer clothes for her, going to get them this week!