Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!

Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

Celebrated mem’s birthday!

No, not my own mom, but my other own mom! As in Michelle’s mother. She is like a second mother to me, so I figured I could call her secretly mem (fries for mother). I told her that I loved her as a second mother today, she got really happy and I got all fuzzy and warm inside, felt nice to express it. She has done so much for both of us and she is like a rock in a very wavy ocean for me sometimes.

We celebrated it at their place, with her mother, father and sister there. Michelle came dressed as herself and it was a surprise for the others. They handled it well, a lot of staring went on though but I do not think it was malicious. Probably just surprised, Michie’s grandmother kept going on about how beautiful she was. Makes me happy to hear!

They left after three-four hours of just socializing, eating snacks and drinking wine. When I three-kissed the grandma goodbye I got a heavy longing for my own grandmother, I guess she just has that aura. We enjoyed two more hours just talking about a lot of things with Michie’s mother and Frans.

It wasn’t a lot of vegan options in the beginning and I did not want to be an inconvenience and say anything, I felt it was very impolite but Michelle did anyway and they brought out cherry tomatoes and some nuts for me, yay! That and some very spicy olives, for once I actually enjoyed eating olives, might be time to try normal ones again? Your tastebuds do change.

We talked a lot about pansexuality, trans*, Michelle – everything about her, including transitioning etc, families, opinions from others, insecurities, sexualities overall… a lot of subjects bounced around.

Doggies were fun obviously, very cute and cozy to pat and hug. Intensely cute!

My family is coming down again this summer, in two-three weeks, grandma is coming down too – yay!

New shoes!

Michelle’s new shoes arrived, yay! And my manga, volume 2 “Citrus”. So now the collection does not look that awkward in the bookcase, so instead of 1-3-4 there is 1-2-3-4 now! Awww yes! Still waiting for the volume 1 of “The Earl and The Fairy” though, but it will come when it will come.

The shoes look really nice, and they did not pinch at all when she was walking around. One smaller heel and one a bit bigger, so now she has four different shoes with different height heels on. She has to train a lot to be able to walk naturally in heels, pretty much everyone does. I remember my first time, I just strapped on my sisters 15cm high heels and waltzed around, I think I sprained my foot the first time because I sidestepped and the heel just went to the side making my foot twist.

Well, either way she will not learn the hard way (she can already walk pretty good in them, no bending of the knees or walking with your toe-plateau first) but just gotta make it look a bit more natural, as if she was born with heels on!

How to cover that pesky beardshadow! #mtf #trans*

We recently discovered a better way of covering 5 o’clock shadow on Michie, and we had way more improvements with it than with just padding on more and more foundation to try and hide it. I will walk you through it step by step, it might not come as news for you but for some that reads it might be a game changer!

First, you need to cover your 5 o’clock beardshadow with a lipstick, a matte one. Now you wonder “but why lipstick?”, apparently there is pigment in the lipstick that will hide the grayish/blueish tone of your shadow really well under foundation. We tried a bright red lipstick, no glitter or shimmer, just a normal one. But I recommend an orange-towards-the-beige one, we had issues with a very pinkish tone with the foundation and had to apply three layers to go back to natural face colour.

It does not need to be a very thick layer, just draw some lines with the lipstick and use a make up sponge or pad to pull it out to cover. It can be a bit see through and don’t worry about the brightness of it, it will be covered.

After you have applied the lipstick you have to wait for it to dry up and set in. When that is done you start applying foundation, take a click of it on your pad/brush and draw lines close to your jawline, the shadow is the worst to hide there for Michelle, might not be for you, but it gives you a better way to work it up.

Start padding it in, no lines with the brush/pad you are using, if you start pulling it upwards or down it will take the lipstick with it and integrate it with the foundation and it will be even harder to hide the shadow. Just pad it in gently, the line you drew will have to up towards your cheekbones, half way over your chin and mouth arc, and then down over your throat (this will be hard to not make a big foundation line, but do not worry, you will fix that after you have gotten your face on).

You do it on both sides, after you have successfully covered your shadow – might take one to three applications of foundation layers you have to start working on your T-shape (forehead and nose), when you have successfully gotten a unified colour for your whole face you can start working on getting it on your neck too. Do not apply foundation to your neck, do it under your chin and jawbone, you will have to pad it downwards.

When that has been done to satisfaction, start trying to remove/pad your neck to make it look more natural, watch out to not remove foundation over your shadow, that will be hell to fix.

I suppose you are done now with the neck, take a look in the mirror, if your shadow is completely gone good job! If not, try and add another layer of foundation (do not use bronzing or darker powder on your 5 o’clock shadow, it will make it stand out again sadly). But you can very simply take a matte nude powder alike to your foundation to remove shine, just brush very gently and very soft over everything to not remove foundation and your cover lipstick.

You are done! Now you can do whatever you want, welcome to the world of make up!

Michelle welcomes you to the side of the magic!

Amsterdam & new manga!

We have been ordering clothes, make up and manga all around this month. Received a whole lot of money and still incoming more. 300~ from my zorgtoeslag (“care allowance” from the money I pay to my insurance, it is kinda like getting huurtoeslag – “rent allowance”, toeslag*) and incoming vacation money this future week.

*toeslag – to put it simple, you get a percentage back for rent and insurance that you pay. Our rent here is 380 euros and we get back 180 euros per month for our huurtoeslag.

So we ordered a lot of nice clothes for Michelle – both that she can wear right now and some she can wear after a couple of years on HRT. We also bought a new fabulous mascara which is absolutely amazing, the company is sadly not vegan but it is cruelty free (Charlotte Tilbury false eyelashes). We bought some eye shadows too, can’t remember from where now.

Obviously I jumped the gun and bought a bulk of manga, I am not even done! I have four volumes of a completed manga to buy when our vacation money hits too. I bought four volumes of Suki-tte Ii Na Yo – also known as Say I Love You in English (it is hella weird to look up manga and anime by their English names, at least for me) – and four volumes of Citrus. Citrus were ordered first but the first and second volume was out of stock so they have to backorder it, baaah, it is taking a lot of time. But I already got my other, and the next manga collection I am going for is The Earl and The Fairy.


We went to Amsterdam today, for an intake at the gender dysphoria clinic. We were not in the middle of Amsterdam – a bit sad – but the hospital there was huge and bustling with both life and colour. Very vibrant!

The wait time after this now is so long, she also has another appointment at another gender dysphoria clinic (which I mentioned in another post) and we have decided that if she does not hear antyhing from the clinic in Amsterdam before July she will go also go on an appointment at the other clinic, they might be faster at getting it done. She is tired of waiting, she has waited her whole life for it already. I can understand her frustration, you want it now obviously and not later when you aren’t as pass-able.

We saw a lot of genuinely interesting people at the clinic waiting room, i know there is a lot of discussion about FTM not being so outwards and talkative about it, but we saw more FTM than MTF there – at least at the time we were there.

Two options

Oh, awkward, we got a big envelope – quite heavy in weight – today or yesterday, we picked it up today from our hall way floor, yes we are not down there that often, and it is another appointment at the other trans* department (Netherlands have two different ones, one in Amsterdam and one in Groningen) about another appointment.

It is an appointment where if she goes she can start everything immediately, but she went there the first time before we met in real life and they declined her based on her five o’ clock shadow (which you can not do anything about if you yourself do not have any foundation knowledge, which she did not) and they told her: “obviously you are not transgender, you are not even trying”… so she does NOT want to go there based on that memory. So her usual doctor prescribed the hormones instead, she did not know what else she could do – I think it was more or less a thoughtpattern of if Michelle did not get help there was a suicide risk. Which I know it was.

So she can pick and choose now where to go, but we decided Amsterdam anyway. Because that memory is still haunting her. And who doesn’t want to go to the capital? Woopwoop, never been there so will be fun to check it out! Might move closer to it in the future, but right now we will have to settle for once a month. Sometimes our help person will driveu s, sometimes Michelle’s mother and sometimes we are going to stay over there at a hotel. Will have to ask our neighbor to be a catsitter, but it will only be two days then.

This month we are getting our vacation money, we will be selling our fridge to Michelle’s mother and her husband, and buying a smaller one which we can have up in the kitchen. We are also getting their old oven/stove, because they are renovating their whole kitchen into a completely new one. So cool!

So we got a lot going on right now, I have already bought four volumes of a yuri/shoujo ai manga, hihi. I got plans when the vacation money hits I will buy four volumes from Suki-tte Ii Na Yo (Say I Love You) and the volumes are three to six, gotta continue on the collection. Then when we sell our fridge I will buy the complete four volumes of The Earl and The Fairy!

And Michelle will be buying clothes, shoes and a new computer chair. We have already invested in a bunch of summer clothes for her, going to get them this week!

A small Q&A #3…

Well, back to the segment! Let’s handle those hard and tough questions that everyone seems to care about… First part: A small Q&A #1… and second part: A small Q&A #2….


The genitalia what is gonna happen?” … oh how many times haven’t we gotten this as a first reaction? Why can’t people just be happy that Michelle is finally aiming for her own happiness and quality of life? No, it is all about the genitalia. Frankly, it is not anyones’ goddamn business what will be/is/was in anyones’ pants. But to be more precise, because this blog is more personal and detailed I feel an obligation to do so.

Michelle’s dysphoria is not against her own penis, it is her overall body, the sex she was born in and how she perceives herself. So she will not go through with the reassignment surgery, IF in the future that she feels that her penis is the last part that contributes to her depressive side, then she will go through with it and for my own part, I do not care that much. I did not fall in love with her penis, I did not get engaged with her penis. Sure there will be a big change, considering how it will be in our sex life, but we will try to find more ways to connect mentally, physically and emotionally. I am looking forward to it! If it now happens.

Her dysphoria goes even a bit deeper than just “I need to remove it”, she can not perceive the surgery as something that will give her happiness, she just wants to have been born as a CIS female. I do not know the struggle but I imagine plenty of trans* already goes through this too and can recognize it. The surgery can make people happy and it can also aid their negative thoughts…


Are you sure HE is not just gay?” Ok, because anyone volunteerily goes through this just so people can remark on their sexuality… well, we are quite sure SHE is gay, but would prefer to be labelled as a pansexual – genitalia does not matter, like it apparently does in your world – nothing wrong with that, but do not expect everyone to see it like you do, it is called common sense… and you refusing to use the pronouns Michelle feels comfortable with shows me that you are a very disrespectful person and I would probably not want you close to me or her.


Wow, you do fucking everything to get attention…“… What? Did you really trample all over Michelle and her bravery just because you think she does it for the attention? NO ONE would go through intense depression, suicidal thoughts and identity issues, confusion volunteerily, and then finally being able to be who they are and here you fucking come and step on them? Oh, if I wasn’t against violence… I would smack that bigotted head right off your neck, must be quite a burden to be that fucking retarded. Try to view the world in a more positive and less distrusting way and you might make progress as an individual.

I know this segment got a bit heated, sorry for losing my temper, but it is still stuff I do get angry over because it is such a sign of disrespect and bad character, you should cut people like this out of your life as soon as possible.


Well, there was one big and two smaller segments, I got furious typing them and now I need to calm down for a while. This might be the end of the Q&A – sorry and not sorry. There isn’t anything more to type about it and the general questions that people seem to give a shit about got answered now.

Sorry to you nice folks reading, I know you wish her well and us happiness, I wish it back, hugs and kisses! There will be more blogposts about me and Michelle in the future, less negativity more positivity!

A small Q&A #2…

Ohai there again, there will be two big segments like last time. Let’s dive in! For newer readers this is a serie of blogposts where I will answer questions, thoughts and just random pondering (from outside, me, Michelle, generic sources) about Michelle, trans*, our relationship and so on. It is based on what I have gotten asked to myself, what have been asked to Michelle and general ideas and thoughts I have come up with. Here is the earlier segment: A small Q&A #1…A small Q&A #1…. Oh, where to start? We covered a tiny chunk last time.


“Have you or Michelle lost contact with friends/family after she came out officially?” Yes. I have lost a couple and Michelle too, but our families are standing at our side, thankfully. I lost a few with just them being very rude about it and asking very poor formulated questions which I took offense too, I tried to be very polite about it but their attitudes did not change and it was a mutual agreement to remove each other from each others’ lives. Some just sneaky cut me off from FB after her big announcement, if I can’t remember who I probably wasn’t that close friends with them either (I have like 60~ friends currently – mostly family and friends from Sweden – and it dropped from 68~).

I think Michelle lost a lot of people, but they also were very rude about her coming out as trans* and asking people to use her new name and female pronouns – this is literally a simple act of respect, if you can’t even do this… anyway, the losses were few but we got such great support from the people that remained that it doesn’t even matter. You should not surround yourself with negativity generally.


“Lesbians now?” I guess now we could classify us as lesbians, but that restricts the personal knowledge we have. I do not get only attracted to females and neither does Michelle. First of all, we do not even get attracted to the genitalia, sex is just sex, but when you mix personality, individualism, an unspeakable bond with sex you get such a meaningful experience. You value the person based on them, not based on their junk.

It is such a freeing experience and way of life, when you stop thinking in only male-female perspectives, you think in a bigger and more person-based perspective instead. It has helped me value people more and value my relationship with Michelle much, much more. You also realize that the stereotypes each gender has been given are so unfair and not at all realistic – but I think this part ties in with almost every ideal you might have that promotes open minds and progressive thinking, not only being a pansexual.

Sexual acts do not only have to be about rubbing or penetrating, sex can be so much more sensual and the sensual sexlife we already have might get even more heightened in the future, which I am looking hella’ forward to. Wink~

Either way, as far as labels go, we are pannies by heart. No gender construct tying our feelings down. I know I have brought this up multiple times, but you do not understand how much I stress this to people and they still ask me if I enjoy munching the rug now and if all the boycraze in earlier years disappeared to (yeah… I do not remember it like that, I remember being confused and trying to hook up with guys just to prove that I am not abnormal, yet another post right there I think).


Look forward to the next part~!

Michie’s number one fear…

I can’t really speak for her, but discussing and talking a lot with her has revealed a couple of things. Even if I am as supportive and helpful as I can be during her transition, struggle and journey, there will always be that fear of abandonment. One of her old ex girlfriends did that to her and it is one of her biggest fears and even though she feels somewhat safe with me, it is still there.

Even during all our make up sessions, all our hair styling, all our clothes shopping… she has a fear of me up and leaving in the future, sooner or later. To just be like her old girlfriend and be very encouraging and helpful in the beginning, accepting her for who she is and then suddenly disappear, because it is a dealbreaker and she can not be with another “girl”.

I completely understand that everyone has their own sexuality and preference, but at the same time I don’t. I would hope you would at least love the person for who they are, not for what is between their legs! But that is just me, I know. I know that it is an unreasonable demand.

I do not know how to combat her fear, only with just staying with her, because I know myself I do love her and that will not change. But her unconscious can not know that, even if she keeps telling herself that this might be it… I just hope that with time I will prove that fear wrong.

I know she had terrible nightmares before about me just up and leaving her, I think they are gone now, but she will never… really know for sure that this is it. No one can really, neither can I. I just put my hope and faith into it, just some people put their faith in God and some others put their faith in destiny. I put my faith in myself and I hope to make my own so called destiny worthwhile, for me and for her. Michelle is my family, I do not want her to feel this insecurity and fear. I know that feelings can slowly dissipate sometimes, but in this case it feels like I fall more and more every day, we bond continuously and the bond goes stronger and stronger. I hope I will never be the cause of her despair…

I know a lot of trans* coming out individuals fear this moment the most, because there is always that vague insecurity and fear that even if people say they are alright with it and push forward, that suddenly they will realize that their feelings have cooled off and the relationship is not for them. I had my fair share of abandonment fears, you can never really get rid off them. Even with complete trust, your unconscious is always afraid that you are not enough, you are not acceptable as the person you are. I just hope that in the future, when we are old and gray haired, we can look back at this insecurity and laugh at it.