A small Q&A #3…

Well, back to the segment! Let’s handle those hard and tough questions that everyone seems to care about… First part: A small Q&A #1… and second part: A small Q&A #2….


The genitalia what is gonna happen?” … oh how many times haven’t we gotten this as a first reaction? Why can’t people just be happy that Michelle is finally aiming for her own happiness and quality of life? No, it is all about the genitalia. Frankly, it is not anyones’ goddamn business what will be/is/was in anyones’ pants. But to be more precise, because this blog is more personal and detailed I feel an obligation to do so.

Michelle’s dysphoria is not against her own penis, it is her overall body, the sex she was born in and how she perceives herself. So she will not go through with the reassignment surgery, IF in the future that she feels that her penis is the last part that contributes to her depressive side, then she will go through with it and for my own part, I do not care that much. I did not fall in love with her penis, I did not get engaged with her penis. Sure there will be a big change, considering how it will be in our sex life, but we will try to find more ways to connect mentally, physically and emotionally. I am looking forward to it! If it now happens.

Her dysphoria goes even a bit deeper than just “I need to remove it”, she can not perceive the surgery as something that will give her happiness, she just wants to have been born as a CIS female. I do not know the struggle but I imagine plenty of trans* already goes through this too and can recognize it. The surgery can make people happy and it can also aid their negative thoughts…


Are you sure HE is not just gay?” Ok, because anyone volunteerily goes through this just so people can remark on their sexuality… well, we are quite sure SHE is gay, but would prefer to be labelled as a pansexual – genitalia does not matter, like it apparently does in your world – nothing wrong with that, but do not expect everyone to see it like you do, it is called common sense… and you refusing to use the pronouns Michelle feels comfortable with shows me that you are a very disrespectful person and I would probably not want you close to me or her.


Wow, you do fucking everything to get attention…“… What? Did you really trample all over Michelle and her bravery just because you think she does it for the attention? NO ONE would go through intense depression, suicidal thoughts and identity issues, confusion volunteerily, and then finally being able to be who they are and here you fucking come and step on them? Oh, if I wasn’t against violence… I would smack that bigotted head right off your neck, must be quite a burden to be that fucking retarded. Try to view the world in a more positive and less distrusting way and you might make progress as an individual.

I know this segment got a bit heated, sorry for losing my temper, but it is still stuff I do get angry over because it is such a sign of disrespect and bad character, you should cut people like this out of your life as soon as possible.


Well, there was one big and two smaller segments, I got furious typing them and now I need to calm down for a while. This might be the end of the Q&A – sorry and not sorry. There isn’t anything more to type about it and the general questions that people seem to give a shit about got answered now.

Sorry to you nice folks reading, I know you wish her well and us happiness, I wish it back, hugs and kisses! There will be more blogposts about me and Michelle in the future, less negativity more positivity!

A small Q&A #2…

Ohai there again, there will be two big segments like last time. Let’s dive in! For newer readers this is a serie of blogposts where I will answer questions, thoughts and just random pondering (from outside, me, Michelle, generic sources) about Michelle, trans*, our relationship and so on. It is based on what I have gotten asked to myself, what have been asked to Michelle and general ideas and thoughts I have come up with. Here is the earlier segment: A small Q&A #1…A small Q&A #1…. Oh, where to start? We covered a tiny chunk last time.


“Have you or Michelle lost contact with friends/family after she came out officially?” Yes. I have lost a couple and Michelle too, but our families are standing at our side, thankfully. I lost a few with just them being very rude about it and asking very poor formulated questions which I took offense too, I tried to be very polite about it but their attitudes did not change and it was a mutual agreement to remove each other from each others’ lives. Some just sneaky cut me off from FB after her big announcement, if I can’t remember who I probably wasn’t that close friends with them either (I have like 60~ friends currently – mostly family and friends from Sweden – and it dropped from 68~).

I think Michelle lost a lot of people, but they also were very rude about her coming out as trans* and asking people to use her new name and female pronouns – this is literally a simple act of respect, if you can’t even do this… anyway, the losses were few but we got such great support from the people that remained that it doesn’t even matter. You should not surround yourself with negativity generally.


“Lesbians now?” I guess now we could classify us as lesbians, but that restricts the personal knowledge we have. I do not get only attracted to females and neither does Michelle. First of all, we do not even get attracted to the genitalia, sex is just sex, but when you mix personality, individualism, an unspeakable bond with sex you get such a meaningful experience. You value the person based on them, not based on their junk.

It is such a freeing experience and way of life, when you stop thinking in only male-female perspectives, you think in a bigger and more person-based perspective instead. It has helped me value people more and value my relationship with Michelle much, much more. You also realize that the stereotypes each gender has been given are so unfair and not at all realistic – but I think this part ties in with almost every ideal you might have that promotes open minds and progressive thinking, not only being a pansexual.

Sexual acts do not only have to be about rubbing or penetrating, sex can be so much more sensual and the sensual sexlife we already have might get even more heightened in the future, which I am looking hella’ forward to. Wink~

Either way, as far as labels go, we are pannies by heart. No gender construct tying our feelings down. I know I have brought this up multiple times, but you do not understand how much I stress this to people and they still ask me if I enjoy munching the rug now and if all the boycraze in earlier years disappeared to (yeah… I do not remember it like that, I remember being confused and trying to hook up with guys just to prove that I am not abnormal, yet another post right there I think).


Look forward to the next part~!

A small Q&A #1…

I know there have been a lot of questions (and thoughts) and I made a FAQ before about Michelle, transgender, our relationship and everything around it. But I will go in a bit deeper today, and explore all the things I can think of that people might wonder, and hope this blogposts answers the thoughts, that I at least can come up with. Might be some other things people want answered, obviously it is completely fine to ask and hopefully get it answered. There might only be two “questions” or so answered, because all of the questions I have gotten and I can think of are huge subjects, do not want to drag on the reading part.


Well, first I think we should dwell into the whole “when did she know she was transgender” question. I, as a CIS female, do not know the struggle of trans*, when it begins or when someone realizes such. But I have talked a lot about it with Michelle, her mother/family in general and a lot of friends we both have in common. Based on that I would say an early age, already very feminime as a child but her mother did not explore the trans* matter, in that time there was no such thing as awareness for it and no one could really instantly think about it, like nowadays where parents can immediately recognize if their child is unhappy and based on a throughout research and therapy it might get solved before puberty. Michelle did not have that luxury, like so many others.

She always knew she was a bit on the not-normal-side but did not know how to express it. I met her during her first hormone-attempt (best I can call it, she quit it when she moved to Sweden, it was like an escape for her) and I started growing feelings towards this person, even with all her struggles, and imagined a lot of what could be. Sadly, at this point she did not harbor any kind of interest for me, but that is a whole different story.

Already at tween-years I think she knew, most of her girlfriends after that point fucked her over quite hard. She had abandonment issues, severe dysphoria – like most cases of trans* – and ended up staying inside everyday playing WoW (it is a great escape from reality) and was thinking about suicide. She was able to be put on hormones and that is when I started to get to know her.

So to keep to the answer… very early I think she knew, but after puberty she went into to transitioning – and stopped and now transitioning again.


The second part of the Q&A I guess will try and respond to the whole “but your relationship?”. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and trust, we both want to continue it, whatever gender we both may be does not matter to us. We both consider ourselves pansexuals, we do not love each other for our genitals even if they are quite good at their jobs – the loss of her penis (if she decides for it, will probably be answered in another little segment) does not really pain or sadden me, we could explore toys and so many new ways to connect physically and emotionally.

This whole ordeal makes it hard for me to understand how someone can go from loving a person to when said person transitions/tells the lover about their trans* that they suddenly go completely cold and can’t be with the person. I understand the logic, but at the same time I do not. It is quite painful to see that so many other people do not have the luxury of a partner that will love them for who they truely are. You can’t blame either one either, even though you want to. It is their personal choice and is in most cases based on their sexual attraction.

We will continue our engagement, but lay off the wedding until Michelle feels and sees that her transition is well enough. We both know that the hormone therapy will be a very tricky and awkward part, it is a second puberty for Michelle literally. But that gives me time to achieve my goals for our mutual wedding image. I just want to support her through it all without rushing into something she does not want to do – and I know for sure that she does want to look attractive on our wedding day. She wants to simply look pass-able as a woman, and a decent looking woman at that. Based on her genes she will be a very pretty girl, which would not matter to me, but it does matter to her so I respect that. The wedding will come, in time.

So to conclude the segment: we are staying together, we love each other dearly and I would not give up our bond for anything.


Thank you for reading, in a short while the next part will be posted (mostly when I have the time to type it all down. As said, it is a lot).

Birthday Nela~

Today is the day my mother gave birth to me, the day that we all know as a birthday, the day that is significant because… what? Meh, it is like any other day to be honest. I am just one year older than what I was last year on this day.

I ordered a second batch of manga books for my birthday though! Wihoo! Kuchibiru Tameiki Sakurairo and Suki tte Ii na yo Volume 2! English titles: Kisses, Sigh and Cherry Blossom Pink – Say I Love You Vol. 2. Will show images in next blogspot tomorrow, when they arrive, yay!

I also received “Overwatch: Origins” from Michelle earlier this month and two other mangabooks (which is in another blogpost already). We are going to celebrate my birthday with Michie’s mother and maybe her mothers husband – depends on if he is going biking or not.

Going to the barber tomorrow for Michelle, we are looking into this kind of :hairdo:. With more layers in the hair and bangs ending above her eyebrows. She will look so good!

I have some American friends on Facebook and the links about the public restroom law show me that they are very open-minded, just like most people in Europe – which make me happy. But when you start reading comments, it really… infuriates me how much some Americans really enforce the stereotype that we Europeans have of them: A – they are inbred hillbilly bigots, no matter where they live. B – most religious Americans are 100% A. C – that America is living still in the dark ages. Most comments I see (not only about the public restroom matter) on any kind of topic regarding peoples’ happiness, show that most religious Americans or religious people overall do not wish for everyone’s happiness. And here I thought that religion teaches love and compassion, boy I seem to be oh so wrong.

If I have offended some American readers, I am very sorry, obviously if you are reading this blog you are not the A – type. Sadly this is the stereotype we have, we grew up with this stereotype about America and Americans, and sadly, on public places such as FB/articles/other websites the Americans that scream the loudest really helps to further this stereotype on. I know that a lot of Europeans are not as open-minded and I know that a lot of Americans are open-minded, but in both cases, they are minorities. I would say the European example being the better option out of both.

I have to stop reading 9gag comments at the same time, more 9gaggers than what I want to believe upvoted a comment saying that sexualities are genders. My whole world is crumbling to pieces, I did not know I was this misinformed! Sarcasm aside, 9gag is a fucking shithole.

It saddens me to see that so many people still believe that love is unnatural, that being who you truely are is unnatural and that it is alright for them to comment hideous things about people because of it.

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I can’t even…

Do I enjoy being “triggered”?

I really need to take a step back and reevaluate why I feel the need to get “triggered” when I see/read/talk about something. Why do I even feel the need to respond to it? Most of the time I do not get that feeling when I just read a plain discussion, but when I see statements made out of pure ignorance, wrong facts or just plain rudeness, I feel the urge to respond back in a very polite but harsh way. Why do I do it? Why can’t I just let it go and let some other “social justice“-warrior take my place and lecture people at the wrongs in their statements?

Against friends when they say things that I do not agree with I snap at them, snap as in politely tell them to not and “here is 100 reasons to why you should reconsider your opinion”, but when strangers do it I have to go all out and call them out on their bullshit quite often. Why?

  • Is it because I get a sense of superiority? No, I can’t say I get that kind of emotion.
  • Is it because I want to show them my knowledge? No, they have that kind of knowledge as well, just that they haven’t thought about it in that way or they are just stupid – simply speaking.
  • Is it because I am an arrogant person that needs to shove my opinion on others? No, I rather debate both options in hope of making the views and opinions of me and someone else go in a better direction.
  • Is it because I want to be as politically correct as possible? I have my flaws, but I am trying to better myself as a person generally.

I think it is probably because with an official (on websites, in public etc) discussion or a debate you can change the views and thoughtpattern of many people and with that you can change a lot of things that are wrong with our society and living standards structure.

I know my personal “triggers” better than anyone else, and I should try and avoid them to the fullest of my capabilities, but they sneak up on me quite often. Through family and friends on Facebook, through reading blogs or articles or just general talk between friends and strangers. I start reading things that peak my interest and then it is just a lost cause if any of those triggers are in there.

I know myself that I get triggered a lot by people discussing LGBTQ matters, I really am fed up with bigotry. Racism, hate against feminism and feministic hate against men, vegan matters (mostly meat eaters hurling insults and really bad research on facts that twists my insides into a raging bowl of “here have real facts” anger), people actually contacting Michelle about her being transgender and not only asking rude questions but also portraying their homophobic and transphobic views on her without any regard of her feelings or that she is also just a human like them… all these triggers me very hard. But something else mixed into it today which I did not know was something I had strong opinions on surfaced…

Latest one that triggered me is the whole pro-life arguement… for me there is no middle. There is also no pro-life, people are pro-birth. As soon as the baby plops out they do not care for it anymore, which is shown in many ways with how they argue about it being murder and selfish. I remember posting an old image about it before, I even looked it up and will post again in the end. It sums up everything that is wrong with the whole pro-life arguement and why it is stupid to support it.

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So bottom line of this post… yeah… I argue and get “triggered” a lot. Because I am a human being with strong opinions. I know myself that I might be wrong sometimes but I can admit to it when I am wrong. I do a ton of research before I even start discussing anything that my interest is peaked in, to be able to have a discussion that might change someone’s opinion or life view in the end. And help me better my own.

I guess that I mean that if I disagree with something people will know.

You pansexual lolwat?

Oh yes, I have gotten that kind of reaction, I understand that people do not instantly know the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality, and why there is a need for new words for everything. But “panny” Nela~ is here to help you with your confusion and also share a bit of her early, early, early life when she was a confused little non-knowing-panny (such a catchy word, I will use it from now on). It took me years to come to a conclusion to what I am and what I attracted to sexually, I know for some people this is not an important step but for some others it is a giant leap and helps a lot with solving/building your identity.

Oh ok, so where to start? The story time or the reaction-ramble? Hmm… hard to say. Let us start with…the “you = pansexual lolwat?” thing first to get that out of the way.

Ok so yes, it was recently that I started calling and sexually identify as a pansexual individual and I guess an explaination of the word itself is necessary.

Pansexuality is when you fall/get sexually attracted to personalities and not solely genders or any biological sexes. You are literally genderblind, you do not see a person for their genitalia, you see them for their individuality.

It is my own interpretation, here is the google definition:

“Pansexuality, however, composed with the prefix pan-, is the sexual attraction to a person of any sex or gender.”

I would say I was and am pretty damn close with the explaination and wouldn’t have needed to google it, but you can never die of more knowledge! Even if it is trivial – I know some people will think it is. A better clarification in a different form:

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I thought bisexuality is a tad bit restricting, because it is only if you are attracted to the biological sex someone has – as in (VERY simplified explaination) most of the time if your partner turns out to be transgender and wants to go through with it, the bisexual person loses interest/attraction to their partner. A pansexual would still love their partner for whatever or whoever he/she is. So bisexuality didn’t really ring a bell for me, pansexuality fit me more… like a glove almost, even though I do not wear gloves, frozen hands during winter, woopwoop!

I do not know why I strayed off the path there, I am so sorry and at the same time… I am not. This blog is more or less about me and my thoughts, so every thought and sentence count! Even if it is out of place.

Anyway, back to the subject. I know it comes as a shock to many people, I have never really been open about my sexuality and I never felt the need to be. I know a lot of close people that would instantly be like “lol no, you just want to be special”, so… your sexuality makes you special? I would rather think that my individual qualities makes me special, not my sexual preference. Oh you guys wanting to be special with your heterosexuality/homosexuality/bisexuality/genderfluidness! Seriously, cringing hard here.

Now to the story time, well, not as much of a story time as in like telling you I was a confused little person. I had intense crushes on my female friends and I was agonizing most of my days about them seeing me as disgusting, my family being weird about it (why I never even mentioned it to my closest sister) and blahblah. I did what any other lazy person does, I went with the “norm”: female goes with males and vice versa, never uttered a single word about being attracted to my friends. Until I met Michelle, I can talk about everything with her, thankfully.

I did have very weird experiences during schooltime because of it, I held hands with most of my female friends, it was an act of affection and endearment. But for me it was a tad bit more with some. I had butterflies in my tummy holding hands with some, hugging them almost made me melt and sometimes I would imagine kissing them and them actually kissing me back, and not because they had to (internal yay scream)! But I never did anything with it, so my young self suffered hard with that and being an outcast up until the gymnasium period, still suffered from falling in love with my female friends, they were a bit more open about everything which I enjoyed, I still never told them about it because… well, I never really had a reason to open up about it, even though you would argue “but it is your friends!”… I would just rather stay low with issues (yes, big issues for me back then) like that and I have one example I can type down, cringing intensely, and it was mortifying both not being able to tell her and wanting to tell her (small tidbit of info about me: I was a very timid and shy character even though I played the comic relief part most of the time): I slept in a bed together with one of my best friends and I had very… difficult urges to hold back during it. I knew she did not see me that way so I never told her, I was afraid of rejection simply. It was just easier to not than to just do it and talk about it.

It is just really hard to bring up subjects like these, to the people closest to you when you know it is about them and you do not know how they will react.

I guess I will round if off now before I start rambling about something else.