So triggered right now…

Ahh, haven’t been triggered in a long time, so here I am again! Triggering away.

Well, this time it is a very legit reason to why my fuse was blown. Michelle’s guild in WoW… not the most LGBTQ+ friendly guild there is. I can take that. I can ignore it, I can. I really… really can – although with a lot of struggles but I can if I just put my mind to it. Unless it is turned towards Michelle. It just… makes me see red.

Usually a good friend of mine is a good stop button, I do not take it further and I do not contact the people I hear/read/know is being ignorant/bigotted. Because I know Michelle has talked with them personally about it, but they just do not seem to care.

This time it is them misgendering her and still calling her an old name she really wants to get removed from herself. I know people feel that respect should be earned, but I think it is a basic human right to receive the tiniest amount of respect someone can muster up, at the very least be respected enough to be called their preferred pronouns and names.

The reason I am not contacting the people are mostly because I do not want people to have hostile feelings against Michelle because of me. I really do not want to cause more problems for Michelle than necessary, but this is just something that hits every single trigger in me. It is so darn disrespectful and utterly ignorant.

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It is NOT hard.
It is harder for the person being misgendered and disrespected than it is for YOU to adjust one single word. It is NOT up for debate.

Look at all this shit I found!

I have gotten in contact with a lot of very hateful shit lately and I just wanted to share them here. Let’s start with Soldiers of Odin, shall we?

I had no idea this organization existed until I read about that they want to “fix” the whole immigrant issues and exterminate the disease known as homosexuality. I am not even making this up, they have literally on multiple occasions spread their message loud and clear. They might deny that they are a neo-Nazi group but their actions speak louder than their words, maybe the intent wasn’t to become one but you can’t expect it to not blow up. Extremists will be everywhere and it is a classic example of extremists taking over.

It started in Finland spread over Scandinavia and has spread down to the Netherlands, where I currently live. At the moment what they are doing is patrolling the streets, stopping extra long outside gay bars, and they can not be stopped because they are just patrolling… and this is what I have been reading from comments on articles: some people are actually positive against having a neighborhood watch. Yes, you want someone that literally pours hate down your throat to protect you. No, that protection is not for me.

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In English: “The Soldiers of Odin has started patrolling around gay bars in central Stockholm, dear siblings: BE SAFE!” – “Yes, we have started. We are going to cleanse the sickness.”

And for the Dutchies:
Burgerwacht ‘Soldiers of Odin’ actief in Nederland: behulpzaam of walgelijk?
I think you can translate it to English on the site or via google translate.

Their facebook page has literally a ton of people screaming about exterminating anything that is not white, cis and normal…


I have also been seeing a lot of “WTF” shit regarding being transgender…

For example, in England and Wales, you can be reported for RAPE if you do not tell your sex partner that you are transgender. What the flying fuck? So i.e being trans* makes you a rapist. What the fuck is that kind of logic? I do not think that if you are trans* that you have to tell anyone unless you really want to! It is your own body and identity, if you are a female you are a female, if you are a male you are a male. No one should be able to tell you different. If a cis/anything man/woman sleeps with a trans* man/woman they slept with the gender they saw. Simple. There is no fucking trickery!

wtfewwgwa

This is the link for anyone that wants to read through it:
Trans people face jail for rape if they have sex without sharing their gender history

So now you can legally be discriminated against if you are anything besides CIS. I am glad that the Netherlands have nothing like that. This is just so damn medieval and backward.


I will leave these here.

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Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!

Food & Withdrawals

Having withdrawals almost all the time. I guess my habit was to smoke a lot and often, so my body craves it way too often. If I could go back and decide again to start or not, I wouldn’t. Still question the reasoning behind why it i legal and why it shouldn’t be. It is affordable/legal “heroin”, not the same drug or withdrawals obviously, but the way it manifests as an addiction is the same as any other heavy drug. You get the same chemical changes in your body, mind and hormones – and when you quit it, you notice how bad it is for you. I have a tendency to crack on the second day, I really will try to not tomorrow.

I have also been halfsleeping all day to escape the craving. But now when I do not, it hits hard…


On a better note! We made our own baguettes today, Michelle’s with walnutchicken-paste, cucumber and paprika and mine with hummus, cucumber, paprika and tomato. It was tasty and shall be eaten another time!

Oh, I almost forgot to show off my pocket girlfriends. They have new outfits again, got to show them off~! Michelle (huhu, yes, they are all small pocketMichelles, only with different names) to the left is sporting a fancy new pink hairstyle, her magic wind outfit with a lovely new background. Michie to the right is getting cozy and ready for bed!

First day without nicotine

It is a horrible, horrible, horrible day! Fuuuuck, why is nicotine/tobacco fucking legal from the beginning?! I am almost caving in already to go back to smoking, but not this time, not this time! I will fight it, I hate the fucking coldsweat, the shivering and the fucking anxiety but what I hate more than the withdrawals is taking a smoke and feeling how it kills you from the inside.

I swear, there is no one that actually WANTS to quit. They just do and they just do it. The whole reasoning with “to quit you have to want it too!” is pure bullshit. There is no addict that really, really, really wants to quit the addiction. But they just do it instead, I want to be a just do it person too! I do not want to struggle with the wanting, I just instead don’t and what I do is fighting it instead!

The reason they say the first week is the most horrible is because it is the week that introduce you, a person that has never had withdrawals before, to the withdrawals – not just some of them, all of them… it is pretty much like not exercising and then suddenly exercising everyday – your body, your mind and your hormones get shocked.

The worst part is that the anxiety that my mind and body gets from not getting any nicotine doubles my normal anxiety… not that great and we have a new person coming over for an appointment tomorrow. Just gotta get through it. “Hey hormones, let’s give the person with anxiety disorders more anxiety hohohoho best prank ever!”

Either way, I am taking my first step towards becoming a smoke-free person. Hooray for me!

Pumped

This song keeps making me pumped to play League, but I never do. Haha, weird right? Either way, I love the first verse for Lulu (Lilypichu raps it, which makes it even more amazing) and Teemo’s verse just kills, it made me check out Popushi’s channel and I subbed! They did an amazing job!

We have been playing a lot of Day Z, I ended up being brutally axed down and eaten – the person ate my corpse! He contacted me on Steam afterwards apologizing for it with some random excuse about having a bad day in Day Z. I knew I should not have trusted him after he tried to kill me first. Swear though that the only reason he apologized was because I was female, having a vagina can be convenient and inconvenient at the same time…

I might not be cutting my hair next month, I want to. I am looking into shaving my right side, cutting side bangs and layering the rest of my hair + dyeing it fire red like usual. I know I usually do not do anything “drastic” when I go to the barber, but this time I really want to try something new. If I enjoy the look I will continue using it!

Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-

Yes… this happened.

retard
I just wanted to share this. A couple of fun facts that she does not bring up:
1. She acted condescending and mocking towards me in the beginning of it all, and I am not a person that can stand above it sadly – trying to fix it. But apparently putting yourself in a better light is far more important than revealing both sides, just like eating somebody is far more important than caring for your own body and environment.
2. The arguements she had against veganism where literally Vegan Sidekick’s images. Almost textbook stupid. And when she had nothing else to retort to she went with “PLANTS HAVE FEELINGS”… so I just told her if she cared for plant lives she should choose a vegan lifestyle, less casualities.
3. Veganism is not for lazy people, according to her obviously, because it is so hard living in a bigger city with more than eight different vegan restaurants and more than four different vegan food stores to find vegan foodsources.
4. Love is not compatible with killing. It isn’t. Deal with it properly, like an adult. Making statuses about “omg horrible things happens but this vegan fascist…” is not really mature, I am glad to not be you, a disrespectful twat that can not hold her own in a simple discussion about doing the bare minimum of understanding that animals have basic rights, like anyone else, and that you are contributing/funding the exploit of their rights.
5. And really? Going as far as to compare me to genocide and religious fanatics? Seems more like your thing, seeing you are the one contributing to the far more vast amount of animals killed, both in the industry and in the fields. Only in the meat/dairy industry genocide and psychopathy are welcome. But hey, as long as it pleases your tongue.
6. I also never said anything about not caring for farmers, being a vegan you think about everyone’s health and quality of life, not only your own. To buy ecological is a far better choice to help said workers with their daily life than just being random items and not knowing what you support. But what kind of intelligence can I expect from someone that claims that all turks are filth?
Sadly this person is a former close friends’ girlfriend and she deals with her own double morales in her everyday life (overbearing, control freak and condescending towards anyone that is not her – not a big surprise that she is a racist). I did not have a good image or impression of her before this, but I did not want it to ruin something that might have been a somewhat close reminder of friendship. But seeing her rare display of retardation… meh, I rather be without her.

Double morales

Michelle thinks I am selfdestructing and ruining many friendships with the debates about veganism with them. I see why she thinks that way and why she wants to protect me from it. But most of the time, I genuinely hope that by discussing it at least there is a little seed that has sprouted. Unless the recipent is as dense as a wet towel. Which many people are.

Well, to protect myself and the few friendships I have left, I won’t go into the whole “love is not compatible with killing” arguements. Even though I find it genuinely retarded to believe you can love and care for someone and then just kill it because “I like the taste”.

Either way, if the subject would have been anything else than veganism… let’s say transphobia, homophobia or even feminism I would have been applauded by many and encouraged to continue my social justice warrior ways. But no, when it comes to a subject that lets others realize that they are not the only ones living on this planet and should care for the billions of animals that loses their lives based on a consumption that we humans do not need… yea, then I am the bad guy because I offend peoples’ foods.

I will just leave this here:

  • There are thousands of alternatives to meat, dairy and egg. You are just lazy to not research it. Oh, you don’t care because you like the taste? I am glad, the taste is spices, which you can literally recreate.
    • Oh, meat is easy to come by and vegan food is bland? What do you think vegans eat, grass? Just google vegan bbq, vegan dinner, vegan lunch etc, you will see millions of recipes that look better and are not restricted around a piece of carcass. When you remove the “my dish needs to be centered around a dead someone” factor you are open to a million of options.
  • All the nutrients found in meat have other sources. If your body can not take up pure supplements you’d be darned that it can not take up the filthy protein from animals, because surprise, surprise(!) protein is not the only thing you take up from a dead body, you also take up the bad toxins which your body rejects. But tell me more how you suddenly came over a PhD in nutrient values.
    • 90% of vegans have better nutrient values when they become vegan than when they were meat eaters.
  • You make it how you want to make it. You want to be an unhealthy fat vegan? Go for it, you have a ton of cakes, fat food etc. You want to be a body builder vegan? Go for it, you probably will get better results and feel better than the typical meat body builder. You want to be a normal vegan? Be that then.

I just need to find vegan friends.