So triggered right now…

Ahh, haven’t been triggered in a long time, so here I am again! Triggering away.

Well, this time it is a very legit reason to why my fuse was blown. Michelle’s guild in WoW… not the most LGBTQ+ friendly guild there is. I can take that. I can ignore it, I can. I really… really can – although with a lot of struggles but I can if I just put my mind to it. Unless it is turned towards Michelle. It just… makes me see red.

Usually a good friend of mine is a good stop button, I do not take it further and I do not contact the people I hear/read/know is being ignorant/bigotted. Because I know Michelle has talked with them personally about it, but they just do not seem to care.

This time it is them misgendering her and still calling her an old name she really wants to get removed from herself. I know people feel that respect should be earned, but I think it is a basic human right to receive the tiniest amount of respect someone can muster up, at the very least be respected enough to be called their preferred pronouns and names.

The reason I am not contacting the people are mostly because I do not want people to have hostile feelings against Michelle because of me. I really do not want to cause more problems for Michelle than necessary, but this is just something that hits every single trigger in me. It is so darn disrespectful and utterly ignorant.

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It is NOT hard.
It is harder for the person being misgendered and disrespected than it is for YOU to adjust one single word. It is NOT up for debate.

Look at all this shit I found!

I have gotten in contact with a lot of very hateful shit lately and I just wanted to share them here. Let’s start with Soldiers of Odin, shall we?

I had no idea this organization existed until I read about that they want to “fix” the whole immigrant issues and exterminate the disease known as homosexuality. I am not even making this up, they have literally on multiple occasions spread their message loud and clear. They might deny that they are a neo-Nazi group but their actions speak louder than their words, maybe the intent wasn’t to become one but you can’t expect it to not blow up. Extremists will be everywhere and it is a classic example of extremists taking over.

It started in Finland spread over Scandinavia and has spread down to the Netherlands, where I currently live. At the moment what they are doing is patrolling the streets, stopping extra long outside gay bars, and they can not be stopped because they are just patrolling… and this is what I have been reading from comments on articles: some people are actually positive against having a neighborhood watch. Yes, you want someone that literally pours hate down your throat to protect you. No, that protection is not for me.

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In English: “The Soldiers of Odin has started patrolling around gay bars in central Stockholm, dear siblings: BE SAFE!” – “Yes, we have started. We are going to cleanse the sickness.”

And for the Dutchies:
Burgerwacht ‘Soldiers of Odin’ actief in Nederland: behulpzaam of walgelijk?
I think you can translate it to English on the site or via google translate.

Their facebook page has literally a ton of people screaming about exterminating anything that is not white, cis and normal…


I have also been seeing a lot of “WTF” shit regarding being transgender…

For example, in England and Wales, you can be reported for RAPE if you do not tell your sex partner that you are transgender. What the flying fuck? So i.e being trans* makes you a rapist. What the fuck is that kind of logic? I do not think that if you are trans* that you have to tell anyone unless you really want to! It is your own body and identity, if you are a female you are a female, if you are a male you are a male. No one should be able to tell you different. If a cis/anything man/woman sleeps with a trans* man/woman they slept with the gender they saw. Simple. There is no fucking trickery!

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This is the link for anyone that wants to read through it:
Trans people face jail for rape if they have sex without sharing their gender history

So now you can legally be discriminated against if you are anything besides CIS. I am glad that the Netherlands have nothing like that. This is just so damn medieval and backward.


I will leave these here.

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Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!

Food & Withdrawals

Having withdrawals almost all the time. I guess my habit was to smoke a lot and often, so my body craves it way too often. If I could go back and decide again to start or not, I wouldn’t. Still question the reasoning behind why it i legal and why it shouldn’t be. It is affordable/legal “heroin”, not the same drug or withdrawals obviously, but the way it manifests as an addiction is the same as any other heavy drug. You get the same chemical changes in your body, mind and hormones – and when you quit it, you notice how bad it is for you. I have a tendency to crack on the second day, I really will try to not tomorrow.

I have also been halfsleeping all day to escape the craving. But now when I do not, it hits hard…


On a better note! We made our own baguettes today, Michelle’s with walnutchicken-paste, cucumber and paprika and mine with hummus, cucumber, paprika and tomato. It was tasty and shall be eaten another time!

Oh, I almost forgot to show off my pocket girlfriends. They have new outfits again, got to show them off~! Michelle (huhu, yes, they are all small pocketMichelles, only with different names) to the left is sporting a fancy new pink hairstyle, her magic wind outfit with a lovely new background. Michie to the right is getting cozy and ready for bed!

First day without nicotine

It is a horrible, horrible, horrible day! Fuuuuck, why is nicotine/tobacco fucking legal from the beginning?! I am almost caving in already to go back to smoking, but not this time, not this time! I will fight it, I hate the fucking coldsweat, the shivering and the fucking anxiety but what I hate more than the withdrawals is taking a smoke and feeling how it kills you from the inside.

I swear, there is no one that actually WANTS to quit. They just do and they just do it. The whole reasoning with “to quit you have to want it too!” is pure bullshit. There is no addict that really, really, really wants to quit the addiction. But they just do it instead, I want to be a just do it person too! I do not want to struggle with the wanting, I just instead don’t and what I do is fighting it instead!

The reason they say the first week is the most horrible is because it is the week that introduce you, a person that has never had withdrawals before, to the withdrawals – not just some of them, all of them… it is pretty much like not exercising and then suddenly exercising everyday – your body, your mind and your hormones get shocked.

The worst part is that the anxiety that my mind and body gets from not getting any nicotine doubles my normal anxiety… not that great and we have a new person coming over for an appointment tomorrow. Just gotta get through it. “Hey hormones, let’s give the person with anxiety disorders more anxiety hohohoho best prank ever!”

Either way, I am taking my first step towards becoming a smoke-free person. Hooray for me!

Pumped

This song keeps making me pumped to play League, but I never do. Haha, weird right? Either way, I love the first verse for Lulu (Lilypichu raps it, which makes it even more amazing) and Teemo’s verse just kills, it made me check out Popushi’s channel and I subbed! They did an amazing job!

We have been playing a lot of Day Z, I ended up being brutally axed down and eaten – the person ate my corpse! He contacted me on Steam afterwards apologizing for it with some random excuse about having a bad day in Day Z. I knew I should not have trusted him after he tried to kill me first. Swear though that the only reason he apologized was because I was female, having a vagina can be convenient and inconvenient at the same time…

I might not be cutting my hair next month, I want to. I am looking into shaving my right side, cutting side bangs and layering the rest of my hair + dyeing it fire red like usual. I know I usually do not do anything “drastic” when I go to the barber, but this time I really want to try something new. If I enjoy the look I will continue using it!