Long time, no see!

I have been very negligent with the blog, I know. Well, it is mostly for me to write things off my chest/mind. A diary for me, and I am happy I have people to share my life with it. But sometimes I just do not have anything positive or fun to write about, so I skip it completely. Might change, might not.


Either way, I have gone away from my red hair, what?! I know! It is shocking. Yes, you did, indeed, read that correctly. I am trying to achieve a brown/gray ombre. Have only gotten to the part where I have ash blonde ombre with dark brown hair at roots. But getting there, will get there even. I like it, I kind of look my age now, difference in hair colour does so much.

I also enhanced the photos a bit, to show off the colour difference, because my camera does not want to pick up subtle changes… seeing I dyed my hair red for six or more years it is really hard to get gray in the first colouring. So we went for ash blonde and I was really unhappy about it in the beginning because it felt like it didn’t really show. But now I kind of like it, it is subtle with gray-ash blonde and with pastel orange hinting through.

I also improved my eyebrow game, quite decently I would say. Learned some new things to not make them so harsh and bold. I like bold eyebrows, but I am now fading my inner parts and it works wonders.

I quit nicotine completely, a big step for me! I started working out, just now I did a 30 min run in and out of Makkum, 2.5 km with 1 km running completely with willpower and strength.

Michelle is gone for two weeks, been gone now for seven days, to visit her new girlfriend or whatever you want to call their relationship. Seems shaky and she seems to not be satisfied with the current state. Not my problem to be honest, I do care for her but I need to care for myself too. Can’t go back to just not be an individual anymore.

Well, moving to Sweden is finally final, I am leaving the Netherlands the 21st July and will be living in Gothenburg! With a really old friend of mine, he will be housing me for a couple of months until I have gotten everything sorted out. I am so grateful towards him for it and I am looking forward to it. Gothenbuuuuuurg!

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Bubbles and Butterflies~

This might be a bit different to what I usually post. But I have been talking to for a while now a very kind and caring human being. This person makes me so happy and fluttery, that I just… could evaporate into a small cloud of happiness-bubbles. He is the calm to my frantic, his charisma and personality is top tier and his looks, goddamn… I seem to always go for people out of my league. I am just so intense-happy about that he seems to feel the same way, just enjoying each others company. Talking until we fall asleep, wake up in the morning still in a call and just being able to say good morning to each other, playing games together, having fun mixed with serious chats… we seem to fit so well. The humour we share is so dark and hilarious.

I would not label this yet, until I have met him and experience real life together. But it seems to be going in a very good direction, so we (both) are not in any kind of rush. Right now we are just enjoying each others company, all the other fluttery and bubbly feelings and thoughts are just bonuses to whatever we have going on. For someone a bit younger than me he is very mature, he is four years younger and has his life more sorted than I have my socks. Haha! Well, not that it is a bad thing – we both have our whole lives ahead of us, I am just a bit sad I started a bit late to work on my own future (but this is not about that!).

I might end up flying from Amsterdam to Gothenburg, which means that we can meet already at that point – iiiiih! Makes me blush thinking about it. I am actually looking forward to solve and settle my debts/situations in Sweden. A tiny, teeny bit anxious and overwhelmed still, but who wouldn’t be? I just have to rely a bit on others to help me get started, I am pretty horrible at relying on people, so it will be a learning experience!

Michelle seems happier too, she is crushing on a German girl, which seems very kind and caring. I am happy she is also working on herself, to become the person she wants to be.

I fucked up

I hurt someone dear to me and I do not know if I deserve the second chance he wants to give me… I think I also lost the respect of a friend, might have even lost the friendship.

I win at life. I win at being a shitty person. I win at hurting people. The more self insight I discover about myself, the more I dislike myself.

I did some drastic changes… to combat my shitty personality and try and make amends.

I am a burden

I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…

Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.

I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.

I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…

I got to move~

This is literally my mood for today. I feel invincible, no anxieties, no brainghosts, nothing out of the norm. I will probably take a walk today too, pretty hyped that I am able to. Probably time to try to start travelling around in the Netherlands, to prepare for the trip back to Sweden.

Been having a positive outlook on things, at least trying to. It seems to be working somewhat and that brings more positivity.

Look at all this shit I found!

I have gotten in contact with a lot of very hateful shit lately and I just wanted to share them here. Let’s start with Soldiers of Odin, shall we?

I had no idea this organization existed until I read about that they want to “fix” the whole immigrant issues and exterminate the disease known as homosexuality. I am not even making this up, they have literally on multiple occasions spread their message loud and clear. They might deny that they are a neo-Nazi group but their actions speak louder than their words, maybe the intent wasn’t to become one but you can’t expect it to not blow up. Extremists will be everywhere and it is a classic example of extremists taking over.

It started in Finland spread over Scandinavia and has spread down to the Netherlands, where I currently live. At the moment what they are doing is patrolling the streets, stopping extra long outside gay bars, and they can not be stopped because they are just patrolling… and this is what I have been reading from comments on articles: some people are actually positive against having a neighborhood watch. Yes, you want someone that literally pours hate down your throat to protect you. No, that protection is not for me.

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In English: “The Soldiers of Odin has started patrolling around gay bars in central Stockholm, dear siblings: BE SAFE!” – “Yes, we have started. We are going to cleanse the sickness.”

And for the Dutchies:
Burgerwacht ‘Soldiers of Odin’ actief in Nederland: behulpzaam of walgelijk?
I think you can translate it to English on the site or via google translate.

Their facebook page has literally a ton of people screaming about exterminating anything that is not white, cis and normal…


I have also been seeing a lot of “WTF” shit regarding being transgender…

For example, in England and Wales, you can be reported for RAPE if you do not tell your sex partner that you are transgender. What the flying fuck? So i.e being trans* makes you a rapist. What the fuck is that kind of logic? I do not think that if you are trans* that you have to tell anyone unless you really want to! It is your own body and identity, if you are a female you are a female, if you are a male you are a male. No one should be able to tell you different. If a cis/anything man/woman sleeps with a trans* man/woman they slept with the gender they saw. Simple. There is no fucking trickery!

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This is the link for anyone that wants to read through it:
Trans people face jail for rape if they have sex without sharing their gender history

So now you can legally be discriminated against if you are anything besides CIS. I am glad that the Netherlands have nothing like that. This is just so damn medieval and backward.


I will leave these here.

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