Long time, no see!

I have been very negligent with the blog, I know. Well, it is mostly for me to write things off my chest/mind. A diary for me, and I am happy I have people to share my life with it. But sometimes I just do not have anything positive or fun to write about, so I skip it completely. Might change, might not.


Either way, I have gone away from my red hair, what?! I know! It is shocking. Yes, you did, indeed, read that correctly. I am trying to achieve a brown/gray ombre. Have only gotten to the part where I have ash blonde ombre with dark brown hair at roots. But getting there, will get there even. I like it, I kind of look my age now, difference in hair colour does so much.

I also enhanced the photos a bit, to show off the colour difference, because my camera does not want to pick up subtle changes… seeing I dyed my hair red for six or more years it is really hard to get gray in the first colouring. So we went for ash blonde and I was really unhappy about it in the beginning because it felt like it didn’t really show. But now I kind of like it, it is subtle with gray-ash blonde and with pastel orange hinting through.

I also improved my eyebrow game, quite decently I would say. Learned some new things to not make them so harsh and bold. I like bold eyebrows, but I am now fading my inner parts and it works wonders.

I quit nicotine completely, a big step for me! I started working out, just now I did a 30 min run in and out of Makkum, 2.5 km with 1 km running completely with willpower and strength.

Michelle is gone for two weeks, been gone now for seven days, to visit her new girlfriend or whatever you want to call their relationship. Seems shaky and she seems to not be satisfied with the current state. Not my problem to be honest, I do care for her but I need to care for myself too. Can’t go back to just not be an individual anymore.

Well, moving to Sweden is finally final, I am leaving the Netherlands the 21st July and will be living in Gothenburg! With a really old friend of mine, he will be housing me for a couple of months until I have gotten everything sorted out. I am so grateful towards him for it and I am looking forward to it. Gothenbuuuuuurg!

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Bubbles and Butterflies~

This might be a bit different to what I usually post. But I have been talking to for a while now a very kind and caring human being. This person makes me so happy and fluttery, that I just… could evaporate into a small cloud of happiness-bubbles. He is the calm to my frantic, his charisma and personality is top tier and his looks, goddamn… I seem to always go for people out of my league. I am just so intense-happy about that he seems to feel the same way, just enjoying each others company. Talking until we fall asleep, wake up in the morning still in a call and just being able to say good morning to each other, playing games together, having fun mixed with serious chats… we seem to fit so well. The humour we share is so dark and hilarious.

I would not label this yet, until I have met him and experience real life together. But it seems to be going in a very good direction, so we (both) are not in any kind of rush. Right now we are just enjoying each others company, all the other fluttery and bubbly feelings and thoughts are just bonuses to whatever we have going on. For someone a bit younger than me he is very mature, he is four years younger and has his life more sorted than I have my socks. Haha! Well, not that it is a bad thing – we both have our whole lives ahead of us, I am just a bit sad I started a bit late to work on my own future (but this is not about that!).

I might end up flying from Amsterdam to Gothenburg, which means that we can meet already at that point – iiiiih! Makes me blush thinking about it. I am actually looking forward to solve and settle my debts/situations in Sweden. A tiny, teeny bit anxious and overwhelmed still, but who wouldn’t be? I just have to rely a bit on others to help me get started, I am pretty horrible at relying on people, so it will be a learning experience!

Michelle seems happier too, she is crushing on a German girl, which seems very kind and caring. I am happy she is also working on herself, to become the person she wants to be.

I fucked up

I hurt someone dear to me and I do not know if I deserve the second chance he wants to give me… I think I also lost the respect of a friend, might have even lost the friendship.

I win at life. I win at being a shitty person. I win at hurting people. The more self insight I discover about myself, the more I dislike myself.

I did some drastic changes… to combat my shitty personality and try and make amends.

I am a burden

I woke up during the night, every half hour, which gave me a banging headache when I woke up for real. I drank a lot of water, and did some morning exercises. Headed to the computer and started doing my daily stuff: like reading manga, listening to music, talking to Frederik and just enjoying myself. Then I decided to go out and take a walk…

Which ended on not so good terms. As soon as I put on my shoes and looked outside, the anxiety just gripped me like a cold hand just grabbing my heart and squeezing it, which resulted it in pounding harder than anything I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying while panicking and I could barely stand up, I was shaking so much. I am so disappointed in myself. I tried to calm down to peak my head out to see if I could beat the anxiety either way… no. I rushed upstairs, sat down in the couch and had almost a fullblown anxiety attack, I almost started itching myself up, but I was keeping my mind busy somewhat.

I could barely breathe, snotbubbles were everywhere, I couldn’t stop crying, my heart was giving me chestpain which just added to the anxiety fuel. I knew it was illogical and would pass, but my mind told me over and over that I was going to die. So it just kept on getting worse. I just couldn’t. I feel like such a failure. I disappointed myself. I was so angry and I wanted to go out so badly. I ate such a fat and greasy dinner the day before, so I needed and wanted to take a long walk in the beautiful sun. But I just couldn’t.

I really don’t want to live like this. I really don’t. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone around me. Not only myself. I feel like I am going nowhere. Nowhere at all. The “progress” I supposedly am making seems so insignificant…

I got to move~

This is literally my mood for today. I feel invincible, no anxieties, no brainghosts, nothing out of the norm. I will probably take a walk today too, pretty hyped that I am able to. Probably time to try to start travelling around in the Netherlands, to prepare for the trip back to Sweden.

Been having a positive outlook on things, at least trying to. It seems to be working somewhat and that brings more positivity.

Decent day~

Had a decent day, no mindghosts being all up in my space telling me I will never amount to anything etc. Felt pretty nice to have a day off from that. When you are able to catch the breaks you should embrace them, so I did. I ate an apple for breakfast and enjoyed a nice vanilla and caramel cup of tea. Was really nice, recommended.

I also took a walk on my own today, without suppressors again. I walked in a pretty quick space and a lot, I covered a whole lot of ground. I had the anxiety under the surface reminding me it was still there, a few times I was close to breaking I have to admit. But I didn’t and it felt really good to move around. Then I ate a hummus sandwich for dinner, with thin sliced cucumber and tomato on it.


I phoned my dad a while ago, we talked over Skype and I was telling him about the plans about moving back. I will crash in his kitchen in the beginning, while I am looking for help with the debts in Sweden, a job and a place to live. Brought up dividing some stuff with Michelle, most of our furniture are gifted to us from family but the things we bought together probably has to be divided inbetween us. Will have to bring that up another time and have a sit-down for it.

After the call with my father it overwhelmed me that I am venturing away from the life I built here into uncertainty and unsafety. It made me cry for a couple of minutes, I was just letting my eyes sweep over the room and take it all in. That I had to leave it all. It is just overwhelming, a big step.

Look at all this shit I found!

I have gotten in contact with a lot of very hateful shit lately and I just wanted to share them here. Let’s start with Soldiers of Odin, shall we?

I had no idea this organization existed until I read about that they want to “fix” the whole immigrant issues and exterminate the disease known as homosexuality. I am not even making this up, they have literally on multiple occasions spread their message loud and clear. They might deny that they are a neo-Nazi group but their actions speak louder than their words, maybe the intent wasn’t to become one but you can’t expect it to not blow up. Extremists will be everywhere and it is a classic example of extremists taking over.

It started in Finland spread over Scandinavia and has spread down to the Netherlands, where I currently live. At the moment what they are doing is patrolling the streets, stopping extra long outside gay bars, and they can not be stopped because they are just patrolling… and this is what I have been reading from comments on articles: some people are actually positive against having a neighborhood watch. Yes, you want someone that literally pours hate down your throat to protect you. No, that protection is not for me.

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In English: “The Soldiers of Odin has started patrolling around gay bars in central Stockholm, dear siblings: BE SAFE!” – “Yes, we have started. We are going to cleanse the sickness.”

And for the Dutchies:
Burgerwacht ‘Soldiers of Odin’ actief in Nederland: behulpzaam of walgelijk?
I think you can translate it to English on the site or via google translate.

Their facebook page has literally a ton of people screaming about exterminating anything that is not white, cis and normal…


I have also been seeing a lot of “WTF” shit regarding being transgender…

For example, in England and Wales, you can be reported for RAPE if you do not tell your sex partner that you are transgender. What the flying fuck? So i.e being trans* makes you a rapist. What the fuck is that kind of logic? I do not think that if you are trans* that you have to tell anyone unless you really want to! It is your own body and identity, if you are a female you are a female, if you are a male you are a male. No one should be able to tell you different. If a cis/anything man/woman sleeps with a trans* man/woman they slept with the gender they saw. Simple. There is no fucking trickery!

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This is the link for anyone that wants to read through it:
Trans people face jail for rape if they have sex without sharing their gender history

So now you can legally be discriminated against if you are anything besides CIS. I am glad that the Netherlands have nothing like that. This is just so damn medieval and backward.


I will leave these here.

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Should’ve given cold-turkey a second thought…

Two days of immense willpower battles, seriously, I am still questioning how tobacco/nicotine can be legal. Anxiety is setting in with the cravings, woopwoop.

I have bought a “smokestick” now though, to help me battle the worst of the worst cravings. I want to be able to function. It has limited uses and is disposable which is perfect, so I will not get addicted to that either – I am a vapekid now according to Michelle. I will use it to help cull the worst cravings, do not want to get addicted to that now too. I just need some sense of relief. It is menthol though… and with it being something with a taste I really dislike it will help a lot with not doing it too much and not continuing it when I am done with smoking/vaping!

I did notice that moving a lot helped with the cravings but as a person with very low stamina it is tiring! Haha, sadly. But that will be improved, I have decided. This will be a step towards a better future life! For me and for Michelle!

I am trying to quit or wait… I am quitting smoking for two major reasons:

  1. My health. It feels like I cough up my own lungs sometimes and at moments it hurt to breathe.
  2. Michelle is starting HRT hopefully this year. I do not want to accidentally affect her HRT treatment with second hand smoke – even if I would smoke outside. So I am getting through it before she will get HRT instead of us both having moodswings – if she will get those during the HRT, might be a big chance that she doesn’t. Either way I do not want me smoking to be a big issue and halt her treatment… that is something I will not let happen!

Family visit & Amsterdam appointment

Family went home earlier this morning, around eight o’ clock. We went up around 6.30-7.00 to stay up with them a bit and say goodbye. The waterworks came after we waved until they were out of our line of sight, then my eyes decided to “IT IS TIME TO STRIKE!” and I cried a bit, but my father had to turn around after a while to come back for his phone – haha. Unlucky that we did not notice that my brother forgot his security dose for his bank account then, we noticed after we came home from Amsterdam…

Anyway, it was an eventful couple of days, they came last week in the evening of Wednesday and stayed until today, so all together they were here five days and travelled two days. It takes like 12-18hours for them to drive down from and up to Sweden from here, it sucks but at least they are willing to do it. Love them for it! We relaxed quite often, just spent time talking a lot about old and new stuff, went to a couple of outside terrasses to drink some wine/beer and enjoyed a couple of days just walking around in the cities close to us here in Makkum – like Bolsward, more a town than a city, but more a town than a village, so I would classify it as a towncity. Either way, I really missed them all and it was really nice to meet them again and hopefully they can manage to make the trip down next year too (hopefully by then we also have a renthouse for it, it got a bit cramped here) and next time my uncle might be able to come down too, I am holding my thumbs and hoping for it!


We went to Amsterdam today for the third appointment at the gender dysphoria clinic for Michelle, it was quite informative but also a bit… I would call it dumb, but that is just me. Either way, me, Michelle and Mich’s mother went in to the appointment with the shrink. They needed information from us about her childhood and if her mother saw signs of her being trans*. Her mother had issues on her own, with a bipolar disorder, divorce and managing three kids – two being hella unruly. So she did not really notice anything else than that Michelle was a “soft” boy, that is why we were supposed to have Michie’s sister with us, she was like a second mom and noticed a lot more things that could be described as feminime. But if we were supposed to wait for her we would have been late, do not want that! So we just went.

The shrink turned to be to ask a couple of questions and I answered them 100% truthful. She is way more open nowadays – she even agreed to look into starting sporting (badminton) with me – and we go out more often, we even have dates! She is also way happier being able to be who she is inside, a major disruptance is that she does not look like how she should look like in her mind though. But hopefully she will be able to start HRT in Octobre. I really wish for it to happen before this year is over. She has waited long enough to be honest.

I find it rather dumb though that they have to put weight on others opinion on her issues. She is the only one that can know she is trans* etc. I do understand that they have to do it to be able to differ between “real” trans* and people that question their identity/hoping to find somewhere to belong/have it as a fetish etc – you do not want to misdiagnose someone… But to me it seems more risk to damage the individual that has severe body dysphoria than helping it. I do not know how big of a major part of the diagnosis is based on it, I just hope it is not a very decisive factor for people that really suffer from it. I am all for helping others getting a grasp of their identity, but that is one of the reasons I also want them to do the “family”-check even though I am against it. It might be thousands of people misdiagnosed, going through HRT/SRS and realizing “I just wanted somewhere to belong because I feel alone”/”I am not trans*”/”I did not expect this much work to be able to become a CIS female (this is not for everyone, I know it is for Michelle though so I put it in i.e she will not call herself trans when she passes as a cis-woman, that is another blogpost too why she does not want to be in the trans*-folder), I just wanted to feel <insert any wordchoice originating from a female having multiple sexpartners>” or alike thinking.

It is just as bad as misdiagnosing someone as not diagnosing a real case.
Both ways you ruin lives.

I might be very misinformed about how many people get misdiagnosed and the whole “we need to speak to your family”-part. So if anyone got more insight  on it, please do tell. I just find it stupid, a necessary stupid – I myself can not come up with any other way to prevent misdiagnosing others. -worriedface-