Grandma…

One of the big, retardedly big, fucking shatter your world matters that popped on me lately, has been my grandma’s death. She was my biggest support in life, she never put me down and she made me feel like a genuinely good person.

As in I think she was the only one in my family that really knew me, might have been a bit on my side to never open up to others, but when you get put down or ignored many times you just stop because it is not worth the hassle. But grandma was completely different, she could come and pick me up for some forestwalking/mushroom plucking and we would just talk for hours. She alway made time for me and I made time for her.

I got a call from my sister one day, I remember it was right before raidtime on a Sunday. Settled in and was ready to start talking on Discord, saw my phone light up and I saw it was my sister, so I answered. I hear her devastated and very melancholic voice, I instantly know something is wrong and she asks me if I have heard. I ask “heard what?” and she tells me grandma died. I freeze up and blank out. I can not remember much more that was said, more than “ok. ok. mm. bye.”. I turn around to Michelle and say “Grandma is dead.” and then waterworks pop out. Full on bawling, with snot flowing down my chin and the “UAAAAHHH UAAAAAH” sound.

After calming down, I got a call from my father, saying the same thing but with a bit more information. He sounded absolutely broken. We talked a bit, I cried a bit more…

It sucked so hard getting these news, bummed me out for weeks. Still bums me out. I am even more shocked that no one even told me they were going to have a funeral for her etc. Ok, I did try and speak to them but got plainly ignored, and now I have no idea why they did not tell me. I guess it is because “you live in the Netherlands either way, so can’t come that easily” or any other bullshit reason.


Well, that was the first “oh this shit is what is wrong with me”-post. Did not want to type as much as I wanted to from the beginning, but that is because it is still sensitive and added ontop of it, the whole not telling me anything so I have to get to know it over Facebook randomly – if I did not watch at that point, I would NOT have seen it. It triggers me. Fuck.

Slept for 15h, legit got first time high ever yesterday, it helped me sleep. Anxiety levels are off the roof, and I can not take out my meds until Monday. Fuuuuuuuck.

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