Trash

Just fuck it all. Everything. Everyone. Me. You. He. She. It. They. Them. Us. Fuck. It. All. Last time I ever fucking say anyfuckingthing. Last time I will ever be fucking honest. Last time I will ever fucking pretend that I am nothing but happy. Last time I ever fucking think I am something other than dirt.

Obviously, with me being in this state, choosing between two people, two relationships, two futures it means I am utterly fucking worthless, I am not allowed or entitled to any opinion or feeling, I am obviously not worthy of these so called human emotions. Because I have lost feelings, because I have doubts about almost everything, because my anxiety is making me useless, because my depression makes me unable to care for myself, because I am shit I am not a person.

I just want to pretend I am happy, lie about my well-being, go back to the old ways, just live with whatever shit I have going on, whatever shit I feel, whatever shit I think. Just not be in this fucking position where I know whatever I do I am in the fucking wrong. I can not rationalize or think about the pain I am causing, because I am not allowed to feel remorse, pity or anything alike, because I am the one causing it. I am the filth making the shiny clean room shitty and messy.

People telling me my happiness counts too, I am important, staying in a relationship based on uncertainty and lies is unfair to the partner, certainly seem to not know how it is to be the literal pile of shit causing everything. If I just reverted everything back, everything would be fucking fine. Everyone would be happy.

Why did I even have to open up? Why did I even take that leap? Why did I ever expect anything to be different to what results I usually receive? Am I even allowed to think this?

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