Michie’s number one fear…

I can’t really speak for her, but discussing and talking a lot with her has revealed a couple of things. Even if I am as supportive and helpful as I can be during her transition, struggle and journey, there will always be that fear of abandonment. One of her old ex girlfriends did that to her and it is one of her biggest fears and even though she feels somewhat safe with me, it is still there.

Even during all our make up sessions, all our hair styling, all our clothes shopping… she has a fear of me up and leaving in the future, sooner or later. To just be like her old girlfriend and be very encouraging and helpful in the beginning, accepting her for who she is and then suddenly disappear, because it is a dealbreaker and she can not be with another “girl”.

I completely understand that everyone has their own sexuality and preference, but at the same time I don’t. I would hope you would at least love the person for who they are, not for what is between their legs! But that is just me, I know. I know that it is an unreasonable demand.

I do not know how to combat her fear, only with just staying with her, because I know myself I do love her and that will not change. But her unconscious can not know that, even if she keeps telling herself that this might be it… I just hope that with time I will prove that fear wrong.

I know she had terrible nightmares before about me just up and leaving her, I think they are gone now, but she will never… really know for sure that this is it. No one can really, neither can I. I just put my hope and faith into it, just some people put their faith in God and some others put their faith in destiny. I put my faith in myself and I hope to make my own so called destiny worthwhile, for me and for her. Michelle is my family, I do not want her to feel this insecurity and fear. I know that feelings can slowly dissipate sometimes, but in this case it feels like I fall more and more every day, we bond continuously and the bond goes stronger and stronger. I hope I will never be the cause of her despair…

I know a lot of trans* coming out individuals fear this moment the most, because there is always that vague insecurity and fear that even if people say they are alright with it and push forward, that suddenly they will realize that their feelings have cooled off and the relationship is not for them. I had my fair share of abandonment fears, you can never really get rid off them. Even with complete trust, your unconscious is always afraid that you are not enough, you are not acceptable as the person you are. I just hope that in the future, when we are old and gray haired, we can look back at this insecurity and laugh at it.

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