As you’ve noticed, there hasn’t been almost any activity at all for two months. Which I have good reasons for which I might or might not share with you in this post. Well, I have the intentions to share them, but might get too ramble-y.
First and foremost I did not intend to just leave the blog hanging for this long. I just didn’t really feel like typing anything down. I’ve had this huge on-and-off anger/depression going on and I still have it, trying to be cheerful for Seb’s sake, don’t really wanna be the party pooper everyday.
Well, this anger/depression comes in two big forms. Either I feel like utter fucking garbage and I want to lay down on the floor and just pretend that I don’t exist whatsoever or I just want to smash heads in and I get annoyed super easily. Which have been each and every day, switching between them for these two months, lately it has been a bit better because I am trying to NOT think about it or the reasons behind it.
I got reasons, many reasons, behind it, but the major part is probably that I want to look different and I want to work on that, but I can’t do anything because I’m too shitscared of moving out of my house, which fuels my anxiety for social interventions and “the norm” even more for these months it has been going on. I am somewhat “safe” when I go out with Seb, but I don’t really want to force him into a “work-out” routine if he doesn’t feel like it and even if I want to do it and I start going down the stairs to put on my shoes and head out for a walk or something, I just get really panicky, I start crying and I hyperventilate thinking if I go out I’ll die.
When I do go out alone because it happens, emergency store time/Seb is ill/etc reasons like that makes me go alone, and it is “ok” as long as I rush myself everywhere. If I run over the street the cars won’t be able to drive over me, even if they are really far away – thought still appears – and I won’t have to wait and look awkward and not know when to cross. If I meet people on the sidewalk I try to rush over to the other side and if there is people on both I try to speed past the one with less people, less chance of them saying hi. Because when they do say hi I get really nervous and flustered and I want to say hi back because I don’t want to seem rude and when I do it is a “peeeep” sound I do instead which starts the whole thoughtpattern of “oh my fucking god you fucking retard how the fuck could you?” and it gets me close to tears and panic and that is something even worse in my head to happen outside that I get an anxiety attack in public, which fuels the panic and then I start hyperventilating… which staggers on and on until I reach home and I can calm down somewhat. I am still proud of myself for going outside as often as I try to (alone but I bet you guessed that from the context) and I do see them as victories and it fuels my “confidence” but then the days where I am depressed the confidence is lost again so I have to start from zero…