Well, well, well, well, well… what do we have here? A cancelled appointment? Oooh, perfect. I can’t lie and say I am not happy that I don’t have to go this Thursday to the therapy-intake (apparently really professional and “real” therapists specialized in anxiety disorders) but I am also a little bit disappointed that I don’t feel sad that I didn’t feel sad over the cancelled appointment. This is something that is supposed to help me in the future and I am happy to not have to do it? I know I am not the only one, but I don’t think I am making it worse by just being with Sebastiaan (I smell that they want to try to split up the team anyway – I know I should be able to do things alone, but I could easily figure it out in my own way but it feels like I have to do all this). As in let me explain, it feels like I have to grab a hold of my fears, anxiety and problems just because I have to, no other reason. I accepted the offer of help because I wanted to do it for Seb, because how fun can it be having a girlfriend that is barely able to go out by herself without almost suffocating in an anxiety attack? A girlfriend that dreads social interaction in real life to the point of sweating, shivering, getting all panicky and thinking of ways to escape everytime, but on the internet can be the person he lives with quite normally (I know it is anonymous and no one needs to know who I am really, I rather get perceived as the character I am in-game than the miserable person outside). Miserable, really weird wordchoice because I don’t feel miserable, not at all. Quite the opposite in fact. But in the society’s standard I am a misfit, a miserable person that needs help to fix the inappropiate behaviour. We can’t be disfunctional, obviously not. We have to have the same mold, same shape, same everything. The loss of individuality is a small concern of the well-being. I am not saying being miserable or afraid to go outside or being in a depression etc makes you an individual. It just gives you flavour/taste/personality traits that you wouldn’t otherwise have without the trauma. Not saying that you have to let it define you, I am not letting my “disease” define me other than “I need to have a a babysitter to be able to go outside” – but that is not me as a person, as a person I would say that I am quite social to the people I know – and isn’t that all what it is supposed to be about? I don’t need to get 600 friends on FB or in real life, I just want the close ones to continue liking me the way I like them and think of me the way I think of them – fondly, not needy, fondly.
I guess what I wanted out of this is that I feel sad that I don’t feel sad that I am not taking a big step to fix what I don’t feel has to be fixed but at the same time I know it has to be fixed because a normal functional individual is functional and not afraid of going outside alone and I should not be afraid of going outside I don’t even know what I am afraid of outside, maybe the anxiety itself or just people overall – I guess everything scares me when I think about it, there is something illogical behind my reasoning I know, got that pointed out a million times but if you are afraid you are afraid and it is like being a kid again fearing the dark but still knowing there isn’t anything there (I still got that lol).
Rant over. Doesn’t make sense does it? I just wrote. For once. Without thinking more than what I was writing about. Cool in a sense. Big chunk of a fat non-sense paragraph that is hard to read for the eyes, YES I AM THE MASTER OF TYPING. Not. lolbai