Going to an in-take meeting tomorrow, with a psychologist to help me. I got a lot of issues I need to work on but the past therapy-help I received was not successful. I have a lot on my mind which I know that they can’t help me with and I need to break down what I actually do need help with. But I just end up weirded out that it might not even help me at all in some aspects. More or less it is stuff that I need to work on myself. So I am just putting up a list with thoughts and shit to help me organize a little bit better.
Not being able to step out through our door is a big problem for me. I can’t go out alone without almost crying or choking in panic. I am fine if I go out with Seb, but as soon as we are in a large crowd I get a big stone in my stomach and I start sweating out of nervousity. It hasn’t escalated into anything bigger, mostly because I am with someone I trust. I have the same kind of clump of clay/stone in me whenever I meet his family because I don’t know how to interact on a socially accepted level. I know all the polite etiquette and the small-talk business, but I am uncomfortable doing so and I usually have to hold in a lot of stuff in my mind to not act like a crazy person.
I know this is not something they are able to help me with. As in they will probably propose a group therapy project, I will decline firmly. It has not helped me before, it will only result in me not going there or jumping on the bus and taking the next bus home instead. I know that this will not help me reach my goal of not being afraid of the outside/being able to interact with people without their faces going into blurry versions of colour paletes.
I will not be positive towards putting myself into crowded situations or simulations. I don’t want to put myself through that kind of trauma over and over. So in my conclusion I’ve gotten that this is something I will have to work on myself and raise my own confidence up to that kind of level where I am able to be comfortable at least, I don’t wish for the world to change because of my but I wish for my world to change because of me. I know if someone helped me it would be because of them, as soon as they will be gone I will revert back to my former extremely introverted isolated self…
It is not something someone can help me with…
I got that clear for myself.
I’ve always had this problem, where I don’t really know who I am or who I should be. I don’t have any sexual preferences to be honest. I think I went in the direction of the male gender because that is the norm. I am not unhappy with the decision but I know well that if I was together with a girl it would be the exact same feeling as right now.
I would probably say that I love the person/personality, not the gender and it is completely ok. Just that it confuses me to the point of not knowing who I am. Sexuality does not define you as a person of course, but it is a great help to know the most basic stuff of what you like and what you prefer.
I think this is not really “help-able”, it is more something that I would like to be able to talk about with someone that doesn’t necessary have to discuss it with me. Discussion won’t take the matter anywhere I am afraid. It would just be nice to get it off my chest and not have to think about it constantly.
I know – for example – if Seb did go through with his transgender identity and was true to herself I would still be with her and I would love her the exact same amount as I do now. He is my best friend, my lover and the partner I’ve set out to be with for the rest of my life. It doesn’t confuse me as much as “if I went towards the female gender, would I even have found myself interested in him? Would I have been happy? Would I have been a hindrance to myself just like I am today?”… As long as he is happy with whoever he is I am happy with him.
I thought I was a boy in my early teenage years, as in I was born with two separate genders and my parents had to choose and they took the wrong gender (this is not the case, after a lot of questioning). But it had a huge impact on me either way.
I just want to be able to get this off my chest, usually my blog helps a lot but I know a lot of friends that read my blog and it scares me so much everyday that I can’t really put in everything I would want to in fear out of them changing their opinions about me or about Sebastiaan. I just wish I could talk to my father or mother, but it is awkward to do so – at least against my mother, my father literally tells me that there is nothing wrong with me because “hey you can talk fine with me, no social anxiety at all”… great support. I can’t really talk about to my sisters either, I do not have that great contact with them and it feels wrong trying to barge into their lives again, plus I wouldn’t want to tell them all this. I know they gossip between themselves a lot and I do not want to be a subject to their opinions even if I don’t hear it.