Therapy I guess?

Going to an in-take meeting tomorrow, with a psychologist to help me. I got a lot of issues I need to work on but the past therapy-help I received was not successful. I have a lot on my mind which I know that they can’t help me with and I need to break down what I actually do need help with. But I just end up weirded out that it might not even help me at all in some aspects. More or less it is stuff that I need to work on myself. So I am just putting up a list with thoughts and shit to help me organize a little bit better.

Social anxiety

Not being able to step out through our door is a big problem for me. I can’t go out alone without almost crying or choking in panic. I am fine if I go out with Seb, but as soon as we are in a large crowd I get a big stone in my stomach and I start sweating out of nervousity. It hasn’t escalated into anything bigger, mostly because I am with someone I trust. I have the same kind of clump of clay/stone in me whenever I meet his family because I don’t know how to interact on a socially accepted level. I know all the polite etiquette and the small-talk business, but I am uncomfortable doing so and I usually have to hold in a lot of stuff in my mind to not act like a crazy person.

I know this is not something they are able to help me with. As in they will probably propose a group therapy project, I will decline firmly. It has not helped me before, it will only result in me not going there or jumping on the bus and taking the next bus home instead. I know that this will not help me reach my goal of not being afraid of the outside/being able to interact with people without their faces going into blurry versions of colour paletes.

I will not be positive towards putting myself into crowded situations or simulations. I don’t want to put myself through that kind of trauma over and over. So in my conclusion I’ve gotten that this is something I will have to work on myself and raise my own confidence up to that kind of level where I am able to be comfortable at least, I don’t wish for the world to change because of my but I wish for my world to change because of me. I know if someone helped me it would be because of them, as soon as they will be gone I will revert back to my former extremely introverted isolated self…

It is not something someone can help me with…
 I got that clear for myself.

Confusion regarding sexuality/identity

I’ve always had this problem, where I don’t really know who I am or who I should be. I don’t have any sexual preferences to be honest. I think I went in the direction of the male gender because that is the norm. I am not unhappy with the decision but I know well that if I was together with a girl it would be the exact same feeling as right now.

I would probably say that I love the person/personality, not the gender and it is completely ok. Just that it confuses me to the point of not knowing who I am. Sexuality does not define you as a person of course, but it is a great help to know the most basic stuff of what you like and what you prefer.

I think this is not really “help-able”, it is more something that I would like to be able to talk about with someone that doesn’t necessary have to discuss it with me. Discussion won’t take the matter anywhere I am afraid. It would just be nice to get it off my chest and not have to think about it constantly.

I know – for example – if Seb did go through with his transgender identity and was true to herself I would still be with her and I would love her the exact same amount as I do now. He is my best friend, my lover and the partner I’ve set out to be with for the rest of my life. It doesn’t confuse me as much as “if I went towards the female gender, would I even have found myself interested in him? Would I have been happy? Would I have been a hindrance to myself just like I am today?”… As long as he is happy with whoever he is I am happy with him.

I thought I was a boy in my early teenage years, as in I was born with two separate genders and my parents had to choose and they took the wrong gender (this is not the case, after a lot of questioning). But it had a huge impact on me either way.

I just want to be able to get this off my chest, usually my blog helps a lot but I know a lot of friends that read my blog and it scares me so much everyday that I can’t really put in everything I would want to in fear out of them changing their opinions about me or about Sebastiaan. I just wish I could talk to my father or mother, but it is awkward to do so – at least against my mother, my father literally tells me that there is nothing wrong with me because “hey you can talk fine with me, no social anxiety at all”… great support. I can’t really talk about to my sisters either, I do not have that great contact with them and it feels wrong trying to barge into their lives again, plus I wouldn’t want to tell them all this. I know they gossip between themselves a lot and I do not want to be a subject to their opinions even if I don’t hear it.

I am insecure, over all. Confidence training will not help it, it only feeds my insecurity. This is something that ties in with the social anxiety. With all the shit I had to go through to even get to the point of living happily with a person I love and cherish dearly it just sucks that it is not accepted to have any insecurities because “you’re so great, you’re so unique and you should cherish yourself”. I do cherish myself, but in a way that is not the norm and that is “damaging” the norm of acceptance for people apparently. I just wish that people would stop putting their expectations so high when it comes to me and be happy that I am able to reach even one of their smallest. 
It sounds selfish, yes. But humans are selfish, it is in our nature. With this big computer-age there is no normal, there is no norm and still the society and people overall is trying to keep an outdated form of normal and Jesus, it fucking works. It damages so many people, children – teenagers – young adults – adults even more than necessary and no one can fucking see it.
I am not talking about “I am not pretty enough etc”. This is on a whole different level and I know a lot of people have the same issue. But I just needed to rant about it and shut myself in my little bubble of “I-know-it-all-don’t-fucking-preach-to-me-bitch”. Because yes, you can tell me to go out, you can tell me to make friends, you can tell me to fucking do everything everyone else does. IT WILL NOT HELP! Big fucking FUCK on this one. So:


Conclusion/Thoughts/Shit overall
I think I will try for medication, to help me in a short period of time to overcome the worst anxieties so I can work by myself instead of receiving help. I don’t want to talk, you only repeat same stuff over and over – it does not work for me. I don’t want to discuss, these matters are not discussable, it is all in my head and if I let someone else work them out for me or “fix them” as soon as that person is gone the issues are there. I just want a push in order to help myself. So a period of medication (not life long) would be better than nothing or any “help” they want to offer me. 
I’ll probably try to stick with this option, if not and they can’t help me with that and they want to push something else on me. I am just gonna escape. Fuck it.

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