Weird sad (|||❛︵❛.)

This will be a two days-blog post. So let’s start with the old/funny stuff:

I got new phone background and icons, need to show it off haha. I do like just showing random things that I do, it is my blog so I can showcase whatever I want to be honest. Anyway, this time it is a kitten-theme! With “Meow”-icons from the Line Deco app, wallpaper and battery/clock comes from mentioned app. Speaking about kitties; my phoneskin-kittiecat is a favourite chewtoy for Keiko. It might be that it smells funny for her or something. It is a weird but really cute thing she does.
We got some beautiful tulips from Gina, Seb’s mother, and for once Keiko is not eating them all up. I love flowers, but sometimes it is just a hazzle cleaning up after Keiko has been chewing/eating them all day. But these ones are a lovely bonus to our living-/diningroom. I also took some clear shots of the plastic flowers we have in the front window. On some of them my kittiecat phone-skin is visible, mostly because I have to take it off to use the camera; I ordered it for Samsung Ace 3 – but something went wrong in the shipping of it and I got an iPhone skin… anyway, doesn’t make me hate it. It fits the phone perfectly at least.
I am finally in touch with my mother again, my own mom. I’ve been thinking about her, us, everything for a couple of days now and finally gathered enough courage to contact my sister about her phone number. I was so nervous when I texted my mom that I got tummy-pains. I don’t know how to talk with her in a personal way just yet, but I think we can get there. It is just that she does not know the grown-up me at all and I do not know her. I have changed so much since I was a child; I am not the outspoken person I once was, I am insanely shy and in some aspects extremely introverted. I have a load of social anxiety harboring inside of me – I can’t really talk about with my family because I don’t think they would see it  that way and I don’t really want them to think that I am bragging/lying/trying to outdo them in any way… I always think the worst of the situations and then I imagine it even worse and then I sit there with panic and insane stomachache. I haven’t gotten to the point of hyperventilation at least, thanks to Sebastiaan.

I also got pink nails. Feeling so fancy. Need to redo them soon though, already chipping away in the polish. Bah…

Onwards to the present day:
I am having a really weird, sad day today. Everything just caught up to me and I feel like shit on the inside. I know it is so much good stuff out of the past too but it just doesn’t help today. Maybe I should try to explain what is causing it a little bit more in-depth? Well, it is a lot of reasons but I’ve come to the conclusion with the two major ones, at least those I can think of.
  • Seb lived in Sweden for eight months, can almost understand 100% of Swedish still. I have lived here almost two years, barely understands everyday conversation.
      • I know Dutch is a hard language but it is hard to focus on that when you know that people expect you to take it by storm. It is fun, but it is also dreadful. I always say that it is easy to read, but it isn’t. I can understand a paragraph but the next one might make me dumbfounded. I am in a family conversation with Gina’s husband’s family and Seb’s family side in it and sometimes I understand and sometimes I can’t even find a single word I know or recognize.
      • It is confusing and hard to explain, it just makes me so incredibly sad that I can barely speak it, let alone read it at times, when it is expected of me.
  • In Sweden I fucked up (we fucked up I guess) and I have a lot of debts from there because of it. I know we can easily fix it in the future, but it is just the point of fucking up in the first place that makes me feel almost useless.
      • We did fuck up again when we moved to The Netherlands, because we lived on ONE person’s money for two people (around 600 euros…). He had to pay my health insurance, food for both of us, necessities, bills + everything else too which we couldn’t find a way to go around with. So we gathered debts again – more or less involuntarily because we tried really hard unlike in Sweden (when it happen we just moved).
I think that is the gist of it, but it is so much more small reasons than those two big ones, but I don’t want to write them down, I already consulted with Seb about it and he tried to comfort me and cheer me up. So I guess that is the end of this post, see you next time!

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